Is it really harder to find true, meaningful friendships (not romantic and/or sexual) in more ‘adult’ years or is this an introverts problem? I am quite introverted at first, I would never just start a friendly conversation with a stranger and work friends usually are just work friends. I moved to UK in 2019 and since then I had few different jobs and connected with people from work, but none of them wanted to stay in touch outside work. I was a bit confused, as I thought those people enjoyed my company as much I did theirs. Not even sure if this is maybe a cultural thing? I grew up in Poland and Eastern European people are more direct than British, so you know straight away of they like you or not. What are your experiences? How do you deal with meeting new people?
Most friendships are based around convince. After a long enough period, and a little intentionality, you drift into friendships that based simply on the fact that you’re friends.
Take a moment and think about where you’ve met your friends over your life. School, work, sports, volunteering, your neighborhood, etc. These are all excuses to get together and see each other over and over that aren’t focused on the relationship itself. After a little while, you figure out which people in the group you like that have the time and interest to be friends with you. You won’t always get your way, but you can literally put yourself out there as much as possible and make friends when the opportunities arise.
You don’t have to be the life of the party, you just need a reasonable excuse to see the same people over and over.
I have childhood friends. I have romantic partners. I have adult friendships are based around convenience. My social life is the web of friendships surrounding my childhood friends and my romantic partners plus the current convenience friends.
Writing that out I realize I might not have deep friendships with people I’ve met as an adult because I don’t extend my social circle to include more of their friends. I’m just a dangling friendship in their lives not part of their larger network of friends.
I wonder what that’s about.
I mean, there is only do much time in the day. You can only have so many good friends. Who are you going to prioritize, the ones you’ve had for years, or the new ones that might not pan out?
You’ve also hit another good point. Friendships are often based around friendship groups, instead of being a series of one-on-one connections. Sure, within the group you’ll have your favorites, but there’s usually a standard list you invite for social events. If you’re not going to join the group, you’re not likely to become a strong friend to just the one individual.
I’ve found in adulthood that having many one on one connections is exhausting. It’s just a matter of efficiency to have a “friend group” or at least get your friends to be acquaintances with each other.
It’s also that when you are in a group you are usually gonna carry like 20-30% of the conversational load rather than 50% (plus or minus).
I think you are spot on about the convenience.
One of the most effective ways to build social relationships is to be a regular somewhere. Could be a bar, cafe, park, library, front yard, walking route, gym, or a more organized hobby group. Just be a familiar face and appear at least once a week (more is better). Something local to you is going to make the barrier to getting off the couch and being at your regular spot all the lower, to make sure you’re sticking with it.
If there isn’t something near you that feels like the “right fit” for you to spend your time, it’s a worthy goal to put in the work to make it that way.