Hans Niemann was accused of cheating after he beat Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen last September.
This was a joke invented by r/anarchychess. I’d be amazed if it were real.
I remember when I first heard the rumours and I immediately thought of how sensitive one’s anal linings would be to perceive Morse code via a butt plug. Then pondered upon the max possible bandwidth of buttplug-mediated information transfer. Finally, I thought about how to send back information via rythmic anal clenching.
Only then did I conclude that it’s probably easier to get better at chess.
A YouTuber tested it and confirmed it’s not that difficult to detect messages. They didn’t use Morse code but rather a simplified set of signals for move notation
It’s in the ankles, right? I guess even if it’s a different part of the body than the inside of one’s butt (a sensitive part of the body), makes it plausible that it’s also possible for communication (perhaps one-way—towards the plug wearer).
I’m assuming the accomplice would then be watching through some camera feed, right? That makes it at least plausible since there’s no need for kegels (to send information the other way).
If it’s the same video I saw, it was the ankle guy. And yeah, when it comes to historical cases of chess cheating (almost always at a lower skill level) they’ll either use some form of chess computer that they sneak away to use, or have an accomplice and a one way method of communication.
Another thing to keep in mind is that often times players at this level don’t need to cheat every move, they just need to be given the correct move at an important moment and they’ll be good enough to understand why they are being told to do that.
Ah, yeah~ I actually wasn’t really into chess, but I was intrigued about how it might actually work in practice. Like, perhaps a code taken from chess notation, and then optimized to keep messages to a minimum. Such messages are then composed of bursts of vibration, some longer and less intense, and some short but intense. This is where my mind went to bandwidth, lol! How fast can you alternate “dots” and “dashes” such that they would still remain distinct from one another, and not be perceived as just one long buzz session?
they’ll either use some form of chess computer that they sneak away to use, or have an accomplice and a one way method of communication.
It’s the first case that I thought about when I first heard of this. Kinda like braille, but for butts. And then rather than use your fingers, you clench your butt. That way, one can operate a chess computer while seated in a tournament. At the end of it, I was like “that’s some serious kegel action!”
An accomplice sending the necessary hints/information would be more plausible, I think. And now that I’m thinking about it, electrical impulses (through the skin, like in the small of the back, another sensitive area) might do the trick as well, perhaps going full braille action this time.)
But yeah, I just enjoyed overthinking about something like this. No offense meant to anyone. I’m just like “maybe it’s stupid enough to work?”
I find that the overthinking can be fun, but the most common cheating method is to simply relay the position on the board that contains the piece to move.
For example, let’s say that the best move would be to move a pawn on b4 (same column as White’s left most bishop, in the 4th row) a signal would be transmitted of two short “signals”, a long pause, and then four more short “signals”. Thinking in Morse, this would be “…/…”.
This tells the cheater that the correct move is made by the piece in the second column, fourth row, and thats usually all a top level player will need. They can stop calculating any move that isn’t from that piece, and there’s usually one move that is clearly better from that pieces immediate moves. The difficult part is now finding which follow-up moves are the best and how to punish your opponent for not playing them (which they would have been doing anyways, just with many more possible start points)
This method has been used in the past with a device that will send a non-painful but noticeable electric shock to a player (usually on their thigh), and because these individuals got caught there are now methods in place at top level tournaments to try and prevent external cheating devices from entering the playing hall (ex/ they pat you down to try and feel something rigid on your leg).
Thats where the butt plug theory comes in; it could theoretically pass through a standard metal detector, a security guard isn’t going to check your prostate for cheating devices, and it can still theoretically be used to communicate via 0s and 1s.
My analysis didn’t really go deep (pun unintended) into the details of how the information might be encoded, but taking a cue from what you’d said, position can be encoded into six bits:
000;000would bea1(white king’s rook starting position, right?) andh8would be111;111b4would then be001;011. Perhaps we can save things into just three bits (there are just seven unique pieces in chess: pawn, rook, knight, white bishop, black bishop, queen, and king) if we just need to communicate which piece is to be moved. Maximally, the accomplice can communicate both the piece and the destination in nine bits, though following this discussion, it seems there’s not much need for it, and it’d introduce complexities that would hamper comprehension (like having to distinguish between the three cases so far: position of the piece to be moved, the piece to be moved, or the piece to be moved and the location of the destination).As for how to send information (as opposed to receiving), there’s only one signal that would be needed, if the accomplice is watching a live feed of the match: “Help!” which would be a continuous anal clench, or something fanciful as clenching
SOSto avoid any random anal clenching to be mistaken for a call for help.Now, as for a cheating device inside a butt plug not triggering a metal detector, I don’t know for certain, but I’ve got no reason to disbelieve you. If there’s someone that manages to pull it off though (the entire thing, sneaking in a device up their butt and using it to cheat at live chess competitions), I’d love to hear about the details.
Yeah, in terms of the other direction, the game would theoretically have an audience and livestream.
Yeah, that makes sense.
The thing is that the game was broadcast live. One-way communication was enough
We need an expert on this. You gotta go find the guy that designed that butt plug revolver with the clench activated trigger.
Wait, what?! That’s actually a thing now?!
Not really up to speed with butt-tech. Hahaha! There goes my search history!
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Best joke about that I saw was a video of Hans playing someone and looking confident up until a blunder or something. Then he realizes what happened and puts his face in his hands and closes his eyes.
The comment on the YouTube video was: “when the computer gives up and then switches to pleasure mode”
I play chess and I have a… a friend who uses a vibrator
So ofc it’s real, just not Hans
Yeah that’s what I meant. It’s not that it’s not real, but the origin of the meme was Hans saying something to the effect of “I’ll play Magnus naked to prove I’m not cheating” to which everyone responded that the anal beads technique would be how he did it. Of course the corollary of that is that there are numerous ways for him to cheat while fully clothed.
This is a joke from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Except that this happened before the episode came out.
Oh lol that makes sense. I only relate to the world through IASIP…
It was mentioned as joke by Eric from chessbrah during a stream, then it got clipped around went and full on viral when ol Musky shared it.
Wasn’t there a documentary about this with Danny Devito?
Yes. It was very informative. Highly recommend!
Legends has it that it was prophetic.
I read the title as “dies” instead of “denies”.
Should have gone with the WifiVibe Bullet, rather than the Hitachi XXXL AssBlaster Deluxe (with memory foam balls).
For those who haven’t seen it- even if you don’t have a background in data science or chess, this report is extremely damning. He’s an unapologetic, manipulative, pernicious cheater.
That’s 72 pages. Are there any highlights for interested non chess fanatics?
The basic measure is “accuracy”: the percentage of moves that are the best move for that position. Computers are, as you would expect, inhumanly good on this measure. Better than the best human players, who will have “inaccuracies” even in their best-played games. It makes spotting cheaters pretty reliable and easy. Niemann has been busted for cheating online repeatedly, and analysis of his in-person play bears the same hallmarks.
Thanks! That’s a great summary!
BBC article summarizing some of the suspicions and evidence or lack thereof.
The main part of the report is only 20 pages. And there are a lot of figures.
“Only”
I’m not convinced by that report. Their cheating detection method is inconclusive and if Hans had the ability to perform the “best” move in every circumstance due to cheating but didn’t, that to me points to it being less likely. There are a lot of statistics in that report that seem extremely circumstantial like the “plateaus” in strength rating. If he was really cheating in the tournaments, I think there would be a whole lot more evidence.
This is “a whole lot of evidence”. If he had, for example, a 10% chance to show up suspicious in any one of those charts that’s one thing. But to be highlighted as the most suspicious in each is extraordinary evidence. How do you explain a greater than 10% drop in skill when a 15 minute TV delay was put in place? Or his ability to make incredibly complex, perfect moves in seconds? Or his continual, nearly unstoppable strength rating growth, you know, except for the two natural plateaus in rating where most players never continue to grow firmly in the middle of his growth curve?
If that report doesn’t convince you, I doubt anything will.
If he always did what the engine tells him to do then the evidence would be overwhelming, yes. Hans is surely aware of this and avoids doing so because he wants to get away with it.
Uhhhmmm, I don’t want to be intrusive, but how exactly does one use small beads to cheat at chess? I’m trying to figure this out, …but I keep losing anyway.
Mike Boyd did a video on this a while back and was able to successfully beat a pro chess player using a vibrator on his ankle:
Imagine Nieman’s surprise once he discovered you were only supposed to put it on your ankle
Yeah. The whole comment section seems like it’s super obvious… but seriously… how does one cheat with anal vibrators?
It’s important to remember that he is certainly still very good at chess, even if he cheated in some games. He wouldn’t need to have every move given to him, it might even be enough to give him a single signal that there is a non-obvious great move in a current position. Even just knowing that would probably be enough for him to find it by himself.
That’s a good point. You wouldn’t need to send an entire move. If you simply sent a message indicating which piece is the best to move, the player probably can find the place to move that piece.
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This is mostly correct (standard chess notation is slightly more compact than what you described; a typical move looks like “Nf6”, meaning kNight to F6. Normally there will only ever be one piece of the appropriate type that can reach any particular square, so only destination coordinates are needed. If it’s necessary to say which piece, then you just give origin and destination, but omit the piece, since it’s implied by the origin, so moves are typically 3 characters, never more than 4).
As a form of cheating, the use of what are generally called “thumpers” has been around for a long time. In casinos you would have a confederate sitting at an angle where they can see the dealer’s hand, who would then signal to you what moves to make. In chess they would be watching the game, constantly plugging every move into a chess program like Stockfish, and then signalling what move the computer chooses. Your opponent is effectively playing the computer, not you.
Typical thumpers are a vibrating band that goes around a leg, or something hidden in the sole of a shoe. All you have to do is sit there and look thoughtful while you decode the message, which is most likely sent using Morse code. Where the sex toys come in is this wild theory concocted by the internet that a really good way to hide a thumper from any kind of frisking would be to use a Bluetooth controlled anal vibrator, since no one is likely to frisk you there. There’s no proof that it’s ever happened, but now it’s a huge meme that chess is basically stuck with forever.
And yes, time is still an issue. Good players can move a lot faster than the time it takes for all that back and forth communication. The strategy, if someone ever suspects they’re playing a cheater, is to play defensively and run out the clock.
(edited for clarity)
Didn’t you see the always sunny episode?
Morse code
Morgan continued: “To be clear, on the specific allegation - have you ever used anal beads while playing chess?”
The 20-year-old replied: "Well, your curiosity is a bit concerning, you know - maybe you’re personally interested, but I can tell you, no.
I don’t know about you but when I appear in a very serious interview and talk about the multimillion dollar damage an unfounded allegations has done to my career, I really want to make sure that I include some weird kink shaming right there in my defense. That will surely make me seem like a serious person that sponsors can trust.
I think it was rather commenting on the interviewer’s inappropriate intrusiveness into an intimate topic rather than kinkshaming. Understandable that Niemann got defensive there, IMO.
It’s literally the allegation.
How do you interview without asking about the allegation?
It’s the meme allegation, the real allegation is just cheating without any butt stuff.
What’s the point of cheating without butt stuff?
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He would respond professionally and be honest about how serious those rumors are. He sued several big organizations over that claim and should take it seriously rather than going “lol, why are you so interested in vibrators, do you like that sort of thing” to the interviewer when everyone in the room knows why the question is being asked.
and be honest about how serious those rumors are
The serious rumors were never about the anal beads thing, only about cheating.
They are the same rumor. I don’t think there is a single person that has heard he cheated but doesn’t know about the butt plugg.
They are the same rumor.
No they aren’t. The cheating rumor started with a cryptic tweet of the World Champion at the moment, Magnus Carlsen, just right after losing against Niemann and withdrawing from the tournament. The tweet didn’t say or insinuate anything about anal devices. The rumors increased when they played together a few days later and Carlsen resigned in move one, again without mentioning or insinuating anything about anal devices. And finally a couple of weeks later Carlsen explained why he thinks Niemann is cheating. You can count how many times he mentions buttplugs, anal beads or whatever. Yes, zero times.
These are the serious rumors. Serious as in if it were proven true, his career would end forever. Serious as, a large part of the chess community believe that they are true or at least contain some truth in them. Serious as in tournament organizers don’t send him invitations and affect his chess career in a negative way. Serious as in that still today, some players (for example Vladimir Kramnik) refuse to play against him.
The buttplug rumor started in a twitch chat as a joke, and was popularized in the satirical subreddit Anarchy Chess as a joke (believe me, I was part of the subreddit and created a couple of memes myself). It was just making an absurd situation even more absurd, nobody actually believed that he cheated via anal stimulation.
People making memes on the internet isn’t a serious rumor. Real life consequences is.
I don’t think there is a single person that has heard he cheated but doesn’t know about the butt plugg.
That doesn’t mean that the buttplug thing was a serious rumor.
Those aren’t serious at all though. You’re outraged by the way a random dude responds to a question about a vibrating buttplug. You are in need of touching some grass for a very extensive amount of time my friend.
Still the greatest story I’ve ever read. I’ll tell my grandchildren about this one day, and that’s when they will put me in a home.
Well seeing as chess.com has reinstated his account. We have no reason to not believe him
“Release the butt plug cut!”
The fact that’s a thing is hilarious.
Morgan continued: “To be clear, on the specific allegation - have you ever used anal beads while playing chess?”
Sounds like something the pilot in Airplane! would say to Timmy or whatever his name was.
But also that caption has great meme potential.
“Yes, but only for pleasure”
