We’re autistic, and one of the characteristics of being autistic is that we feel things deeply. On the positive side, when we are happy, we feel immense joy compared to others. On the negative side, we feel painful emotions more strongly than others as well. Because of this, many of us have been invalidated, insulted, or pushed away when all we were wanting was to share what we were going through and get support. Maybe even a really tight hug and someone telling us that it makes sense that we feel that way.
While we can’t give hugs, we can help each other by sharing our pain and having others help us through it. So here is that post. What’s bothering you? Why? Tell us.
Note 1: Sort by New to see the most recent posts.
Note 2: This post in particular will be especially moderated in terms of trolling, abusive, derogatory, offensive, disrespectful, invalidating, accusatory, or antagonizing responses to a user’s pain. If your response is removed by mods, but you think you make a valid point, try rephrasing it in a compassionate manner that is not dismissing or accusatory.
I have to deal with queerphobic and ableist people regularly :(
I have to deal with queerphobic
Imagine caring that people have sex differently from you.
Let’s be honest, the people who want to control other people’s sex lives probably do so because they have no sex life themselves ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
omg this drives me bonkers. why are people so concerned with the sex others have?? I’m “straight” and I can’t understand it. let people live their lives.
That deeply sucks. I used to have that and luckily got rid of those people in my life and found a cool LGBTQ+ gaming community that I’m now part of.
Hope you’ll be free too at some point.
Well, since you asked, I will mention some things.
Firstly, I am tired of being infantilized. So many people have done this to me in my own life. People who call themselves friends and family who want me to succeed and do well. It’s makes me extremely enraged. I am very sick of people belittling me in this fashion. I absolutely hate it. Can’t people just give me some respect and autonomy as my own self? I don’t understand the obsession with wanting to control other people. In fact I am very tired of it. I feel people do not respect me.
Secondly, I feel very lonely, and have very few genuine friends. I have some online friends who are good. But very few irl. In fact, I am wanting more autistic friends. I am planning on going to social groups for autistic people. I am hoping this works out for me. I won’t lie, I am nervous about it.
Thirdly, why is finding a job that is suitable to my sensory needs so difficult for me? I am tired of it. I listened to people for too long on what I should do with my life. I bitterly regret doing this. I made a lot of decisions based on what people thought I should do. This was all infantilization, and it was more what these people wanted me to do. I’m really fed up, people suck.
Firstly, I want to say that this has nothing to do with things I said recently in the age limit thread; these are things I’ve been worried about for a while now. Basically, some things are really bothering me right now.
- I’ve been increasingly annoyed at the double standards of rules. The thing where the rules clearly say one thing, yet everyone looks the other way unless people draw explicit negative attention to themselves. In many cases I like that they aren’t being as strict with rules as they say they are (because the rules as written kinda suck). But for the love of god, please just say what the actual rules are.
- I’m getting really worried about a hypothetical situation that I feel could be disastrous for me. It’s very unlikely to play out how I think it will in my head, but it’s possible. All the anxiety cocktails in my brain are burning away hyperfocusing on it.
- Could we please, as a society, just stop all the fear and stigma around sex and sexuality? Like… Just stop.
- I’m nearly thirty and haven’t been in a relationship yet. I spend basically all my time indoors talking to the same few people and posting angry rants on social media. I’m now not in anywhere near a good enough mental state to go out and talk to people.
- Probably other stuff. I have a lot of issues.
But yeah, I’ve been in a bad headspace this past few months and I don’t feel I have good enough coping mechanisms. Spent the past few weeks trying to set up some coping mechanisms with a counsellor. Been feeling a lot like I’m repeatedly burning out, over and over, by worrying and stressing about things.
I don’t feel like my issues are anywhere near as serious as other people’s, but it’s really messing me up just the same. ;_;
- I’m nearly thirty and haven’t been in a relationship yet. I spend basically all my time indoors talking to the same few people and posting angry rants on social media. I’m now not in anywhere near a good enough mental state to go out and talk to people.
I feel this. I’m 28 years old and haven’t even held hands with a woman. It sucks and takes a huge toll on your psyche, because everywhere you look in the world there are people happy in relationships and it just makes you feel worthless when you’ve gone so long in your life without experiencing that.
That being said, a bunch of stuff happened to me in the past couple months and right now I’m feeling tantalizingly close to actually having a relationship with a woman. I don’t want to jinx it, but I went on a very promising first date last week (the second first date I’ve been on in my life), and have the second date with the same woman tomorrow night. And between then and now she has been texting me a bunch and I get the impression that she is interested in pursuing something serious with me.
Not trying to flex or anything, just wanted to let you know that things can change quickly. If someone told me in September that I’d be in the situation I’m in now, I would have probably gotten mad at them for lying to me in such a patronizing way. Life is weird like that.
If you have any questions or want any advice, I can maybe provide. I think I’ve really had my eyes opened in the last couple of months to the tools needed to climb out of that hole, though I don’t know your situation.
I mentioned this elsewhere, but one thing that really made me more optimistic is seeing a lot of people here casually mention having partners, or even NT folks posting asking for advice for their autistic partners. For me though, firstly I think I should focus on getting my mental state in a good enough place that I can socialise properly and not be anxious all the time.
Congrats on finding someone though, I hope it works out.
Thanks, me too.
If you want my unsolicited 2 cents on improving your mental state, I highly recommend the book “The Six Pillars of Self-esteem” by Nathaniel Branden. It’s a big part of what made such a big change for me and was recommended to me by my therapist specifically because she’s found it helps a lot of ND people she works with.
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All issues are valid and the level of seriousness is always the same because it’s what impacts you. So don’t put yourself or your issues down because someone else is ‘worse off’.
I’m kind of like you in the relationship thing. I’m almost 40 and I can’t date for a multitude of reasons. You’re not lesser or inferior or anything else for not dating.
Thanks for the reply. I understand that I shouldn’t dismiss my own feelings and problems just because they aren’t “important”. But at the same time, I don’t really feel comfortable claiming that my issues are anywhere near as serious as people that are facing problems like abuse and potential loss of housing or life.
And I get that I’m not less of a person having never dated anyone (and I don’t think people should be pressured into having relationships for the sake of it). But at the same time, there’s so much I want to explore relating to it and it feels super frustrating to not be able to do so due to my life situation.
All struggles being ‘equal’ seems weird and hard to accept, but it’s important to do so. You aren’t going through what someone else is going through nor are they going through what you’re going through. Both things exist at the same time and have the same weight to them. Sure society will claim one should suck it up or whatever but that is just toxic and meant to keep people down. I’m not going to change your mind since that is something you have to do from your end. But I did want to offer it up that you can have your problems and they’re equally as important as those of someone else. This kind of thinking was a big shift for myself way back and I got my mom to shift her thinking too and it’s just all around a good change.
Well remember that it’s your choice if you do or do not do something. This is true of dating, job(s), friend(s) etc. If you’re not in a place where you feel you can have a relationship that’s okay. The future may change that for you and it may not. While that isn’t the most… warm of sentiments it has to be said. Most people don’t really care about what it is that we feel should hold us back from doing something like dating. Don’t let it get you down instead go at your own pace and make the decision yourself.
Yeah, life does give one lemons sometimes. I’m sorry for your unfortunate circumstances. I have been in very deep shit as well. One feels treated unfairly. Society as a whole has many problems. One of them is unleashing all its anger on a few, innocent individuals. Please remember, that a lot of your problems are not your fault, and there is no point in feeling bad for them.
As to the sexuality: I completely get your point. People are weird when it comes to sex. I believe that a lot of people have emotional problems, just that they don’t express most of the time. But when it comes to sex, they can’t hide it anymore. That is why so many people are so completely weird when it comes to sex.
I would suggest looking out for people who are emotionally healthy, like girls who are truly satisfied with themself. I believe that they are emotionally stronger, and therefore have fewer issues overall, especially deep inside; Which is relevant when you want to have a long-term relationship with them. That is just my piece of advice, I hope it gives you some clarity.
I’ve been increasingly annoyed at the double standards of rules. The thing where the rules clearly say one thing, yet everyone looks the other way unless people draw explicit negative attention to themselves. In many cases I like that they aren’t being as strict with rules as they say they are (because the rules as written kinda suck). But for the love of god, please just say what the actual rules are
Are you referring to this community? If so, can you elaborate?
Nah, nothing like that. Some examples:
- Every country seems to have a number of archaic old laws that everyone seems to be breaking, but many don’t actually get prosecuted for it (and in many cases, doing so would be politically unwise).
- A big platform that I depend on as part of my professional career (Github) has rules against having multiple accounts per person. But so many people do it that I have to assume they don’t enforce it unless you being excessive.
- Discord and Final Fantasy 14 both have strict rules against third party client modifications, but they seem very commonplace. Again, perhaps unenforced?
- People flagrantly disregard the rules of some platforms and services, and yet they seem to be mostly tolerated until they suddenly aren’t. In a few cases this is the only source of income for some people (luckily not me), and getting shut down would put them at a huge risk.
- Depending on your moral compass, some level of violating IP law is morally excusable. It is of course illegal, but barely enforced. Probably.
It’s… Legitimately terrifying the level of control governments and megacorps have over people, and feels somewhat arbitrary what they let you do or don’t do. And to be clear - I think most of these rules are dumb, but I just want rules to be changed rather than left unenforced.
I think most of these rules are dumb, but I just want rules to be changed rather than left unenforced.
I think that some laws are left unenforced unless a person in power wants to punish you. Then, they enforce it but only you.
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Virtual Hugs to all.
My story is too long to share, abusive aunt/uncle and soon to be homeless, lost my mom recently. It’s been tough.
I used to be homeless. I am sorry it’s coming up for you. I wish the safest, smoothest, shortest homelessness stint for you.
Thanks for the positive wishes. The plan is to live in my car and travel. Eventually finding raw land to call home.
lost my mom recently
My dad was possibly top 1% of assholes, and I still felt a new pain I didn’t know existed when he died. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Right this moment?
My main regular doctor, who I slowly built a rapport and trust with over years and years, was intentionally infected with Delta by a patient who didn’t believe in masks or vaccines. She survived but became disabled and left. I didn’t get to say goodbye and she didn’t get a chance to help hand off my care.
My new doctor that was assigned me to hates me.
She’s straight up is completely uninterested in my care and is being an ableist gatekeeper of my meds. I’ve been on the same meds successfully for years and years and she is making me jump through hoops, not filling part of it, and she WITHOUT TALKING TO ME ordered a urine drug test.
I’m a rule follower and people pleaser and this was so fucking insulting. I haven’t done it and she still hasn’t said said anything. I’m going to ignore it until she talks to me but I’m also not confrontational.
I have so many health problems I can’t even talk about with my doctor because she doesn’t want to hear them. All she cares about is my meds and whether or not I’m a liability to her.
It’s my worst nightmare because I had addict parents and have never done drugs and really don’t drink. I’m very sensitive about being treated like I’m like them. She treats me poorly because she doesn’t know me and doesn’t trust me. I also suspect she’s burned out.
The worst part is she’s my roommate’s doctor too and she’s all smiles and nice, caring, and empathetic with my roommate (so they say).
I don’t know what I did to make her hate me because she was hostile from the jump when I tried to introduce myself and my conditions.
I just had an appointment and I’m really upset and feel hopeless. I can’t switch doctors or they will label me as doctor shopping and drug seeking.
Don’t need advice, I’m not going to stand up for myself. I’m just answering the prompt.
I can’t switch doctors or they will label me as doctor shopping and drug seeking.
Yes, you can, and please do if you feel up to it. Or could you take someone (like your roommate) as your advocate?
Mainly just the pain of PMDD/endometriosis, being a shut-in because of that and ND, frustration at not being taken seriously enough by doctors, that I am not the best at expressing myself verbally, and that maybe if I could communicate in my preferred medium that they might understand better.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I don’t mean to be that guy, because…well… I’m a guy, for one. But I had two female friends that swore a keto diet was the only thing that helped their endometriosis. One spoke of it in glowing, evangelical terms. Just passing it along in case maybe it’s worth looking into for you, too, but not trying to be an ass.
No worries. Keto actually has been helping my symptoms but I struggle to eat enough and am rapidly losing weight, so it might not be a good long-term solution.
I can’t Christmas this year. The rising Christian nationalist takeover of the US and the war in Gaza are obvious triggers, but I have a long inventory of concerns in which hope is demonsrably fiction.
Also I just read This Is How You Lose the Time War which has had a profound, complex impact on me. I don’t understand all the emotions I’m feeling about it. I want to start a religion inspired by Time War but I don’t imagine it would be necessarily any good or successful.
It may have to do with Red and Blue coming from far-future transhuman societies while IRL the human species is at considerable risk of going extinct in the next few centuries. It realt amplifies the dispair of existential crises like mine.
yeah, i get it. i thought to recommend you follow that read up with Practicing Peace in Times of War by Pema Chodron. essentially a brief collection of timeless, distilled wisdoms. a listen through the audiobook usually helps me reground.
I’m so bad a talking to others. I understand, speak and write three languages (I work as a translator), but I can’t talk to people for shit. Auditory processing sucks, the moment people start talking to me my brain goes “NOW PAY ATTENTION OR YOU WILL MISS WHAT THEY SAY” while they are speaking. Then I go “WHAT?” like some deaf and dumb idiot. Never mind not remembering their names or faces after the conversation.
On the other hand I got into a situation recently where I had to live interpret (very different job from translation) for a friend in my two non-native languages in a highly stressful situation, different authorities involved, absolute nightmare. I made a bad job of it mostly (as expected) but still managed to help her solve her problems. And for a few moments I managed to get into a zone where my brain managed to focus on what was said and just straight out process it into the other language. It was magical.
So I have started taking online interpreter training. Getting into verbal language use in a professional way might do the trick. Sometimes brains can be hacked. Plus, if ShiteGPT takes all the written translation work away I might still have a job in the future.
The list is extensive, but I’ve forced myself into this place of complete numbness so I can operate to a tiny degree each day. Like I’m ‘living the dream’ since I’m a shut-in NEET who plays games and watches TV. But it’s a hollow lonely existence. I live with my mom and she’s understanding and I help her how I can. Some of that help is cooking, yard work, and listening to her complain. If I complain it’s the end of the world so I just have to bottle up everything and put on my best ‘okay face’. Can’t complain to her and can’t complain to people online.
For example I’m in a clan in Destiny 2 as it’s one of my games. I love the game but it has massive issues. If I mention those issues everyone acts like I’m an asshole and I’ve been warned to ‘tone down the negativity’ or I’d be removed. It’s not even negativity… I’m pointing out that X or Y doesn’t work most of the time. And if I dare say I’m doing anything other than amazing it’s like someone walking into a room and shitting on the floor. I don’t have any friends really and every community I’ve been a part of has always booted me out because they don’t like something about how I interact with them.
I’m really lonely. Physically I haven’t been touched in almost a decade and I’ve given up on finding a significant other since I’m a shut-in NEET with crippling gender dysphoria and anxiety. Like no one is going to take on the burden that I am even if I am loving and whatever. So I just exist in this state of numbness so I don’t scream or talk to myself in a gibbering mess of tears.
Oh yeah those commercials about getting healthcare, in the USA, for $10 or less with assistance? Absolute bullshit. My mom got pissy with me that I needed to look into it. So I spent an hour doing their paperwork to find out it’d still cost me $200 and up for insurance with assistance. $200 is more than I would make in 4 or 5 years if I was lucky lol
Uh sorry this is long and pointless.
Wait people are getting upset with you for being negative about destiny? Lol that game is god awful… coming from a die hard day one destiny player
The remaining player base is rife with toxic positivity. I’m a former destiny addict, but I quit a long time ago, and so did most of the people I used to play with. The game sucks now, and it’s not coming back.
Yeah all the clans I’ve been in always end up very insular (ie only play with a select few people) and since I play a lot solo (due to anxiety and not wanting to screw others over by messing up even if I’m a good player) I find fault with stuff. And when I bring up those issues I’m always told I’m being too negative or some such. Like this Dawning has some major issues and I brought some of them up today and had to try to say it nicely.
That I am not fit for society.
I have nothing to offer and have not been able to achieve any of my dreams. Lowering the bar each time till it hit the ground. The whole “don’t give up” is bullshit. At best, I’ll be a cog in the machine that will always be exhausted, dependent on other people. At worst, I’d become ill and homeless because I struggle to take care of myself.
My parents should never had had kids. They just ended up neglecting my sister and I due to their own lack of ability. People care about having kids, over wanting what’s best for them.
Are you me? I feel almost exactly the same way. I also feel my parents shouldn’t have become parents when they did.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat. How come? Anything you wished they did differently?
I have all sorts of problems in my personal life. Mental and physical health are terrible. The few friends I have moved to other timezones and have jobs that make it harder and harder for me to even talk with them online much anymore. I’m too depressed and anxious to go out and get a job or meet people. I’m too depressed and unfocused to try to work on the art that interests me.
But the worst of it all is a feeling that even if I fixed all my personal problems, what’s the point when the world is this shitty and keeps getting worse? The planet is rapidly becoming unlivable and we’re never going to do anything about it because the power structure depends on the things that are causing the problem. People have less and less control over our lives as corporations gain more and more power through consolidation and technology.
I’ve heard people say that the world just isn’t suited to accommodate some kinds of people, but I don’t see how it accommodates ANYONE who isn’t rich and powerful. I think most people just do better at suppressing that feeling than me. Is anyone really healthy and happy working some awful job for low pay so they can just barely afford to live in an apartment they don’t own and eat food that’s slowly killing them?
My lonlieness-anxiety(not sure if its the correct term) has come back with full force. Christmas has not helped at all … yay overstimulation!! /s
Same! I was a bit of a mess, but I still hung out with a friend and his family. The family has autism throughout, which I noticed when the kids showed up. That helped me feel safer and more included. However, it was REALLY noisy and chaotic, so it was also overwhelming.
Feel like I don’t fit in anywhere no matter where the where is. I’ve been in a gajillion World of Warcraft guilds over my almost 19 years of playing. And in all that time I’ve never met anyone who was a lasting friend or play partner. When I was in school I tried to join the LGBTQIA+ plus club and was ostracized out of the first get together I went to because I said I didn’t have a problem talking to respectful people about my trans status. I have no friends in person (especially since I don’t leave the house but once a week to get groceries) and have maybe one friend online but we don’t really have anything to connect over or do together.
Every time I find a place to call ‘home’ it feels like I’m not wanted in that space after a period of time that is short as a few hours to a year later. When I try to talk about the thing a group is about I’m not positive enough for them or I’m too intense.
Each day I wake up and curse to myself that I did. Like I want to break down crying but I can’t. I’m so worn out and it doesn’t matter. I can’t talk to my mom about it. I can’t talk to my friend about it. I’m too poor to get help and I don’t have a 20 year medical record following me to get help. If I died in my sleep it’d at least be an end to my constant silent suffering, the tinnitus, the lack of energy, the dysphoria and physical pain. No more loneliness or cursing the monster in the mirror whos skin I am forced to wear.
Some lady on TikTok said that autistic people were “cute”. I’m sorry, are we a fucking joke to you neurotypicals? Just because some of us like trains or need headphones, doesn’t make us “cute”. My disability is not something to be seen as that. Trust me, people like you only see the tip of the iceberg. You don’t know what REALLY goes on inside our heads.
As someone who just took an overnight train (and was very excited to do so) and had to wear headphones… yes, exactly that.
I have been flirting with job burnout for months now. Luckily my husband is having surgery next month so I am taking time off to help him. Hopefully that break will help with the feeling I’m just running on a treadmill desperately trying to stay on top of everything.
Try to make time for yourself; even on my two-week holiday I will work three days… but this to me is a holiday, so I tell myself.
