my bf alex (21m) always expects me (22m) to watch his movies, and his videos. and i do, and i watch all the tiktoks and instagram reels he sends me. but when i send him something, he doesn’t look at it and says “he’ll do it later” but doesn’t.

he also doesn’t like my interests at all and doesn’t want to do things with me, but wants me to do his interests like playing fortnite. i do not like fortnite at all.

  • ryanvgates@infosec.pubEnglish
    8·
    3 days ago

    I would start with telling him how you feel and seeing how he reacts. Part of a healthy relationship is having things you do together and separate. I wouldn’t play fortnite if you don’t like it or at least not everytime. That might help him understand the feeling.

    How long have you been together? Also early 20’s is definitely a time were people are still discovering who they are. It can be a self focused time too before adult responsibility sets in.

    • Scratch@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      5·
      3 days ago

      Agree with having a conversation about it, but framing is important.

      If you open with something like; “You don’t care about my interests.”

      That can be viewed as an accusation, meaning bf can go defensive and button up. Essentially ending the conversation. (Except for the escalation, shouting and crying)

      If, instead, you open with a more broad; “I want to talk about our shared interests.” Or “how we spend time together.” It’s much less inflammatory, I think.

      Focus on how you feel, don’t say; “You don’t respect me or my interests.” Instead, point to a specific example and describe how that makes you feel; “I’ve said before that I don’t enjoy Fortnite, so when you invited me to play last week, it made me feel like my wants are not being heard, and I don’t feel listened to or respected.”

      This framing points the conversation at you and your hurt, instead of at your BF and their fuck ups. Typically, a partner never intends to harm, so spotlighting the harm without room for them to feel like you’re accusing them of doing intentionally only really leaves space to address the harm.

      Don’t be afraid to step away from a conversation if it gets heated. Reaffirm that you love and care about them and you want to get to a place where you have a shared interest you can enjoy together. Then take a break, grab a drink and let thoughts settle and form.

  • besselj@lemmy.caEnglish
    5·
    3 days ago

    Communicate with them about it and establish a mutual understanding that not all interests need to be shared. If it feels inequitable, then tell them so and try to find a compromise. Sometimes it’s good to establish a time/space for both people to enjoy their own hobbies.

  • P00ptart@lemmy.worldEnglish
    3·
    2 days ago

    I had the opposite thing happen. I dated a girl who was cute and fun and quirky. But as time went on, she took more and more interest in my stuff. I thought it was cool, that she wanted to spend time with me and share interests, but as time went on it started feeling creepy. She started becoming me. Hanging out with my girl friends without me, started having inside jokes with my guy friends, like when have you spent enough time with them to get that close? (she was cool with me having friends of the opposite sex, if she wasn’t, we never would have dated)

    Eventually It got weirder, I don’t have enough time to type it all up at the moment as I’m about to head into work, but the point is that you either both need to be equal takers and sharers of interests, or accept that you’re different people with different interests and just like the person and not their interests. When it’s one sided, someone’s soul is getting consumed by the other. If anyone wants more of the story, I’ll see if I can add more detail throughout the night.

      • P00ptart@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        9 hours ago

        Well, we had a kid together before this was clear to me. Fuckin whoops. He’s absolutely great, my favorite person on earth. But things started getting weird when she’d get invited to things I wasn’t, from my circle of friends. Mind you, she had 3-4 of her own friends, why was she hanging out with mine? And yeah, my circle was huge back then, but it still was odd. I still wasn’t getting mad about it or anything. Never have been. I let people make their own decisions when it comes to things like that. Well, if they’d rather hang with her then whatever, Ill watch our son and Deadpool. (He was an infant, no need to call CPS).

        But anyways, she picked up all the same hobbies I had and even joined a dart league, was all in on it too. Bought several expensive sets of darts, and even got a couple of dart shirts, like uniform type stuff(yes… They exist lol) Even I never would have bought a dart shirt. That’s silly and hardcore for a bar game. They’re extra thin and allow for lots of arm movement. I always just wore my regular shirts which were just athletic shirts or golf polos mostly. So to me, that was extreme.

        She started dressing less like a stoner/nerd/alt and more like a stoner/athlete like me, just … Without the will to stay in shape. She more or less quit listening to alternative, and got more into heavier music, like me. And yes, some of this is natural just by being in close proximity with another person like picking up on someone’s lingo, words that they use, etc. and some of it was with my encouragement, like becoming political. But she went from no politics at all to my “left leaning centrism” at the time. This was ~2015 and I was getting pushed further and further left. She picked it up, and we both voted for Gary Johnson that year. I’ve also been questioning religion since I was like 6-7, and was fully convinced that God doesn’t exist by 13 after spending more than a year reading the Bible. She however went to church every weekend with her grandparents until she got kicked out for having short hair and a girlfriend.

        And none of this was really clear until one night I ran into her ex at a bar after we had broken up. I was with my friends and he was drinking alone but I recognized him from her FB pics and went over to chat with him and he opened my eyes to it. He had known her since high school and dated her in college and apparently he was the one that got her into smoking pot, alternative music, video games etc. he said something true that I never noticed before. She’s got no personality on her own, she takes it from whoever she’s with at the time. He said “shes like water, she takes the form of whatever vessel she’s poured into.” And it made me think. I had already noticed this stuff, I just didn’t put it all together. And obviously that’s not the worst thing in the world.

        However, she started dating again within a few months of us breaking up. She started dating this super religious dude, and I started becoming concerned. Of course she immediately went back on the no God thing, and “became religious” again. Luckily he’s a great dude, but she gained a ton of weight, (he’s a… Fluffy guy.), became a “small town gal” and started dressing like a bumpkin. I was just glad he wasn’t a white supremacist or kiddy diddler given the prior information. However it was weird watching her transform so quickly right in front of me.

        I want to point out that she’s not a bad person or anything. She’s actually got a good heart. That doesn’t mean that a good person can’t creep you out. And so, although this doesn’t fit well with your situation, maybe the consequences or… Results of a lopsided interest investment can give you another perspective.

        There was a bit of stream of consciousness going on there, so if I skipped important details, or wasn’t clear, feel free to ask any questions. Honestly she’s the closest I’ve ever come to seeing what I understand to be a succubus in a way. But if that’s what a succubus is, it’s really not that bad, just… Strange to me. For me, if I’m going to change at all, it’s going to come from within. There is no other way for me.

        Edit: it was also a little unnerving to realize that the girl I liked in the beginning, was basically this other dude that I hadn’t met at the time, only with different genetics.

    • виктор, он (viktor, he/him)@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
      2·
      3 days ago

      thanks, it’s okay. nowadays he doesn’t even send tiktoks and i do, he just reads them but doesn’t respond or says “awesome”.

      idk, maybe he liked me better as a girl since i’m ftm but i am who i am.

      • forrgott@lemmy.sdf.orgEnglish
        3·
        3 days ago

        Ah, yeah, that might affect the landscape a bit!

        Sorry to hear, though, it does sound like he’s dissociating from you. Possibly unintentionally?

        But anyway, I wish you luck. Most important issue is communication. Always is, but unfortunately lots of couples underestimate the importance. I hope you two can communicate honestly; and hope that helps you find a positive outcome for you both!