On December 24th, 2008 I was almost 21 and drinking wine at my Grandma’s house with my family. We were having a good time. I don’t really talk to that side of the family anymore though. I got a phone call from my best friend, Kyle. I joking let my uncle answer. Kyle asked to talk to me. He sounded angry.
The next few words he said were like a a fucking nuclear bomb that seared my fucking brain for life. He said, “NineMileTower, Steve died (in Iraq). A bridge gave out, his hummer flipped, and he drowned.”
That was in 2008. I’m 37 now. I have two beautiful girls and an amazing wife. I think of Steve all the time. I ask myself, “Why do I deserve these amazing kids, wife and life, and he had to die?”
I fucking hate Christmas. I hate the stupid music. I hate fake bullshit decorations. I hate that I’m supposed to pretend that every Christmas it doesn’t fucking kill me that he isn’t here. I’m here enjoying my kids and their holiday and he’s dead.
I fucking hate Christmas.
I call bs in the “you’re not allowed to be emotional” you can repeat that all the times you want, but as a man, ESPECIALLY as a family man, you can’t be emotional. You’re the rock of the family and society stomps on weak men.
“Who cares what society thinks!” Unless you live in the woods or middle of nowhere you should care, the way people treat you and “use you” depends of how strong you look. That affects even the way they look at your family.
As a family man, I say fuck that toxic masculinity bullshit. We can improve our society. I’m not going to teach my kid emotions are bad. Sure, there are times to keep them in check, but it’s really unhealthy to just ignore your feelings.
Having the courage to talk about your own feelings is a sign of strength. Letting others control your life is weak.
I have definitely regretted talking openly about my feelings with a partner. It damaged the relationship because she was frustrated and not very understanding.
I don’ thind it matters who you talk to. I think that if noone in your life wants to listen or talk about how you feel, then you should get some new people in your life who will.
You can’t get a new family
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