Guy looks completely normal.
Honestly, most “ugly” people can be reasonably attractive if they get in shape, eat healthily (especially in a way that clears up their skin) and style themselves (clothes, hair, etc) in a way that suits them. Plus finding good angles and lighting for photos/videos, and building up some confidence and charisma for in-person interactions. Those things aren’t necessarily easy and they take patience and commitment, but most people can easily go up a few points on an attractiveness/10 scale if they manage them.
That sounds like a lot of work. I’m tryna win the Powerball instead…
healthily
Thank you for using this word. Many seem to have forgotten its existence, in more ways than one.
Doesn’t always work. Also this is likely me problem, but how do you get over people being judgemental in gym (about appearance/phyiscal capabilities)? It often scares me off from going to a gym.
Doesn’t always work.
It doesn’t guarantee people are going to look at you and think you’re a 10/10 because some features are out your control, but the difference between being overweight, poorly-dressed with bad skin, bad hair, etc, and being athletic/toned and well-groomed is huge. And while they might seem like superficial things that you feel you shouldn’t have to do for someone to like you, they also boost your confidence which tends to make you more attractive as a personality, too.
Also this is likely me problem, but how do you get over people being judgemental in gym (about appearance/phyiscal capabilities)? It often scares me off from going to a gym.
This can definitely take a little while to change your mindset on, but the big thing is just realising that no-one actually cares.
- people are there to work out, not to judge others;
- how much do you judge other people in the gym? Very little, I’d assume;
- even if someone is judging you: so what? Does it actually matter what a stranger who you’ll likely never even see again thinks? You’re there to improve yourself, not to worry about their thoughts;
- if someone actually comments to you, you can turn it into a positive thing. Tall them you’re new to the gym and would welcome pointers. Most people who’ll talk to you in the gym are just going to be asking “how long are you going to be using that?” or something similar, though;
- there’s a pretty low chance someone will actually be rude to you, because most people are well aware that everyone starts somewhere, and that if you’re overweight/unfit then being in the gym is you already taking steps to fix that.
And most of those points apply to a lot of things in life - it’s very liberating when you realise that most people don’t really care about what you’re doing and that you should just do what makes you happy.
If it helps, you can also do some research before using the gym so you’re confident about how to use the machines and equipment. It removes that “what if I’m using it wrong and everything thinks I look like an idiot?” aspect for you to worry about.
And if you’re just worried about people judging your weight/fitness, you can exercise outside of the gym. Push-ups, sit-ups, squats, step-ups, etc, are all free and things you can do at home. You can probably find somewhere quiet to go for a run - especially early morning or late evening. Dumbbells are fairly cheap (relative to a gym membership for any extended period of time) and don’t take up much storage space at home; they be used for their own exercises and to enhance other exercises (just adding more weight to your squats, for instance). Resistance bands are another low-cost, low-space option.
So you can either start off exercising at home until you’re comfortable enough to step into a gym, or just keep working out at home and gradually expand your equipment as you see fit. Obviously some of the larger, more expensive machines you find in gyms have their uses - some of them ensure you’re doing the exercise in a healthy way, some of them allow you to work out multiple muscle groups at once that would otherwise be difficult (like the rowing machine), and some of them let you target specific muscles in specific ways - but the things I mentioned above can take you a long way.
The two most important things are just being consistent (so try to get into a routine) and making sure you’re doing it for yourself. Obviously we’re talking about it from a perspective of people finding you more attractive if you’re in good shape, but more important than that is doing it because you want to be happy and healthy - if you can become happy and healthy in yourself then other people finding you attractive will follow eventually.
Anyway, this turned into a bit of an essay but hopefully something I’ve said here has been helpful for you!
Thanks for long and helpful comment! However, I want to point out some things.
- I am not overweight, and I care a lot about my hair and skin - I just lack muscles. I bet I am caring enough about my appearance in this sense. I guess my fashion sense might be off, though I try a lot.
That said, I do seem to lack self-confidence.
- Theoretically (I guess in normal society), people do not judge others in gym. Yeah, there will be no reason to care whatsoever abt others, right? Really.
…except that this is not what happens in my country. People are constantly looking at each other, even strangers, and care and judge about how one appears. This kind of “affection” (apparently) is ingrained in our culture.
Also, the general line of thought goes: “Oh, overweight person. They are unfit for exercise, why are they here? Sharing the space with them makes me uncomfortable, this is our place!” Imo kind of disgusting, but what can I do?
That said, it is mostly just (loud) murmuring or talking to each other about the judgement, so I might be able to ignore that. It’s just difficult for me.
Anyway, sorry for ranting. I will try to do exercise at home and jog a bit!
If you are thin, but out of shape, lifting will give you very fast results, in terms of shape (looks not fitness though of course it will help with fitness). Because when it’s not obscured by fat, the muscle shows very quickly. But also you are probably judging yourself more harshly than others are.
And really - if you are thin, lift weights. I am kinda slender middle aged lady and even without the benefit of testosterone guys have, lifting weights quickly gives me shape through the arms and shoulders that really improves my look. I do it now more to keep my bone mass but it’s certainly the quickest path to looking shapely.
Ohh thanks a lot, lifting sounds promising!
I am not overweight
I didn’t mean to imply you are overweight, sorry if it came across like that! It’s more just that, besides general anxiety (which isn’t specific to the gym), the main reasons someone might be “gym shy” are because they’re overweight, unfit or unsure of how to use the equipment, so I wanted to touch on all of those things!
That said, I do seem to lack self-confidence.
I figured, seeing as you’re anxious about the gym and how people there might judge you, ha! Building confidence can take a long time, and definitely isn’t something that happens overnight. Obviously doing things you can be proud of - working towards a body you’re happy with, work achievements, artistic achievements, etc - can help a lot with building up confidence, but the big thing is working to adjust your perspective of yourself. Try to look at yourself how you look at other people; if you saw someone unfit working out in the gym, would you care? Or would you just have whatever your initial thought is and then move on?
…except that this is not what happens in my country.
It can definitely be a little more difficult if it’s ingrained into your culture for people to make a big deal out of things. Probably the best thing you can do - whether there are people around or not - is to listen to music/audiobooks/podcasts. It’s good for exercising anyway because it gives your mind something to focus on while your body does mindless exercises, but it also just lets you shut out other people entirely so it doesn’t matter whether they’re gossiping about you, talking about last night’s episode of whatever TV show, or something else.
Ultimately, though, trying to avoid basing your self-worth on other people’s opinions is something you should probably try to work towards. Not just because negative opinions can obviously bring you down and harm your self-esteem, but also because if you only feel good when surrounded by people and receiving positive reinforcement from them then it indicates you’re probably not happy with yourself
Anyway, sorry for ranting. I will try to do exercise at home and jog a bit!
That’s okay, having a good rant is healthy every now and then! Good luck with the exercise, and try to stick with it, even if you only do a small amount every day!
Thanks again!
For sure don’t bring it into the gym, but try getting a gun.
Huh, why?
SHOOT YOUR INNER DEMONS THAT HINDER YOUR CONFIDENCE.
Hehe.
Wish this matter worked like this…
Gun seems to be a confidence booster for some real trogs.
Not saying you are, but couldn’t hurt to try and see if it helps.
This. Hes not fucking ugly, thats the takeaway here lol
Yeah, he looks like an average nerdy type guy. Not the best but also not the worst thing in the world. There’s plenty of people who are into that type.
Most people do, they are just comparing themselves with models, celebs or influencers, people that earn a living out of being pretty.
Oh, do they? Interesting.
For some reason I read that as woman who talked about being ugly? And then I looked and I was like… Yeah I get it that looks like a dude.
He is extremely normal and average looking.
I think if he had gotten braces for his overbite and a nicer pair of glasses before that pic on the left, there wouldnt be anything to really point out at all yeah.
If I were him I would want to lose the mullet too, but he still looks better with it than I do with my bald spot.
Samee (tho I’m not bald)
There’s a Reddit community I used to visit now and then that was for ugly people. It was so toxic and hateful. These people literally believe that they can never be happy or have a relationship because they think they’re ugly - it’s their entire identity. I worry that many outcasts fall into this trap during their formative years and it warps their view of the world like the gentleman in the video.
I think that once they get out into the real world, most folks find that looks don’t matter as much as lifestyle, personality, and compatible morals.
I didn’t think I was ugly because I thought I was ugly. I thought I was ugly because no one wanted anything to do with me for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.
I also noticed how “pretty” people didn’t have anywhere near as hard of a time socializing as I did. They were allowed to have bad personalities. Even if I was as kind and helpful as I could possibly be I’d never be treated the same way as a “pretty” person would.
It’s one of the ugly truths of human existence, that most people won’t admit.
“Looks” absolutely play a large role in inter-human relationships. But since it carries a lot of unpleasant things most people don’t want to admit, they either ignore it, or outright lie about it to make themselves feel better.
The research has been done “pretty” people earn more, get more promotions, and are generally more successful at life.
Not to say your life is over if you’re not pretty. But there is a clear advantage.
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I think it’s more that western societies like to try to act like their instincts aren’t real. They’ll look you dead in the face and say “beauty means nothing to me!” Meanwhile their secretary is massively under qualified for the job but she got big tiddies.
Or when a super hot woman is a total cunt but everyone let’s her get away with it because “ooh hot girl”
It’s the same way with men I just used women as an example because I’m a dude who’s seen a lot of girls with shit personalities get treated like they can do no wrong.
The thing to focus on is that there are many different kinds of people in the world. I grew up with a disability, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that there are people you’ll meet who just hate you for not being what they consider to be “normal.” There’s nothing you can do - they’re just going to hate you. But, I eventually found that there are also people who would never dream of doing such a thing, and will treat you neutrally until they get to know you, and will treat you well after that if you treat them well.
Yes, the assholes of the world will always be there, and they’ll make you feel like shit, but the more you can dismiss them as simply being judgemental assholes who know nothing about you, the more you’ll be able to see all the people who will treat you fairly. Sure, if you’ve got a terrible personality, then even those people will want to have nothing to do with you, but if you control the things you can control, there are a lot of people in the world who will see that and think well of you for it.
I had similar experiences in my youth and it definitely warped my perception of self-worth. It took a long time to overcome.
How did you overcome?
So relatable! …sad.
I didn’t think I was ugly because I thought I was ugly. I thought I was ugly because no one wanted anything to do with me for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.
I don’t want to offend you or anyone in any way, I just wonder if it could have been a case of neurodiversity (you being neurodivergent in a way socializing didn’t come as natural as for others).
In my case, I understood my own differences a little late. I was rejected a couple of times because I was apparently showing-off. I connected the dots years later: I was being too effusive and intense, which was read as arrogance or cockiness.
A friend of mine struggled with his autism. People during his school years thought he was grumpy (or worse), when in reality he was having a hard time coping with external stimuli and information.
People can see something is different, but many (even as adults) are not kind about the explanation. Instead of thinking that you are a shy person (or whatever trait they are judging), they might think you think you’re better than them or whatever.
It’s funny how many people default for an option in which the “weird” person is a bad person somehow, but there’s probably some evolutionary adaptations to partially blame…
I also noticed how “pretty” people didn’t have anywhere near as hard of a time socializing as I did. They were allowed to have bad personalities. Even if I was as kind and helpful as I could possibly be I’d never be treated the same way as a “pretty” person would.
Same as my last paragraph. It’s human nature to make judgments based on taste, on personal preferences, etc. “Pretty privilege” is real, and we should outgrow it, but… yeah. It even affects people deemed attractive as they cannot trust the same, they cannot escape things like comparisons, etc. Let’s not talk about the bullying for the other side. It’s vicious.
I hope you’re okay after that experience.
Instead of thinking that you are a shy person (or whatever trait they are judging), they might think you think you’re better than them or whatever.
I remember in high school overhearing a classmate say something about a classmate who happened to not be present that day. It was something along the lines of
“he doesn’t really talk much though, he seems stuck up”
Hearing that honestly rocked me, I’d never even considered that line of reasoning before. He wasn’t talking about me, but I was pretty shy too (well, socially anxious) - I’m almost certain he thought the same about me, or even said it aloud when I wasn’t around. I immediately thought “Does everyone else see me the same way? Do I appear stuck up and unapproachable?” Anyway, I haven’t seen that dude in years, don’t even remember his name, but I never forgot that line.
When I was young, I wanted to think of women in a way that I could look beyond typical attractiveness. I made a point to find something about everyone. It soon became apparent that everyone is beautiful in a way. Sometimes it’s not a facial feature but there’s always something. And I started to find a lot of women sexy even if I wasn’t really sexually attracted to them. As life has gone on, it’s been interesting to me how someone that might not be very pretty becomes hot as all be because of their talent or skills.
I always thought I was ugly but women always found me attractive. It was a hard thing to accept.
Interesting, is it possible to find oneself ugly while being loved? Maybe I am narcissistic in that I don’t find myself that ugly, but many women do.
Incels.
Yeah. Eliot Rodgers was a prime example.
Honestly I looked weird mid puberty and it took me a long time to learn I’m fairly attractive. I’m not like supermodel hot or anything but it’s fair to say I’m pretty in buffalo. You can always find flaws in the mirror, the people on tv do every day. I choose not to. My wife doesn’t mind them, my girlfriend doesn’t mind them either, and neither do the women I do casual stuff with. I get a lot more benefit from doing other things with my mental energy.
Meanwhile:
How dare you include the great Michael Sheen in this
He’s a great guy. Fantastic actor. Love him. He’s a weird-looking dude.
Moral of the story: If you are ugly and there’s a youtube comments chance to get laid, you take it(even if they have a furry profile photo.)
Especially if they have a furry profile picture.
There are 2 types of people…
even if they have a furry profile photo
I rather stay single.
I mean the guy isn’t ugly, he just has the dumbest haircut I’ve ever seen
Yeah he just wasn’t trying. A little facial hair, better haircut, a good shower, nothing wrong there
Don’t forget clothes. That t shirt is a sack.
I used to work with two guys I called “Tall Todd” and “Tall Paul”. Both were really smart and part of our IT department. Both in shape-ish, skinny, very tall.
Paul was conventionally hot - his side job was modeling, he made money at it and I did once unexpectedly see him on a national advertisement. Hot, you understand? He was nice, friendly, I wasn’t attracted to him but could see he was physically really good looking, and was outgoing and pleasant, creative guy, good Halloween costumes.
Tall Todd wasn’t good looking like that, and had the additional baggage of being named Todd, but had this way of existing in the world that was just so comfortable and made you feel comfortable. I think when people say confidence this is what they mean - not cockiness but this self acceptance. He was just so attractive without being physically attractive - he wasn’t ugly exactly but unremarkable in looks. But goodness he was attractive in real life. Magnetic.
I do not know how people get that sort of confidence but it’s not by being really good looking.
Being tall is like 75% of being physically attractive according to most surveys.
If you’re over 6’ the “how tall are you” is either the first or second question on every date along with “what do you do for work”
It’s kinda sad how predictable we can be as animals
It’s interesting how bad I’m getting downvoted…
It is acceptable to say rich people, white people, men have a natural advantage.
But saying pretty people also have an advantage is horrible…
Lol
Being rich is not natural. And it’s a red flag because you don’t get rich without being an asshole.
I had a friend in college like Todd. Weird looking dude, but every time you talked to him you just felt good. He was fun to talk to and interesting but a good listener too. You were just happy to have spent time talking to him. Now I’m not into guys so I can’t say subjectively if that made him attractive, but based on what I’d heard he had all the men and women he wanted throwing themselves at him, and I believe it.
And for the people saying your friend was leaning on height, this guy was about the height of the average woman and hung out with a lady over 6’
They were tall, and I’m not disputing the whole “attractive people are more attractive” idea. I don’t think that comfortable - confidence vibe comes from looks, you can be good looking and very insecure about your looks, uncomfortable because everyone is looking at you, and I’m sure Tall Paul was comfortable enough with his looks to make money off them but didn’t have it.
People absolutely get that kind of confidence by being really good looking…
What you found was an outlier, a unicorn. It happens but that in no way changes reality.
You can also get that kind of confidence by not worrying about where you fall on the attractiveness scale. I like to think I’m that way. If I wanted to I could definitely pick out things that might make me ugly, but I don’t worry about it. I care more about the interactions I have with people than I do about how I physically look. The only things about my appearance that give me a degree of confidence are just things that amuse me, like that I always wear the same color scheme or that my normal and facial hair differ in color and texture.
I can think of at least two of my friends who also share the quality of being comfortable and self accepting despite not being physically attractive, and I really enjoy being friends with them.
I guess my appearance is just otherworldly towards ugliness…
Where’d you get that from?
Because I have hard time ignoring my appearance issues because people bring it up so often. I cannot comprehend being able to ignore those…
Who’s bringing up your appearance issues? Friends? Family? Bullies? Strangers in the street?
Ofc not families, but social peers and strangers bring these up. I don’t have friends… Maybe so many people are just bullies?
TWO WHOLE FRIENDS! Stop the presses!
The research has been done on this. The undeniable fact is “pretty” people have a clear advantage in life.
I know that may make you feel uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. The same as being poor is a disadvantage so is being ugly.
Just like someone who grows up poor can overcome it, so can ugly people. But that doesn’t mean the disadvantage isn’t there…
You called one person being that way an outlier, so I added three more from my own experience (two friends and myself.)
And yeah, maybe that is still an outlier. I’m willing to accept that, because I have something that might explain why it’s more common with the people I know. The three of us are part of a Christian fellowship, and Phillipians 3:3 says we have confidence in Christ and not the flesh - interestingly enough, I literally just got back from a Bible study with that group where we hit that verse.
You also might know three people that are more confident in themselves because confident people tend to be outgoing and know lots of other people, compared to people who aren’t very confident.
Well then most people would know such a person.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox
Yup, they would, but that wouldn’t really dismiss the other guy’s point.
This wasn’t the point as i read, the question was about confidence. And this has little to do with how “pretty” you are. Your confidence is only in your mind. Sure if others think of you as ugly, it’s harder to gain confidence. But I think especially a lot of girls have confidence issues with their appearance despite looking “good”.
I have this strange suspicion that you find yourself to be ugly.
You get that kind of confidence by not giving a shit about what other people think in terms of your physical attractiveness. I don’t think I’m especially good looking. I also couldn’t give less of a shit. Which is why I have the confidence to have the facial hair of a 19th century president. Because a mutton chops beard is fucking awesome. I’m married, but I wouldn’t even care if I was single. I’m keeping my mutton chops.
I wish this kind of attitude is acceptable in my country. Over here, even something like this is enough to make you weirdo and quickly alienate you.
I am a weirdo and maybe it does make people stay away from me. I just don’t care.
Does that mean you have zero friends, struggle to get a job, and generally socially isolated? If not, I don’t think we have the same problem.
Absolutely, I said it gives a natural advantage, it is more like getting a good starting hand in cards. It doesn’t mean you automatically win. Or loose if you get a 4,5…
Too many in this thread are for a variety of reasons taking my statement to mean “OMG if you’re not pretty you’re doomed”
- Finds unicorn in reality.
- “No, no—but this doesn’t change reality.”
You do understand what an outlier is? Did you not take basic math in high school?
I mean damn, I know this is the Internet, but I thought Lemmy users could understand basic statistics…
You also feel that because one person won the lottery every can/should?
Being ugly is a disadvantage, like other disadvantages (poor, stupid,etc) it can be overcome. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is one.
Did you not take basic math in high school?
Have you? Where is your data that indicates this is an outlier?
lemme google that (or duck duck go) for you…
https://www.vice.com/en/article/epz8pk/psychology-pretty-privilege-attractive-people
https://www.science.org/content/article/scienceshot-brain-rewards-us-looking-pretty-faces
I mean common sense would help you with your denial. But there are dozens of other links if you go look.
Let’s see.
Article 1: “pretty privilege exists.”
Article 2: “pretty privilege exists.”
Article 3: “pretty face privilege exists.”
None of these indicate that being seen and rewarded for being a relaxed, confident, comfortable guy is an outlier thing that rarely happens.
Also, I asked for data, not articles.
Wasting your time arguing with that one, he’s likely already back in front of his mirror to stare at his hideous visage and silently judge himself.
Unfortunately :/
Visual pushback against bad ideas can be good for a community, though. I dunno. Mostly, I just wish people would stop being so doomer.
Now try being an ugly woman
You just wanna do it on easy mode or what?
As long you are only ugly on the outside, it’s just a matter of getting used to it.
This is true. I think I could probably get it up for anyone who’s truly awesome.
Have you tried dating sites? I can’t even get “ugly” women to respond to me so they must have “better options” reaching out to them or I really am just that undesirable lol
I am! Still no dates though…
Let me tell you a completely unguarded open non-secret: most men will date anything with a pulse, quite literally. I’m not saying you should settle for any scumbag you can find, just that your odds are better than you think.
At least they get makeup.
Oh, shit, that’s right, make up is chemically corrosive to men’s skin, we can’t use it.
I get what you’re saying, but they also have a point. Yes, men can wear makeup, but there are many reasons a lot of guys actively refuse that option. Are any of them “real”, no, but considering the social nature of our species, even the ones that aren’t “real” still matter to us
It’s as “real” as your name is “real” and is really your name. It may not be a large object visible to the naked eye but it’s still a solid thing stored in neurons of many physical brains.
Can you imagine the response from a woman after your first shower if you were good at applying makeup and used it all the time? “You… you lied to me! Wait, are you gay? I’m so confused right now.”
That’s the most “well actually” comment I’ve read today.
It’s 10PM. Do you know where your children are?
But really, I’m agreeing with the guy/gal. There’s no ackshually. There are very real consequences to social faux paus. Language isn’t a tangible object you can hood in your hand, but I don’t think anyone would argue that language isn’t real. Societal norms are the same.
Don’t worry, I understood completely what you were saying lol. Most of our day to day is determined by things that are only real because we have decided they are. Morality, laws, language… none of it’s real, except that it is.
Being an ugly woman is not nearly the struggle that being an ugly man is. Women who aren’t attractive need to approach at all and they’ll have more success than ugly men who approach twice as often.
Women out there are still complaining they can find a bf when all they have to do is say something vaguely nice to a guy and he’ll marry you.
eh… women are mostly complaining because they struggle to find men they’d want to date, not because they think men won’t date them.
Well, I hate to break it to ya, but not every woman is going to get to marry a 6-6-6 just like not every man is going to marry a 10.
Additionally, most women would probably be better off marrying a man who WANTS to date them rather than trying to get one who doesn’t.
Maybe the kind of man they want to date is a man that isn’t an asshole. Especially not one who sees a woman who is not conventionally attractive and thinks, “yeah, I could fuck that.”
You know, there’s a simple solution to that, which women in the past had no trouble understanding: just put sex off the table until there’s a ring on your finger. That’s it. That’ll immediately eliminate any guy who’s only looking to up his notch count, as long as you actually stick to it and don’t just use it as a fake excuse to eliminate the weaklings.
Just thinking out loud, of course. I would not dream of telling what to do with their bodies.
Not finding out if you’re sexually compatible is a terrible idea. There’s a happy medium between “fuck immediately” and “don’t fuck for years.”
Perhaps, but it’s also not AS important as many people make it out to be. At least if you’re looking for a life partner, that is, not just a sex partner. After all, you’re gonna end up spending a LOT of time with that person not having sex.
But honestly, at some point this whole society is gonna have to collectively go to couple’s therapy or something in order to fix their shit. Or maybe that’s already happening, as I’ve seen at least a couple of TV shows where they send a bunch of good looking guys and girls in their 20s and 30s to a tropical island where they’re allowed to do anything except have sex, and the couple who ends up in the best relationship wins the grand prize.
I’m not gonna judge anyone for fucking around in their teens or early 20s, but let’s be honest, at some point you gotta grow out of that and realize there’s more to life than the bedroom. And after you’ve a couple rounds there you probably know pretty well what you like and don’t like, and you don’t need to test drive every single woman you meet before deciding whether she’s worth the time to try and have a relationship first.
It really is. Marriages end all the time because the sex isn’t satisfying. Sex is part of life.
Men don’t go for that because she didn’t make previous guys wait until marriage.
Making rules for those you “settle” for that did not previously apply is egregious hypocrisy.
I’m not sure whom that second sentence is directed at, because it could equally apply to men AND women, but it really kinda illustrates the problem with sleeping around before marriage, doesn’t it.
It’s obviously far easier for the average woman to get laid than it is for the average man, and any average man who’s tried his luck with casual flings and/or dating apps will know that by the time a woman as average as him proposes making him wait for sex. So it’s only natural that he’ll be skeptical and perhaps even upset, because there’s going to be a certain amount of rage and a desire to get even, hence they’ll be pressing for sex even harder.
So as the number of previous sexual partners increases, women tend to favor monogamy, because they’re tired of being pumped and dumped, whereas men tend to favor wanting to do more pumping and dumping because they’re tired of being passed over in her “fun phase” and only be considered “good enough” when it comes to wanting a relationship.
A strange game, isn’t it. The only winning move is not to play…
I don’t think you understand my point.
Let’s break this down by making up a hypothetical sexual history for the woman in question:
Guy 1 - Committed relationship, waited 3 months
Guy 2 - Casual fling, no waiting
Guy 3 - Committed relationship, waited 2 date
Guy 4 - Casual relationship, no waiting
Guy 5 - Hookup, no waiting
If, now that she’s seeing guy 6, she magically decides it’s time to be responsible and wait for a while. Any guy that has self respect isn’t going to tolerate that. Why is this new guy so different than than the previous ones? Why does she make him wait, but none of the previous men?
Anyone is going to figure that she is 1. Not attracted to him and is settling down after having fun to secure stability, or 2. Has cognitive dissonance about her past. A guy not accepting that and being skeptical of her intentions or level of honesty is fully justified.
And for the record, I apply my principles evenly between men and women. Casual sex is disgusting and a long sexual history is a sign of impulsive, irresponsible behavior or placing no value on your body or relationships. Man or woman.
You’re missing the point by a mile. It’s not about physical attraction, finances, or even the types of men just looking for a one-night stand. There are many men who want to be in long-term relationships, but don’t put in the effort necessary to keep that relationship alive and healthy.
Men benefit from long-term relationshipsbmore than women; a woman’s workload actually increases because she’s usually the one tasked with managing the home and all of the emotional and physical labor that comes with that… even when she already has a full-time job.
In order for a woman to want to be with a man, he needs to positively affect her life overall. So many men simply do not do that. That is the barrier to entry, and it is far from an unreasonable one. It’s generally easier and more desirable to be single than it is to be in a relationship with a man.
Idk. To me, it seems many would rather care about appearance than positively affecting life.
Whoa, whoa, slow down there… you’re saying men should be in charge of something? But that’s patriarchy!
Unless you only want to blame them for things not working out of course, because that’s what you’re doing if you give someone responsibility without giving them some sort of authority as well.
But let’s face it, in a relationship there is never, EVER such a thing as “it’s HIS fault” or “it’s HER fault”. The onus is always on both people — because unless you were forcefully married by your parents, both people chose each other out of their own volition.
So if you choose someone who keeps fucking up, guess what, that’s on you. And you can either put in the effort to try and figure out how to invoke a desire to change in them or chose someone better next time, but it’s gonna end up being work either way, because you won’t find a better partner unless you figure out why you chose the wrong one to begin with, you’ll just find more of the same.
Nice guy comment
Yes, how dare I suggest women date someone who will appreciate them instead of someone who won’t.
Patriarchy! Toxic masculinity! Guilty as charged, Mr. Officer, off to feminist jail I go.
dont get your fedora in a twist dude.
This guy different from that guy who married a comment girl that only wanted benefits from his citizenship and divorced him like two months in?
If that’s what actually happened she likely fucked herself over.
Most countries require years of history before citizenship is granted, and if you divorce before that (without “cause” like abuse) you’re not getting benefits. And if it comes out that it was all for citizenship/visa (ex. green card marriage) you get yourself on a list for trying to defraud the government and can’t return. Not to mention the fines and potential jail time.
And someone’s broken heart!
He’s not even ugly, he just needs a better haircut and a tan lol
Haircut sure, tan tho?? What are you 45? He also needed some different glasses and maybe hit the gym more. I hate how that makes me sound haha
Hitting the gym and a little more thought into his dressing?
What are you a womanizer red pill guru?! Next thing you know this guy is spinning 5 plates of spaghetti.
Oh god I’ve been exposed.
A tan would make him look less like a corpse
Hey I think corpses are sexy
Yeah, some women dig the marilyn manson look lol
Skin darkens as an attempt to defend us from excess UV, not for a cosmetic benefit.
most “ugly” people put themselves into a box. take care of yourself, wash your face, brush your teeth, eat somewhat decently, put minimal effort into your appearance, and have a speck of self confidence and you can change your world.
I know it can be daunting especially if you have legitimate mental health issues that affect how you view yourself but trust me theres very few “ugly” looking people in this world and most of them still make it work by having a good decent personality.
Most people are ugly because they have a ugly personality.
Most people are ugly because they have a ugly personality.
Are you japanese or something? I swear I heard this from an entertainer from there when she asked her boss why was everyone so pretty at the company.
no ive just been lucky to meet truly beautiful and gorgeous people who are not conventionally considered “attractive.”
Ah blame the ugly people! That’ll show em!
thanks for proving my point champ
“Ugly people have ugly personalities, if you disagree with me I’ll count that as an ugly personality”
What a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone disagreeing with you is enough for you to dislike them, I very much prefer to be “ugly” to you and for you to remain the fuck away.
I kind of mesh with this thought.
I make a solid effort to take care of myself, present myself as best I can, and find joy in the things that I do. I’ve also been mostly alone for a long time, not by choice, and I feel it’s likely that has to do with my appearance. I’m okay with that. I still view my own image positively, though I don’t think others do. I accept that’s not due to anyone’s malice - since when I look at others, I’m susceptible to standards of beauty as well.
Still, whenever that comes up in online discussions like this one, people seem magnetized to the belief I have this “ugly personality” to be alone. Some people do - that much is true. But it’s also long been the case that not everyone has an equal and fair shot in life. I’m also glad I wasn’t born to an impoverished African country with no running water.
Humans are, sadly, wired to associate beauty with morality and talent, and reversely, to associate ugliness with immorality, and even though we have increasing proof of this bias, plenty of people would sooner judge complete strangers from the comfort of their PC chairs than engage in a little self-reflection. I consider myself slightly handsome, but I’ll still get shit until the end of my days because my mannerisms as an autistic person are considered alien. If it’s any consolation, finding friendship and love with these handicaps is not impossible, just harder.
That you’re lying to make yourself feel better? Umm ok
Have fun wallowing in self pity.
Actually, I’m above average in looks, but I don’t need to lie about it being an advantage. I also have empathy for other humans, so I treat them with respect by not blaming them for their disadvantage…
i don’t remember blaming or lacking empathy for people who are perceived as ugly.
In fact its funny that you say that people with looks that aren’t conventionally “attractive” are “disadvantaged.” which by the way is a fucking awful way to look at people.
It proves my point that you arent ugly because of how you look but how you act and to me thats what makes you ugly.
and you are quite an ugly cunt
Are you sure there are few ugly people? Ah wait… that might mean I am one of the few. Sad
LOL
Damn bro even the “ugly” guys have more luck than me :(
I mean she found him cute so he wasn’t actually ugly.
I on the other hand get “oh, you looked better from far away.” You want ugly I can show you ugly! Lmao
Edit: I’d “love” to gross you all out with my picture, but I value being at least somewhat anonymous so I don’t want to link a picture to my username lol
Show me
Imagine Peewee Herman but much uglier, balding, hairy, and 5’6" lol
Actually sounds kimda hot to me. Just because you aren’t attracted to you doesn’t mean I won’t be. I guess the trick is finding someone you are also attracted to in return.
“much uglier, balding, short”
“Sounds kinda hot”
Why can’t people like you live near me!? lmao
I should say that while I’m not exactly “picky” as in passing over people for superficial things, I also don’t want “just anyone.” So like sure, I could probably pick up a real mess of a person with all sorts of drama, but then I’d be with a mess of a person with all sorts of drama lol
Edit: Should have said I’m not calling you a mess of a person, just speaking generally lol
Tbf, you also said “hairy,” which is a huge turn-on for some ladies. My SO is obsessed with hairy. I didn’t know that was a thing until her.
Get confident. That’s what sold my girl on me. I walk, talk and otherwise behave confidently, even when I have no fu#$ing clue.
Bonus points: my SO also points out when other girls check me out. I’m oblivious to that stuff, so that’s a nice boost.
The confidence thing helps some people, but I don’t think I have much success with that. I come off as very insecure on lemmy because I’m anonymous and can be open and honest about how I see myself, but when I’m out and about I’m walking with my chest high and when communicating I’m generally charming, always aiming to make someone laugh.
For someone who hates a lot about myself, you wouldn’t know it at all if you met me in person lol
Ouch, balding, yes I get you fam. Also balding in my 23. If you talking about Herman in his youth, honestly he was good looking. So an uglier version of him sounds just average. I’m a very tall guy but that didn’t help me in relationship department so I can’t really judge by height.
Sorry but can you show me? This is so relatable
Mix Peewee Hermans face with Danny devitos hair and height and then imagine that person is actually uglier than just that combo lol
I feel attacked. First of all, both of those guys are hot. Paul Rubens was always hot as fuck in my opinion. Seriously. He’s just my type. And Danny Devito is one of those guys that becomes hot as you get to know him a bit. Then, he becomes a complete fucking stud.
Hard to imagine, also I don’t think that would necessarily be bad-looking. Hard to judge without photographs, would like to ask for one if it’s fine
I don’t really know how to do that without it being visible for others, I don’t really want to link my face to my account.
I know I’ve pretty much given up my general location in comments elsewhere, but I feel like I can be most honest when I have at least some form of anonymity lol
I see, sorry for asking. Have a good day!
No need to apologize, I appreciate your curiosity! I hope you have a good day too! :)
That’s because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The big point is that you need to get out there, take risks, ask a girl or guy, sometimes get a date, sometimes get rejected… you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
If you really are out there, go to hobby clubs, be it stamp collection or a gymnasium, or a bar, go places, go meet people. I can’t talk for you of course but in my experience most people with the “nobody wants me!” problem never go out. How is anyone to like you if nobody knows you exist?
It’s like being a website. Get your ass on google, Facebook, Reddit, whatever. If nobody can find your site, your site may as well not exist.
And just to be clear: Being rejected sucks. But it’s part of life and you move on. Don’t try to date Ana de Armas right away, and complain that no girl wants you. Date normal guys and or gals, ideally with People that share your likes and values. Don’t settle for the first person who you date, find out what you like, find out what you hate but FFS, find out! Go out, do something, don’t just sit inside.
Honestly I would rather be lonely than be the guy that makes women uncomfortable by hitting on them.
There’s a significant gap between thinking “she’s cute, I’ll ask if she’s available” and catcalling while trying to molest her.
Okay? I didn’t say there wasn’t?
And asking that is also considered sexual harrassment time to time, when the person asking is ugly.
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Most ugly people are not really ugly, they just need a haircut and a higher quality webcam.
I must be uglier than that guy because no one has ever said anything nice about me when I share pics. :(
Have you tried making a video reaching 20m views?
Not quite… 16k on a Skyrim video I made when I was in my 20’s where I just spend 15 minutes calling a dude on the TES forums dumb. The comments keep equating me to Jonah Hill, specifically his character from Superbad.
That’s good right?
depends on how good you are at drawing penises
Post pic, I won’t marry you but I will say something nice.
You have nice red hair.
The candy cane shaped spine compliments it very well.
I am frothing at the gash here
There’s medicine for that. Vitamin D!
Oh yeah! (High fives random dudebro)
I’m so cool, I know I know. :P
Being ugly is really fucking hard, until you go full Tyrion and wear it like armor.
Not every dude has this luck
Sorta disagree. Honesty and respect really mean a lot to people most just can’t figure out how to express it
Yeah… There’s a hell of a lot more than that needed. Honesty and respect are my middle names, yeah my parents are weird, and that gets me pretty much nowhere as far as success with women go.
I always see it as “being nice, honest, friendly” are like pickles on a sandwich. You want the sandwich, if you like pickles then having them is a bonus, but you wanted the (insert main portion of sandwich here). Not having the pickles is fine too as it’s not the main thing you were after.
i think this metaphor is close, but not quite. being honest, nice, friendly is like the bread of the sandwich, not the pickles. you can’t have a sandwich without the bread- but very occasionally, sometimes, you wanna just reach in and just grab some meat and cheese
Yes, but a lot of women don’t appreciate it either.
One posts about experience of being ugly
Look into it
Freaking average
Lmao, ffs. Are people teasing us who really struggle in day-to-day life?
