I’m an ex incel myself, but I’ve been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. “I’m not attractive enough”, “I don’t socialize correctly”, “I’ll never find a woman” - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I’m now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what’s your story?

  • aldalire@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    1922·
    6 months ago

    Taking martial arts classes (specifically for me, Brazilian jiu jitsu). Coincidentally i met my current girlfriend there, but you shouldn’t expect to meet women there. Rather, it’s a way to stop thinking about women for two hours. I realized that back then my mind was constantly thinking non-stop if i’m attractive to women, what women like, how i can get one, etc. It’s those thought loops that make interaction so painful.

    Literally anything that can get your mind off of women. Hot take; I wouldn’t advise going to a gym though, because still then you’re thinking about how to become more attractive by becoming fit. The goal is to work out to take your mind off things. Martial arts is perfect for this: you physically work out, and your mind is focused on your opponent.

    • andyburke@fedia.io
      93·
      6 months ago

      Yo, just want to say: good on you and good advice. I think you nail the problem with the constant thoughts thing, and that also explains why so many people will talk about how they met someone after they “stopped looking”.

      • RedditWanderer@lemmy.world
        40·
        6 months ago

        The bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it; instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters, the bird will land while you are not looking.

        -cgp grey

    • Nachorella@lemmy.sdf.org
      20·
      6 months ago

      I’ve never been an incel but I’ve always sympathised because I feel like I easily could have become one. Seeing a therapist and learning the basics of Cognitive Bias Therapy is what I attribute to helping me out of a lot of those ‘thought loops’.

      It’s nice hearing stories about people who’ve escaped it.

    • unn@lemmy.ca
      230·
      6 months ago

      You should strength your muscles before doing martial arts anyway

      • GBU_28@lemm.eeEnglish
        331·
        6 months ago

        You do not need to pre train to join a martial arts gym as a rookie/white belt

          • SlippiHUD@lemmy.worldEnglish
            28·
            6 months ago

            Your muscles can get hurt working out too, you just gotta learn to preform in your own capabilities, or you were hurt by an asshole.

          • workerONE@lemmy.world
            17·
            6 months ago

            Probably went too hard too soon, and you didn’t have time to get used to the activity- it takes months for your body to get significantly stronger. I tore my bicep tendon, I believe I just wasn’t ready for the level of exertion. Similarly I would recommend warming up each session and starting with low effort / low exertion movements.

          • GBU_28@lemm.eeEnglish
            9·
            6 months ago

            What’s wrong with your muscles hurting?

            Or do you.mean an actual injury…

            When I trained TKD I would still get DOMS from intense training, even as a black belt. Obviously faster recovery than when I was a rookie, but muscles “hurting” is ok