Finally found the man I thought I would marry, but the breakup came out of nowhere and I’m struggling to cope. What are the ways you’ve dealt with heartbreak in the past?
Time
This is the only real answer here.
Every other answer is in some way just making your perception of time accelerate.
But the only way to process emotional loss, of a close loved one; is with time. That’s just the way our brains are wired. We couldn’t survive as a species if we didn’t get numb to pain and trauma in the past.
Time with no contact. Any contact with the person and you are reopening the wound. Unfollow, block, they don’t exist.
No contact with the ex, but spend time with whatever community you are part of.
Sucks when you have kids with them and a shared friendship group.
Yes, time. But what do you do while the memories fade and replaced with? Friends, family, work, hobbies. I picked up a guitar after a devastating break-up that ate a lot of that time needed.
Yeah, the trick is to get really engaged into something that you don’t have time to think about it.
Ugh, heartache is literally painful. I’m sorry you are going through that.
For me, getting iver someone has been a multi-pronged approach.
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Accept that I’m going to feel grief for a while…at least a few months. That’s okay and normal. Don’t fight it, don’t get mad at it. Just notice it and ride it out. Your brain has to severe the neural networks that were dedicated to him, while rebuilding new ones. This is a process that takes a while.
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Start connecting with friends that are healthy. They can be a nice source of validation, connection, and support.
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Work on a new project to have a focus. This can help in those moments where I’m sitting around ruminating with nothing to do or no desire to do anything. Even if I’m ruminating while doing the project, at least I’ll something to show for it when it’s over.
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Start a new hobby to define myself apart from the relationship. I’m going to be a new person.
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When ready, start throwing out all of their stuff. I even get rid of gifts. If it reminds me of then when I look at it, it’s gone.
Things will get easier as you stop thinking about them slowly over the next dew weeks to months. Eventually, they become someone that you used to know with no real meaning other than the lessons you learned from that experience.
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Not gonna sugarcoat it – this will suck for a long time. For me it was friends, hookups and time that helped.
Friends let me forget for the time we hung out but also listened and just hugged me when I cried.
Hookups (and I realise this sounds vapid as shit) made me feel like I am still wanted and attractive.
Time made the thought of them sting less.
This will smost likely stick with you, but it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to hurt this badly forever. You will think of it less and less frequently. But you will have that scar. And that’s okay, I think.
Having sex with a new partner allows your brain to decouple from someone else. The new neural connections you form with the new partner are literally therapeutic.
I have found it to be the single best way to start moving on from an ended relationship.
How does this work for poly people? Just a shower throught.
That’s a good question. I have no idea.
I rode my bike in the woods. I would find a nice quiet spot and post up for 10 minutes and smoke a joint and then finish up my ride. If you’re gonna be sad you might as well be sad in nature. It’s therapeutic
Time is unfortunately the best medicine. Just take it one day at a time. Don’t stay in contact with them. Reach out to your friends and try to fill your time spending time with them.
Main thing is to keep yourself distracted. The ruminating will come, but right now you need to heal. I wasn’t able to clearly reflect on my ex and our relationship for easily over a year or so later.
There’s a set of questions an author named Byron Katie wrote about for managing limiting beliefs. First you have to isolate the belief that’s causing you pain. Then you ask the following:
1 - Is this belief true?
2 - Can I absolutely know this belief is true?
If you are still saying yes to these you’re not ready for 3 and 4.
3 - How do you feel when you believe this? Be sure to go into this really well. I find the more you put into this step the better the results at the last question. So where in your body does the feeling live? What temperature is it? How intense is it out of 10? Is it sharp or dull? Is it dry or wet? Does it change is it constant? Maybe even what color is it? You want to really witness and give credence to this feeling here.
And finally
4 - Who would you be or what would you be doing if you didn’t have this belief?
I can guess what answers you’d give here but you know so I don’t want to muddy that for you.
Edit: formatting
Be gentle with yourself.
Treating it like being sick (like a cold) helps me. That way I justify taking it slow. It’s something that will pass and it’s totally normal to feel really bad. It will probably be better soon but I need a lot of rest/self-care.
Dive into a hobby or passion, or find one. Fitness is a great alternative because it helps rebuild your own self-confidence while giving you an outlet to vent some of your feelings. Try to do something more socially that may transition into making new connections slowly.
Edit: Music is also fantastic for this. Dive into playing an instrument.
I tried to play an instrument, now I want to Kms even more
Why? Just remember: After some time (depending on your instrument, age and talent) you’ll suddenly be able to play really good sounding music <3
Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Take care of yourself. Eat well and stay hydrated, do whatever exercise and focus on yourself and your goals. Perhaps travel. Live for you and you will find someone else without looking.
This isn’t the exact same situation but me and my SO of 8 years broke up in January. It hurt a lot at first but over time I’m happier then i ever thought i would be without her. It’s an excellent opportunity to look at yourself with an introspective lens and grow as a person.
That and a lot of anime, video games, working out, magic the gathering, and discovering new hobbies.
Am so sorry to hear about this. Your message makes me wonder about two past relationships
(1) In one I spent years with someone and it actually was a very toxic relationship, but I didn’t realize it during the whole time. What happened was that when I got dumped, I thought I’d die and instead I got over it very quickly by noticing how much I’d lost of myself and how I was rediscovering of myself. It turned out I was able to flush it from myself in less that 6 months. It probably also helped I had finally found what I wanted to do for myself
(2) About a year and a half after the previous relationship, I found someone I really wanted to be with and who made it incredibly hard to get together with. I worked so hard and then we got together. After a month together, she cheated on me with my (then) best friend of several years. It took me years to get over this and we’d been together for just a month. Somehow the fact I wasn’t able to fully live this relationship hurt me way more than the previous long (but horrible) relationship.
Finding things that you enjoy doing helps a lot, but mainly it’s time that heals your wounds.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
Edit: fixed grammar
Wow my condolences, getting cheated on is awful. And don’t feel bad about my situation, it was the best breakup I’ve ever had. We both had realized beforehand that over the years we were together, the spark had slowly faded. We were so compatible as friends that when we spent time together, it was more like hanging out with a friend than a partner. The breakup itself took almost 3 hours and it was just us reminiscing about all the good times we had and how neither of us were at fault. I hope she finds someone worthy of how great she is, just like i wish the same for myself. It was truly a wholesome time, and now that i know what the real thing feels like, i know I’ll find it again some day.
I hope you find that special someone that vibes in the exact same way you vibe, the kind of person that makes your heart excited like a kid getting excited for chicken nuggets.
Thanks for your words! I wish the same to you (your description of excitement is so awesome!)! Hang in there!
What your words triggered in me are fairly old emotions. Those two bad relations happened many years ago and now am I with someone I hope will last (you never know, but fingers crossed)
Went on a hike and just sat and looked over a lake for some time. I then realized I was extremely happy that I got to know her, but also that she told what she felt. I also think I got proud of myself, I never thought I would meet some one at all but now I knew it was possible
Do cool shit, and be awesome. Living well is the best way to get over the life you you wanted but will never be. The one constant in your entire life is you, so the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.
So take a solo road trip. See that movie in the theater that you heard was great. Treat yourself to a nice dinner at that fusion place you were wanting to check out. Read and learn about the world. Take a class in that language you wanted to learn. Bake yourself fancy treats. Take on a new hobby. Make art.
To be the kind of person others will find awesome, you have to first become that person; in so doing, the pain of losing that ideal life you are mourning will slowly fade. It will never vanish completely, but over time the pain will become minimal, like rediscovering a tiny paper cut on your finger that you’d forgotten about.
Go gym
It sucks big time for a while, there’s no set time for how long. What I can tell you is once some of that fog has cleared and you can focus on yourself, you can learn to fall in love with yourself again. At least for me, I realized I had my positive emotions tied so much into my old relationship that I didn’t know how to cope without that relationship there. We definitely had some co-depency issues that were extremely unhealthy, and without all that to distract me, I could finally start working on myself and figuring out who I am. What I want and don’t want. It’s a long road but if you can focus on self care and improvement, it will make things much easier and more fulfilling in the long run.
