just finished part one of my latest big project. not much to report; this has kept me very busy for the past week and change
Lately I’ve been feeling rather lonely. It’s probably at least in part because I’ve had far too much time on my hands and not enough to do with that time, partly because I’ve been sick for the last few days and isolating and had to cancel some plans, and partly because I’ve been reading up a bit more about the aro experience. Oh and maybe a dash of watching my nesting partners relationship with her two wives slowly degrade in real time.
I know I’m loved. There’s no shortage of people who find me interesting and compassionate and a lovely person, but very few of these people want more than a basic friendship and that feels rather isolating. It also doesn’t help that I am often reminded of how little I truly understand other humans and how they approach relationships, attraction, etc. I want a deeper connection with someone, someone to build something together with, someone who I know will be there for me in the ways I’m there for others but as time goes on it just seems like more and more like a fantasy. I feel like I’m often just treated like a helpful tool that’s well liked but never anyone’s first choice.
On the other hand I know in ways I’m catastrophizing and things really aren’t all that bad, I’m living a healthy life in a beautiful city surrounded by people I love and I have healthy relationships. I just wish I could be content with what I have because the search for something more is so exhausting at times.
You’re yearning for more?
Yes. I’m poly and have partners, including one that I live with, but she lives in the other room with her two partners. So it’s a nesting partner and we are building things together (the space we both co-habitate) but it feels kinda surface level because while we do talk a lot about what happens in her life, there’s also a lot that I don’t hear about until it’s already gone through her two partners. There’s a distance between us which I’m fine with, but it’s not what people often think when you say you have a nesting partner. Also, she really only has sex with those two girls and not with me. We do some kink stuff from time to time, but it’s mostly a dead bedroom situation and our relationship is maybe more of a QPR nowadays than it used to be.
I don’t want to be monogamous because I don’t believe it’s a particularly useful framework and I don’t want to be hierarchical because I think that’s inflexible to the realities of life and I don’t like power imbalances, but I do want something more akin to an anchor partner. I want someone that I can see regularly, someone which I can build something together with. Someone who isn’t just there if I come calling, but actively reaches out to me as well. It would be nice if they have a high sex drive like I do, but ultimately I’m poly and could theoretically find that somewhere else. A lot of my poly relationships today are people I see on average one or two times a month, outside of the girl I live with, and while I know all of them are committed, they spend the majority of their time with their other partners and when I feel like some of my needs are not getting met, it’s hard not to be left feeling want.
You don’t want to use the monogamous framework of relationship: OK. But, you cannot expect someone to sustain a relationship with you, and satisfy your desires/need if you’re not the only person they’re dating.
The « monogamous » framework is only what you make of it. You want no power imbalances, you want it to be flexible, work on it with your partner. If you don’t feel satisfied in a polygamous couple, then try monogamy without expecting the best, but also the worse.
Just love 😉!
you cannot expect someone to sustain a relationship with you, and satisfy your desires/need if you’re not the only person they’re dating
You’re welcome to feel however you wish about relationships, but please don’t assume how it works for you is how it works for everyone else. Being able to satisfy desires and needs has nothing to do with how many people you are dating, it has to do with matching needs/desires and willingness to fulfill them. Even in relationships which are monogamous, there are many folks who do not get all their needs and desires satisfied by their singular partner and are left wanting or find ways to get those needs filled elsewhere.
I also do not expect to get all of my needs met by one person. No one can do this. In many cases where people believe that they are doing this, they are often in codependent relationships. Humans are meant to be social, with many people, and to get their needs met by many. For example, you may have a friend or partner who is deeply supportive, but does not challenge you and a friend or partner who challenges you but may at times feel a bit less supportive because they challenge you - I would argue both of these are needs at different times for different situations, but it is extremely unlikely that you will find someone who is flexible enough to do both at the right times. In the same way, there are many needs that humans have that we get through our social support networks, and relying on a single person is, in my mind at least, either folly or cognitive dissonance.
try monogamy
I did a single 10 year long monogamous relationship, I was poly before it and poly after. There were many great things about that relationship and I still love her a lot, but monogamy just isn’t right for me.
You’re welcome to feel however you wish about relationships, but please don’t assume how it works for you is how it works for everyone else.
Hey sorry but like chill, I just tried to suggest something, it’s not like I’m trying to force something unto you. I apologise if I was mean, just wanted to send some love ❤️
So: You don’t believe that you can be happy in a monogamous relationship but can’t seem to find satisfaction either in a polygamous relationship…. Must be hard, are you like… still missing her?
It’s cliché but… maybe try to sort out your feelings and have a talk with your partners.
EDIT: if you need recommendations of things to do to escape your mind for some time, can help you find games/books/hobbies.
I appreciate the sentiment and sending love. Sorry if I came off a bit bristly.
A few bits of clarification:
- Polyamory is not polygamy, please use the right language.
- I don’t think it’s fair to say I can’t find satisfaction in poly relationships. There are many axes in which I am very satisfied with my relationships. It’s just that all of my needs aren’t being met, which is extremely common in monogamous relationships as well. I was mostly venting about that in my original comment.
- I have regular conversations with all of my partners, they’re well aware of how I feel and all very supportive.
- I appreciate that you’re attempting to help. I get the feeling, however, that you’re not super well versed in what being poly entails or the misconceptions that mono folks often have (not to mention outright bigotry in some cases) about being poly.
I’m never opposed to recommendations. What books have captured your interest as of late?
I just got glasses! And Mexican foods! Yaaaywheeeee! wigglespins happily and see-ily!!
Apparently everycritter must know! does a goofy lil dance, shares noms :3Had a job interview today, so a mix of excitement and anxiety. Even on a good day, I can’t go without a heavy dose of anxiety 😄
The final chapter of the university group project: I went on strike last week, which forced the two lazy people to realise they had better do some work. As a result, the project was completed in time, and the teacher was actually very impressed with it. Apparently it’s the best production he’s seen in the last five years, and so it’s going to be entered into a few competitions. The other team’s project, which was nice but unambitious, was not deemed competition-worthy. My extensive logs of the process, particularly of one team member’s laziness, arrogance, and wilful obstruction of the project, have been submitted, as has my evaluation of each team member (a project requirement). Two positive, one neutral, one civil but strongly negative. I happen to know one of the other hard workers on the team was much harsher than I on the guy who obstructed the project.
And my cat didn’t make it. That was actually more than a week ago, but it’s been painful. I miss her. She was still young and should have had many more years of life, and people saying things like “I’m sorry” and “you did your best” just make me angry.
I’ve lost two animals early: my dog, Sparrow, about 10 years ago, who succumbed to chronic kidney disease that we didn’t even know he had until his kidneys went into failure, and my cat, Gus, last year who got a hold of something toxic (he had a habit of eating silicone and foam products, and despite our best effort to ban those products from the house or hide them if they were necessary, he still found something) and also went into kidney failure.
The worst part about both of them was knowing that there would come a time when their absence felt more normal than their presence. When you invite a companion into your life, make them your family, their loss can feel like a death of self, especially when it’s early and unexpected. I found myself resenting the idea of becoming a person who isn’t enduringly devastated by that loss, as painful as it is.
For better or worse I have reached that stage for both of them. But I also still think of them both often. I can still feel the twisty fur behind Sparrow’s ears (he was a border collie mix) in my fingers. I can still feel the pressure in my chin where Gus would would dig in for a face rub. I am still capable of devastation over their loss, but I find the devastation comforting, and welcome it warmly.
Thanks for this.
I had lost another cat a few months ago, but he was elderly and had been struggling with a chronic illness for almost 2 years, so it wasn’t a surprise when he reached the point that it was time to say goodbye. And although I loved him, I didn’t have quite such a strong bond with him. So I was sad when he died, but it wasn’t as devastating as this.
I’ve never had such a strong connection with a pet until my little girl. I suppose it’s kind of… fitting that the very first time we met, she fell asleep upside down in my lap, and that was how she left life as well.
We managed to declutter two big rooms; now we can finally walk!
There was a box with memories dating back to '87! People were crafty. That gave me the idea to make pop-up cards as gifts for xmas, though I’ve never made one.
so busy, i just want to be left alone. when can i breathe?
Can totally relate.
Thanks 😊 glad to know there are other humans having the experience ®
My brakes started making a horrible BBBRRAAAHH sound so I had to be brave and call my mechanic today. Luckily I can bring it in to get fixed tomorrow but it’s so stressful dealing with car stuff. I’m babysitting my nephews and Wednesday and my parents are coming into town on Thursday evening so that’s fun/stressful. My quiet routines are quite disrupted this week.
i had coffee with a (newish) friend of mine last week. we’ve only met a handful of times because scheduling in your 30s is impossible, i guess?
had my first (dog) agility lesson since october. unfortunately my older dog hurt his paw, so only the younger one could go. the good news is that the younger one did really well! i think, now that she’s a bit past three years old, her puppy brain is finally turning into an adult dog brain.
we saw the boy and the heron on saturday, and it is so, so good. i’m already itching to rewatch it when it becomes available digitally since i feel like i missed a lot of little details.
i spent saturday night house sitting for two big cuddly dogs (pictured below).
Pretty good, I hope everyone else is doing good as well!
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My week has had it’s ups and downs. The down is that I’m still sick and can barely sleep due to coughing every fifteen minutes. The major up though is that the company I interviewed for two weeks ago called and told me they’d like me to come on board with them, which I’m excited for.
Still depressed honestly. Don’t know what to do after high school — the world seems so placid and unreal. I feel out of myself… and also I’ve been fighting the urge to get high again so yeah, kinda hard!
there’s nothing wrong with getting high every now and again – as long as it’s with one of the good drugs and not the ones that can ruin your life
Weed makes me feel good in bad time and makes my time even funnier with friends… but I worry about my health: my lungs & my brain.
That’s fair – it’s not great for your lungs if it’s smoked/vaped.
I was thinking of the other entheogens, but I admit those are harder to get a hold of because of our backwards and frankly, racist drug laws.
its fine!! thanks for asking!! happy holidays :D
Great, that date I had the Friday before last looks like it’s gonna turn into at least a short term relationship, very possibly a long term one. Kinda terrified but excited at the same time since it’s my first ever, but it looks like I’m in good hands with this girl when it comes to her guiding me intitially.
Every day gets brighter. I’ve got an exam coming up that will probably decide whether I stay in school to finish my Bachelor’s or drop out to double-down on my newfound career in IT. I’m honestly pretty tired of studying for a degree that seems meaningless given my current career trajectory, but sunk cost fallacy has me too invested to just quit.
Plus I really don’t want to have that conversation with my academic advisor.
