Please just read without judging me, I’m up to conversation as long as you don’t tell “you can do it!” Or “man up bitch” I don’t need that type of dialogue, I’ve been beaten enough, even by my own family.
35 M.
My depression and loneliness had fucked me over enough last year and since I quit my abusive job (underpaid, boss screaming at job, no benefits, hated everyone, shit conditions) things aren’t getting better. The fact I can’t get a job even at a fast food sucks (some of you Americans complain about having that job, you’re LUCKY to have that)… Job apps don’t work or always ask for experience, I can’t even get an Amazon warehouse job (I’ve seen people that can’t even talk the language here well getting that job, so I guess I’m cursed). Nobody calls and no, you can’t just knock random doors of warehouses expecting to give you a job, even worse if you’re an immigrant.
My mother has enough of me living with them and I can’t blame her I’m old ass virgin dude that will never get married but seems that everything is against me and I’ll never move out. The world decided to just fuck me over again and again. The fact I can’t get a job is killing me. I don’t have money for studies and this country doesn’t offer trade jobs education for people like me I’ve never been a good student anyways, I need the money NOW. Shit, I controlled this shitty town web page and hasn’t been updated in a year. The job help is a joke for anyone like me. The only reason I’m not sleeping under a bridge is because of my mother.
Sometimes I google painless ways to die.
My father sometimes calls me saying I should go back to him in our home country, leave Europe, but for what? He lives in a shitty place, he’s unemployed too and barely eats despite being 10x more of a man that i am… That would be a death sentence for someone like me. I have no escape anywhere.
Sorry if this post bothers you in any way, but I needed this. I have zero human contact with anyone besides my family.
You’re depressed. Depression will lie to you. It will put a negative spin on everything. I’ll bet you can see when the Depression is at work. It’ll take something nice or just neutral and make it look worthless. Opportunities become traps. Achievements seem insignificant. People appear to be enemies. When you think, “I can’t” or “this sucks” that’s the Depression. It wants you to think that, to feel that.
It’s the Depression that is actively trying to sabotage you and make you think you can’t overcome it.
There are ways to get back at it. The Depression has weaknesses. You don’t have to take it on head first. Just probe those weak spots. Starve it. Loosen its grip just a little here and there and it might slip.
Get outside. The Depression loves to have you in your mother’s house. It’s strong there. You can’t move out, yet, but you can step out. Go for a walk. A long walk. Every day that you can. No direction or goal, walk away from it for as long as you can. Keep moving. You’ll have to come back to the house but the time you’re away will strengthen you and weaken the Depression.
Be around people. The Depression is trying to isolate you, make you dependent on It. You don’t have to be particularly social. You don’t even need to talk to people. Wander around busy places during the day. Any place with more than just your mother and the Depression. It is weak among other people. You don’t have to force engagement with people. Just an occasional smile or nod if someone catches your eye. Even minor interactions are barbs in Depression’s eye.
Eat something healthy. It doesn’t have to be all organic or some fad diet. Eat simple cheap real foods. Depression loves junk food. It wants you to eat like shit because it will make you feel like shit. Crappy food helps it slow you down and make you vulnerable. Alcohol is one of its weapons. Sugar/carbs and fast food, too. You don’t have to give them up entirely. Just be aware that when you indulge you’re not feeding yourself, you’re feeding the Depression.
Start a routine. Keep it simple, whatever you can manage. Depression is trying to spin you around and keep you off balance. A routine can stabilize you and frustrate the Depression. Walk at a certain time. Brush your teeth at a certain time. Go to bed at certain time. The exact minute doesn’t matter. Any repeatable sequence of events. Wake up, brush teeth, step outside. You don’t even have to go anywhere, at first. Start simple and build when you’re ready.
None of the bigger issues are your problem. Not what kind of man you are or whether you have a job, not how old you are. Those things don’t matter to people who aren’t under the thumb of Depression.
The reality is that none of us are completely in control of our thoughts and feelings. There’s lots of different ways we are influenced internally and externally. Right now, how you feel and what you think is being manipulated by the Depression. And, the Depression wants you to feel bad about everything. You’ll only feel better when you’ve loosened it’s grip.
Thank you for writing this.
Did you write this?? As someone who feels the grip, this really speaks to me.
Yeah, I did. I’ve been there , am there to various degrees at different times. Sometimes it’s easier to tell someone else what needs to be heard than to live it.
I’d add “start working out”. Depression is helped by a weak body. Walk, yes, but maybe elevate that to running after a while. Or cycling. Or lifting. (Hell, when you go for your walk, carrying something heavy in a bag with one arm. Start with your weak arm and walk as far as you can before that arm tires out. Then switch to your strong arm and walk back home.)
Depression isn’t a mental state. It’s a physical condition that shows itself through your mental state. And it can be fought.