This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-12-27 05:02:11+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra-vacay
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA For canceling on our family cruise?
Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: drug use, favoritism, mentions of depression, emotional abuse and manipulation
Original Post: November 28, 2024
So, my parents wanted to do a cruise for the holidays. They invited me (25f), my boyfriend (27M), my brother (28M), and his girlfriend (26F).
My brother (let’s call him “James”) has always been the golden child. Some backstory:
Back in high school, when James was discovered to be selling pills, he was just “going through a phase”. Meanwhile, when I got caught smoking weed, my parents threatened to kick me out.
James lost his scholarship and dropped out of college 3 different times, but he’s still perfect! I graduated a semester late and I didn’t try hard enough.
James still lives in the state where he attending college, and I live in my home state near my parents. He doesn’t work, he’s not currently in school. My parents buy him flights all the time to come visit, but don’t buy me a flight to go see him or go anywhere else.
My parents send him money for rent and life necessities. He bought a $2,000 dog recently with that money.
When I got my first big job at age 22, my parents immediately kicked me off their insurance since I had the option of benefits. James was on their insurance until he turned 26.
Last year, I got laid off and moved back in with my parents to save money. When I got my new job, my parents told me I needed to pay $10,000 in “back rent” which was never discussed previously. (I did finish paying it off and recently moved in with my boyfriend!)
This has been a pattern my WHOLE life. James gets everything handed to him and I have to work my ass off. So, now to the cruise.
My parents said they wanted to do this, and bought tickets for themselves, James, and his girlfriend. They told me to get my own ticket since I have a well-paying job. I was super upset, and told them it wasn’t fair that I was the only one who had to buy their own ticket. (My boyfriend couldn’t come due to holiday plans with his own family).
My parents said I was acting spoiled and that “green wasn’t a good look on me”. I am so tired of hearing that phrase at this point. They said it’s not like I had to get a nice room since we’d be outside it the majority of the time anyway—which is true, but then why get James a nice room?
I decided I had enough and I wasn’t going. But here’s where I may be the asshole. I let them continue thinking I was for months. Then, on the night before they left they said to get to their house by 8 am so we could start the drive to the port.
At 8:30 that day, they start messaging me asking where I am. I texted them “since you didn’t want to put the effort in to have me join you, I will be attending my boyfriend’s Thanksgiving instead. Have a nice trip with your favorite child.” Then I muted the chat.
I talked to some friends about this, and some said it was petty of me to cancel with no warning, and others said I should’ve sucked it up and gone since I would’ve had fun when I got there.
They’ve been on the cruise for a couple days now, and I’m starting to regret how I handled things. Yeah, I probably would’ve had fun, and it’s not like I couldn’t afford the ticket. I also could’ve handled the delivery better. But at the same time, I’m so sick of them treating me like this.
So, AITA for cancelling on our family vacation?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Wait, did I read it correctly that they charged you $10k back rent, which had NEVER been discussed prior, and you PAID it?! NTA, but I would have gone low contact with them and definitely not even contemplated going on a trip with them. Save that for people that enjoy you OP.
Commenter 2: That’s when OP should have gone low/no contact. OP needs to make sure that they are never in a position to rely on their parents again. They obviously care significantly less than their golden child.
I can’t wait until they are elderly and wondering why their golden child doesn’t really help them and OP hasn’t contacted them in years. It’s going to be rough on them at that point.
Commenter 3: It was definitely petty, but honestly, why would you want to spend more time with family that treats you like that? I understand them paying things to your brother since he can’t afford and it’s their money, but to imply that you’re jealous when they’re clearly favoring your brother all that time?!
They still went to the cruise, so I don’t think it was a big deal. I’d go low to no contact with them, since they seem to be indifferent to your presence, and it would save you a lot of trouble too.
Commenter 4: they bought tickets for james AND his girlfriend ?
They even like his girlfriend more than you ?
Hmmmm… NTA…if you’re to be the black sheep anyway, give them a proper reason.
Update #1: December 2, 2024 (four days later)
(Apologies in advance because this will be a long post). First off, hi everyone! Sorry for posting and then dropping off the face of the Earth haha. I wrote the original post at work during my break and then as soon as the day ended my boyfriend and I headed up to the cabins his family rented for the holidays.
I wanted to be fully present with them so I didn’t actually have a chance to check this until today and I can’t believe how many people chimed in! I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their thoughts, even though I wasn’t able to get through all of them.
I tried reading some comments but got overwhelmed by the sheer amount there was and gave up after scrolling for 20 minutes. So, instead of responding to people individually I will try to address some common things I saw in the comments. If there’s anything I missed addressing, let me know and I will try my best to provide an answer!
Skip ahead like 10 paragraphs if you want to get straight to the update, I am prone to yap a good bit.
Obviously, I’ll start with the 10K in back rent. To me, the number itself wasn’t the issue—I mean, yeah it is definitely a bit higher than I would’ve liked, but not completely unreasonable. For the amount of time I lived there it’s not like I would’ve been able to rent my own place at a cheaper price, and if I hadn’t moved in with them I would’ve completely depleted my savings and probably gone into debt.
While I was laid off and looking for a new job in my field, I had a serving job and did some freelance writing work as well, so I was contributing to groceries but not paying rent or utilities. Because of that, I understood why my parents wanted help once I was in a position to do so. I just wished they had defined that expectation from the beginning instead of springing it on me as a surprise.
I paid it because I know it was an inconvenience for my parents to have me stay so long (especially during some home renovations) and it didn’t feel worth the pushback if I refused. I know it would’ve turned into a whole big issue and it just felt easier to pay the money. Yes, I probably have some pushover tendencies that I need to address. Luckily, I’m in a well-paying field (I’m a technical writer) so once I got my new position, I was able to pay my parents back in about 6 months while also saving up to move out.
The timeline for anyone curious is: I was laid off in January of last year. I used my savings to pay rent until my lease was up in June, and then I moved in with my parents. I lived with my parents from June of last year till September of this year, when I moved in with my boyfriend. I got my current job in May, which is when my parents told me that they wanted back rent and rent moving forward until I moved out (they said it was to help motivate me to get back on my feet). So not ALL of it was back rent technically, but I just used that term to try and be more concise. By the time I moved out, the total amount I owed had added up to the 10K, and I had already paid off most of it.
I also saw a couple comments about pursuing legal action against my parents, but I don’t think that’s worth it or even possible. We never had a written contract and I didn’t argue against paying it. I didn’t want them to be able to hold that over me. Going through any legal issue would just dredge the whole thing up again and I’d rather not do that. It’s paid now, so at least it’s over with.
In the future, I know I should probably be less willing to give into their demands. It’s just difficult when things have been this way my whole life and my experiences have shown me that any refusal paints me as ungrateful in their eyes. I try so hard to be perfect because I just want them to treat me with the same care and support as they do with James.
The worst part is, James and I were super close growing up. When we were kids, we hung out all the time. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike. He stood up for me when I was getting bullied. I don’t think he’s a bad person at all, he just never learned to stand on his own two feet. Our relationship is strained now because he doesn’t get why I have issues w…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1hn7g4j/aita_for_canceling_on_our_family_cruise/
Her parents sound like my dad. My god she treated my sister so much worse than me. When I confronted him about it all he said was she needed it. Like bruh.