i’m m45. My current wife and i decided to separate a few weeks ago - we have simply drifted apart, no hard feelings, it can happen over 15 years which weren’t easy because of illness. We currently still share the home and will probably over the next few months - She said she could never make me leave the flat until i have a safe and stable home for myself.
Me and my siblings relationship has been devastated by the alcoholism of my dad and the uncaringness of my mom, grandparents are dead except the worst of the 4, a venom-spitting vindictive bitch; my aunts - well one is a nazi, the other one tramples over your personal borders even if told not to, so i’m NC with both. My first friend circle in my 20s was consumed by drugs, the second by separation from my ex, and that will probably happen now again.
I have AVPD (Avoidant/self-insecure personality disorder, meaning i have low self esteem, low tolerance for making mistakes, a lot of fear to do new things, and cope by avoiding both) and social anxiety (which is much better now than a few years ago thanks to a lot of therapy, which also helped with my depression, but it’s not gone)
So, i fear to become completely alone now, for the first time in my life. I’m on disability, so at least i have a stable if low income, and 2 times a week i am in a center for group therapy settings, which means i will at least talk to someone once in a while, but i fear that i might become a crazy cat man.
Boardgame groups are great for low-stress social interactions. You don’t need to be good at anything. And when the social aspect becomes too much, you can focus on the game for a bit. The people you meet are also likely to be tolerant and understanding towards any social issues you have, as you are likely not the only one with a label.
My therapy center has a board game group which i have avoided for now - maybe it’s time to take a closer look at it. Thanks!
Nothing wrong with crazy cat guy if you’re happy that way 😀. Glad to hear you’ve therapy.
You sound like a chill guy who loves a cozy evening? Maybe find hobbies that fit that, like drawing or music classes? These are sometimes one-on-one with a teacher, or can be in small groups.
My library has a reading corner and a small cafe. I find it’s a fun way to people watch on sunday morning. And have a small conversation once in a while when I see others reading things I’m also interested in.
The general theme of my advise, I would say, is to try out low pressure ways to mingle in a setting that’s fun to you.
I’m very bad at the “new hobbies”-thing because of my avoidance issues - i’ve tried to overcome my fears, but i’ve failed miserably. I’ve got materials for so many things to try, but i never do, because of my fear of failure. This even extends into my gaming hobby - i start over and over in games, because i am never happy with the outcome, and i’ve dropped MOBAs and everything competitive because i wasn’t able to stop criticizing myself.
I DO read a lot tho, so the tip with reading in the library is something i might be able to pull off, thanks!
I have no experience with your disorder so this may be poor advice, but in regards to the video games, a few I can think of that might be forgiving are some of my favorite factory games. I recommend these because they all allow you to pretty much bulldoze and rebuild without penalty, except your time. It’s actually a pretty good way to play, to not get married to your beginner setup and to nuke+pave whole new sections when you realize you’ve set things up in a way you don’t like.
Shapez 1 and 2: literally zero resources or opposing forces in the game (that I’ve encountered). You’re just setting up little assembly lines to produce ever increasingly complicated shape patterns. Very chill, lots of fun.
Dyson Sphere Program: has a game mode with an opposing force now, was introduced in an update and I haven’t played with it much but I think you can disable it. I love this game, and there’s a bunch of great QoL mods. A few hours into the game you can pack up and zoom off to another planet and start a new base. As the game progresses you need to make new setups on many different planets.
Satisfactory: some combat but it’s all pretty weak sauce. Very hard to die in combat, even if you do you can just go get your corpse. Only time I died and it was a pain to recover was actually because I went too close to radiation before I knew that it would jack me up, so getting my corpse was tough. Don’t do that and you’ll be good.
Factorio: the game that started it all, at least for me. Has a peaceful mode without bad guys. Game is amazing, nickname is cracktorio because it’s so addictive if it hooks you. Giant map so if you don’t like your base you don’t have to start the game over, just move to another spot.
There’s no failure in these games. Rebuilding is part of the game - as your logistics get more and more complicated you realize you need to rebuild things to make new stuff fit better.
I’ve started factorio about 20 times, but i can’t handle the complexity after a while - it becomes too big in my head around the beginning of the oil cycle. :-/ I love the idea, but i am not tolerant enough to my own mistakes.
Maybe art history might be more up your alley? I know that that’s a class at the arts center I go to. Progressing through the ages, looking at and listening to the different styles, techniques and themes in art.
I found history always a bit too… dusty for my tastes, and it’s probably too many people for me - i don’t cope well with larger groups, because i can’t relax when there are multiple people and it’s even worse if i can’t keep everyone in view at once. But thanks for the suggestion!
Good luck dude! Perhaps your hobby can be trying out hobbies 😊
I have AvPD too. I think you’re doing the right things, you have a support network and you are capable of setting boundaries. It is scary to start out alone with this disorder. Dunno about you, but I’ve always felt like my head is an easier place to be when I have people to reassure me that I’m not doing something wrong or haven’t offended someone.
I have lived alone for almost ten years now, and sometimes that fear of loneliness and of becoming a crazy cat person rears is head for me, too. I have kind of embraced the hermit life though, because like you I have enough support in my life to feel some social fulfillment from the few interactions I have every week.
For people like us it’s really important to find low-stakes opportunities to connect with people especially as we’re not young adults anymore. Being a regular anywhere is a pretty good start, whether that’s regularly walking a park or being part of a book club
Yes, like you i need to be told that what i’m doing isn’t wrong or else my thought-carousel is devouring my soul :-/ Thanks :-) People like us are pretty rare, so i did not expect to see a response from someone who has the same disorder as i have. I’m happy that you commented :-)
It’s the first time in my life that i will live alone and without any friends out there - i’ve always lived either with roommates or with my long-term relationships, so maybe it’s for the best to be alone now. I know that i don’t cope well with others, but the intimate relationships i had were making up for that (until they didn’t anymore, but it took years to get to that point).
To be honest, a part of me is looking forward to being on my own. and the social service offerings in Vienna are pretty great for people with mental illness or in need of social contacts, so maybe my fears aren’t even rooted in reality.
I will for sure try to stay connected to the group therapy settings. Like i said before in my other response, i can also see me visiting the library once per week or so.
my thought-carousel is devouring my soul
Hah! That’s such an apt description! There’s a song with the lyrics “sick cycle carousel”, that I have used to describe the spiral to my therapist. I might have to steal your phrase now xD
There’s definitely some freedom to living alone, and it’s amazing that you live in a city that has resources. I know you’re worried, but everything you’ve said in this post makes me think you’ll do quite well with this new part of your life. I’m rooting for you :)
Do libraries in Vienna also hold workshops and such? My local has a makerspace, and every quarter they will hold workshops to teach people how to use a sewing machine or 3-D printer. If nothing else it’s really interesting to go and observe these events.
I’ve been afraid to even tell anyone in real life that I have the disorder, because people always think narcissistic or anti-social when they hear “personality disorder”. And, to be honest, I wasn’t very aware of cluster C myself until I was diagnosed. I’m glad it’s rare, because it’s a very difficult thing to yearn for deep connections and never feel worthy of them. Although, it is nice to know there are others who understand the fear-patterned thoughts
Anyway, you’ve got this! And feel free to reply here or dm if you need an internet stranger to cheer you on through something
Thank you for your kind words, this really gives me confidence that all might work out well.
Yes, Vienna is a great city - i’ve been born here and i love this city, i will never move away. The best public transport system in the world which only costs a buck per day if you take the 1-year-ticket, the air is great for a city with 2 million people, a lot of places where you can just sit down and relax on benches on the sidewalk, a pretty large forest with hiking routes around the town and lot’s of green in the city to keep it cool in the summer. There are multiple support groups with therapy offerings which are fully paid by the city, i’ve been going there for 4 years and it didn’t cost me a single dollar. That’s socialism for you lol
I don’t really know what our libraries offer. i’ve gonna have a look over the next few days.
I’m pretty open about my condition, so that everyone knows that when i leave suddenly, it’s not because of anything they did, i’ve just reached my limit.
We are pretty rarely diagnosed, since we do not seek help in most cases. There are probably more people like us out there than is known, since we suffer silently and don’t want to be a burden to anyone. A lot of them are probably wrongly diagnosed with “simple” social anxiety, but i can personally attest that it is possible to have BOTH at the same time. The AvPD was always here, but after i crashed hard with burnout i suddenly feared to answer the door and stuff like that. At least it seems that the older i get, the more i mellow out - i even can be nice to myself sometimes (my teens and 20s sucked big time tho)
Thank you so much! I will keep it in mind that you have an open ear for me if i need it, but you know how we are - i can’t promise that ;-) Take care of yourself!
