with people with good skills to defuse a tense situation at the workplace I mean everyone of you, because I suck at this and I’m sure anyone here is better than I am with this kind of stuff.
Tense situation is a karen yelling at one of my colleagues because her father’s operation was postponed because I kid you not 4 doctors called in sick today. Rumor has it they’re striking for better pay.
My instinctive response if someone starts behaving like a childish, snippy, entitled karen and acts passive-aggressively is to leave and ignore the person. In this case, the karen started ranting to my coworker, getting all snippy and wouldn’t shut up. A rational conversation with people that irrational is impossible, so I kept doing my job, transferring a patient to another ward.
I never expected this colleague to tell me she felt let down because I didn’t help her to deal with said karen. She said simply staying next to her would have sufficed. I told her I’d do that next time someone yells at her.
I consider myself lucky because I can leave to do my job but my colleague was trapped with this person.
My questions to you people with good social skills:
does it really help to simply stay next to my colleague, letting her do the talking while I do nothing but looking at the karen in the eye?
what if, each time the karen opens her mouth I repeat ‘calm down’ ad nauseam till she either tires, shuts up or walks away?
what do you say or do to support your coworkers while they’re being verbally abused that somewhat defuses the situation?
what if avoiding conflict is a trait of mine to the point that I let people walk all over me?
how do you resist the urge to walk away? Situations like this trigger my fight or flight response.
what if I have to do this with a man and it gets physical? If somebody strikes me and I strike back, and I can guarantee you I’m striking back, I’m as guilty as the first aggressor.
I would suggest breathing and taking time to respond if you need to respond at all. I’d also, genuinely (and I’m not trying to say anything about you here) try to check in with your internal monologue.
If you want to effectively resolve conflicts, you have to make people feel like you’re listening to them even if you disagree, and even if you think they’re inane or annoying or stupid. In my experience, to make people feel like you’re hearing what they’re saying and not just being dismissive (being dismissive absolutely will antagonise people), I have to make an effort to try to empathise, try to understand where they’re coming from, and try to be charitable.
To me, just picking up on terms in your post like “Karen”, and “snippy”, it feels like you’re dismissing this person - which I totally get. You’re not going to resolve conflicts that way, if you’re trying to resolve this particular conflict. It’s not possible to resolve every conflict, and some people simply will not engage with your attempts to work things out and will shout you down and try to trample you, but if you want a resolution you have to be willing to try.
Aside from that, yeah, walking away from your colleague I can see them feeling a bit abandoned by that. It’s not weird to just stand there quietly in support - in fact, some people may even feel threatened if you try to interject as it’ll then be two against one, and that might escalate things.
Anyway, good that you’re asking, and good luck! Remember, you’re allowed to take time to respond. It’s better for you to breathe and calm yourself if you feel nervous during conflict, rather than leaping to reply and listening to any kind of nervous, defensive reaction. Take time, slow down, and breathe. It’s normal to feel nervous and uncomfortable and upset when facing conflict. ✌️