Everything I do seems to be complete useless, stupid and just agonizingly boring. I usually really like my work. Learning Programming languages, solving Problems, and enjoying the small rush when something finally works like you intended. But now? Everything sucks. I know that it’s just a down-phase, but this does not help me at all. And I fucking hate myself so much that I can’t just be like “Yeah it’s a bad day, but I still manage to get my shit done.” Why can’t I be “normal”?
It is completely human to feel down from time to time, when you feel like something is missing then find a thing to fill the void with (no alcohol or drugs)
Also remember, there is no normal everyone is a individual and we are all different in our ways.
I don’t like to be one of the “just go outside” people but in your case going for a walk in a Forrest or another area of your choosing might actually help to get your head free from work and some physical activity (even just walking and looking at flowers on the ground or the Land itself) would probably brighten up your mood over time (bonus being that its healthy for the body as well) you can also use a bike if you like too.
Other than that I’d recommend cooking or baking, its good to do it yourself and you learn or improve a useful skill. Also its great to make something with your own hands and enjoy the product afterwards, while you can relax some other parts of yourself.
Playing some relaxing games might also help, the type is up to you of course, I’d personally recommend stardew valley, factorio or rimworld all are relaxing in their own way. When you have friends to play with that’s cool but its not necessary when you don’t want too.
My last advice might sound stupid but it helped me a lot to gain self confidence and self respect, wich I would say you lack from how your post reads. every morning and every evening you stand in front of a mirror and say something nice to yourself one thing every time (something like “today I finished XY”“i was very eloquent today” “I helped someone today” “today I look great as always” and so on), you wish yourself a good morning or good night and say something you want to do tomorrow. A important thing regarding this is that it works like a placebo and a self fulfilling prophecy at once, it will work even if you don’t want it too and you will care more about the small things you did right and you will improve yourself subconsciously without putting yourself under pressure. You don’t need to move the mountains, you only need to carry one spoon of it every day and soner than you realize the mountain will start to appear smaller and smaller. Getting out of a depressive phase or a depression takes time but you have that time you will outlive your depression and you will dance on its grave.
All of this helps regardless of the people around you, however if you have emotional distress talking to someone will help more, these things i said can’t cure trauma they can help living with it but when you feel overwhelmed talking to a doctor or friends or family about it will help a lot. And one important thing, its OK to cry.
Best wishes.
(Open for questions)