This is going to sound real dumb, but my PC that I just spent a lot of money building breaking before I could even play a single game.

I don’t get very frustrated or sad at things breaking, it is what it is, I’ve built PCs before, there’s always something going wrong and I handle and repair things in my other hobbies. I drive an old car and an oldish motorcycle and sometimes people disappoint you and sometimes you get two flat tires in a week and it’s bad but it’s gonna be OK and I can power through. Something about this one really depressed me so much so that I spend basically in bed all day yesterday. I was so goddamn sad that it’s stupid, but I also spend around two and a half grand on a thing that should have been an easy build and it doesn’t even boot now. I’ve more or less made peace with it now, I just have to RMA some parts, but holy moly that broke my heart in the dumbest way possible.

I think I handled the last two deaths/funerals than this. I gotta talk to a pro about this, because this isn’t normal. There’s something wonky going on there that I need a brain mechanic to scrape loose.

Being medically disqualified for flight. I worked towards the goal of being a military aviator for over a decade, only to find out that my objective depth perception wasn’t good enough. I almost went blind on two occasions before then, was one of the first in the country to get a new kind of corrective surgery to get to perfect vision, and never had issues with depth perception (could accurately determine distance out to about 6 miles, +/- about 50 yards, verified on radar). All of that, only to find out that because of the first event that almost blinded me as a child, my brain didn’t develop objective depth perception the way it should have. The test where you’re given a page and told to pick which circle pops out looks the same to me.

I honestly don’t know if I would change anything that I did had I known sooner, because I did still get some positives from my time in the military (along with plenty of health issues), but it definitely would have given me pause.

• Being a school kid in class, all of us watching TV to see the first teacher go to space and seeing instead her death as the Space Shuttle challenger exploded.
• Being from Massachusetts, watching the Red Sox world series with my Grandfather in 1986 and seeing the ball go through Bill Buckner’s legs.
• Not making the high-school basketball team as a freshman because I was too short. When I graduated I was 6 feet 2 inches.

When I was a kid, I was in band class. We were having an end of the year big concert and my parents were coming for once. I was first chair and had a fun part in one of our songs so I was really excited to get to play for them for once.

Because of my excitement and my being just a kid, I was bouncing around and the neck strap for my saxophone broke. I played tenor and there was no way my little hands could hold that thing up for a whole concert, so I was pretty much booted from the concert last minute. It broke my damn heart. Even thinking about it now makes me teary. All that hope just quashed because of some dumb mistake.

Good news is that the band director did me a solid and let me walk out with my case to rest my sax on beside my chair, but the damage had already been done.

The death of Anthony Bourdain shook me hard. I found him to be a very inspiring figure.

Watching my child cut themselves repeatedly for years because of undisclosed abuse from the man I was once married to.

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I am probably overstating this a bit, and I am sure other stuff has hurt more at points, but I am still pretty upset about the Star Wars sequel trilogy. I had been waiting for them essentially since I was a kid in the early 90’s, and I am annoyed that I allow them so much headspace. But it kind of ruined a lot of what should be an exciting time period for the franchise. They could have kept the same cast for TFA in the same roles more or less and just not done stupid/lazy/cynical/reductive movie and it would have been so much better.

JJ starting out by essentially wiping the table and trying to redo the OT basically fucked everything from the start. I am finding myself less and less interested in the current stuff as it tries to find a way to set that garage up and relatively explain it. I didn’t take like the paperwork when they came out, and to be honest they are still kind of objectively bad, but they were additive and they felt like Star Wars, the new stuff is just lazy crap.

Having to leave my job as a caseworker for adults with severe mental illness. I would go to various Residential Care Facilities in my region, working on a specialized team for a very large mental health provider (one of the biggest).

Working thru the pandemic was hell, and the healthcare system has remained so much more strained than I’ve ever seen it… My employer merged with another provider, absorbed financial issues, and started deterioratong as a company. Authentic leadership was gutted, management turned toxic, we were over-worked and exploited, and the HR/leadership were literally abusive. I dodged covid for a couple years with religious N95 use, but it eventually got me…

Not exaggerating at all… in one day, visiting 3 RCFs in 2 different towns, I was exposed to a flu outbreak at one facility, covid at the next, and then finally an RSV outbreak at the ALF I visited last… That almost did me in. I feel almost recovered from most of the long-covid symptoms. Or at least they’re more mild and easier to cope with.

But having to leave that job was so difficult… To have some people I’d worked with for years that are bonded to me, and that I genuinely care about was so hard… these people counted on me, and I felt like I was abandoning them.

I’ve also always tried to cultivate my self-identity and professional role to be helping others due to my own struggles with depression, and helping others has always selfishly helped my own self.

To lose not only all of these Clients who depended on me, but also my awesome team, the (good…) staff at various RCFs, all the public administrators throughout the state that act as court-appointed guardians for so many of my former Clients… I didn’t just have to leave my job, but I lost all these relationships, consistent social interactions, and largely my sense of purpose (to help others) and role-identity (as a mental health professional).

It’s been a big identity crisis on top of social crisis, on top physical health crisis. It’s been the roughest period of my life, and while I know I’m close to rebuilding, I have such a pit of loss that needs to be filled, and eats at me. But regaining my physical health and lessening long-covid symptoms has been encouraging, and I know I’m close to being able to rebuild my role-identity and regain my sense of purpose. But it’s been difficult going from self-actualization to being thrust into multiple identity crises.

One thing that has always given me strength and encouragement is remembering what an old professor drilled into us: "You can’t have personal growth without struggle; without hardship." It’s the hard things, the shit in life we have to fight thru, that preservence is what makes us a stronger, more capable person. I know coming out on the other side, I will be stronger, better-suited for future life challenges. I’ve gained experience and insight that will make more more equip to recognize the signs that I should’ve acknowledged before I got so overworked.

We can’t grow as a person without struggling. Look at the difference between someone sheltered from the real world thrust into it as an adult, vs someone who had to face more of life’s challenges earlier on. Anyway, this is already too long and I’ve probably overmedicated myself with my Volcano and this African Blueberry kush…

When after investing time on try learning something I realize that i am still inadequate and below standards. So the heartbreak to be less that a functional human.

Sounds really silly, but: My team not winning the league last season. On the last match day. We just had to win one game. But we played 2:2. In the end, it was 71 points for both teams. But Bayern had the better goal difference (+54 vs. +39 for us).

That one stung for a few weeks. Not because Bayern won the league (we are used to that), but because of the way we didn’t win. Would’ve been the first time for us to win the league since 2012.

There might but other things. But this was the first thing that came to my mind, because it was very recent.

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Years ago before I practice good backup strategies, I lost access to a lastpass account that had a few accounts that arent important now but at the time felt as if the world ended. I did manage to regain access to them since I had my email credentials written down but damn backups are important

As a fan of the Atlanta Falcons, Super Bowl LI.

Other than that, it would’ve been my marching band experience my senior year of high school. We had our worst competition performances that year and there was no band trip like in previous years. Not a great way to go out.

The day I found out they no longer make or sell Big Ed’s Super Saucers. I miss those fuckin’ things so much… 😭