People typically give these sorts of responses when either (a) they are tired or (b) they can sense that you aren’t actually interested in them.
You should understand that a and b are interrelated, as almost no one is ever too tired to express how they are feeling to someone they trust.
The trick here is not to keep asking questions, but to empathize:
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
^ this “neutral” response is actually a polite negative.
“Yeah, tell me about it - my job’s boring as shit. At least it’s almost lunch time…”
Note that this doesn’t always work, and the person may just keep giving “blah” responses. That’s fine. You tried to connect. You tried to be interested. Accept their non-interest and try again with the next person. You will get better at being interested and empathizing with practice, and your increased care for others will become more apparent to others, generating better responses.
I hear you and honestly, those answers are exactly what most people would say. You are being honost and, honestly, most people aren’t naturals at this. It’s a learned skill, not a personality trait.
That said, small talk isn’t really about coming up with something you find interesting. It’s more about stepping a little outside your own head and giving the other person something to work with. It’s giving them permission to show you which direction they want the conversation to go.
Think of small talk like a nudge that invites someone else to open a door. It’s not supposed to feel profound to you at first! The goal is to offering a tiny thread for them to tug on. Some people don’t and that’s fine. Some do! Maybe they relate to hating work, maybe they tell you how they unwind, maybe they joke back. You don’t know and that is where things can be fun!
Today, saw a guy walking down the hallway where I was working. He had a shirt with a movie I recognized on it. I said “I love that shirt bud! Great movie!” He said “Aww thanks! I got it a few weeks back and…”
He ended up stopping and we chatted for a moment about the director and other films.
Now, he could have just nodded and walked past. That is fine! It wasn’t about my satisfaction! But when he bit and replied, I made a friend out of a stranger.
The skill is in giving the other person a starting point and then being curious about where they take it. That takes practice, especially when it doesn’t come naturally. It will feel awkward at first and may even be painful, but that is the same with all learned skills. Sucking at something is just the first step towards being sort of good at something. The more you do it, the more you start to notice small sparks you wouldn’t have seen before.
It’s not about you being interesting, it’s about being curious about other people and their interests. And that’s a skill anyone can strengthen, one low-pressure exchange at a time.
I think my problem is I can’t really practice smalltalk. My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on. I go out a lot and do a bit of volunteer work every now and then, but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
That’s a reasonable problem to have, but I think it is more created by your limiting beliefs than anything else.
My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on
Beginning or end of the day? During lunch? Even if you shoot the shit with just one person every day, that’s one more than you seem to be doing right now.
but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
This is a symptom of being chronically online. Older people talk to younger people all the time. Hell, older people date younger people all the time. People like to talk to people, and if there are people around, its not weird to talk to them regardless of their age. As someone approaching my mid-thirties, one of my favorite ways to talk to college-aged kids is to lean into our age difference and just be like “so what are you kids these days all into?” And if you are worried about being a creep, you can lean into that, too “Hey, I hope I’m not just being a total creep right now, but I was kinda bored and wanted to see what you kids are up to.”
Finally, you can make small talk with literally anyone who comes into your proximity during the day. People waiting for the bus with you, people just chillin in the park, grocery store checkout clerks. For example, say you are checking out at the grocery store.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
I’m doing good. You?
^ this is the stock response that is just acknowledging you exist. Follow up with something that indicates that you actually give a shit.
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
“What have you been enjoying lately?”
Sleeping when I get home from work.
“Do you like slow days?”
No cause it means I have to work longer.
People typically give these sorts of responses when either (a) they are tired or (b) they can sense that you aren’t actually interested in them.
You should understand that a and b are interrelated, as almost no one is ever too tired to express how they are feeling to someone they trust.
The trick here is not to keep asking questions, but to empathize:
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
^ this “neutral” response is actually a polite negative.
“Yeah, tell me about it - my job’s boring as shit. At least it’s almost lunch time…”
Note that this doesn’t always work, and the person may just keep giving “blah” responses. That’s fine. You tried to connect. You tried to be interested. Accept their non-interest and try again with the next person. You will get better at being interested and empathizing with practice, and your increased care for others will become more apparent to others, generating better responses.
I hear you and honestly, those answers are exactly what most people would say. You are being honost and, honestly, most people aren’t naturals at this. It’s a learned skill, not a personality trait.
That said, small talk isn’t really about coming up with something you find interesting. It’s more about stepping a little outside your own head and giving the other person something to work with. It’s giving them permission to show you which direction they want the conversation to go.
Think of small talk like a nudge that invites someone else to open a door. It’s not supposed to feel profound to you at first! The goal is to offering a tiny thread for them to tug on. Some people don’t and that’s fine. Some do! Maybe they relate to hating work, maybe they tell you how they unwind, maybe they joke back. You don’t know and that is where things can be fun!
Today, saw a guy walking down the hallway where I was working. He had a shirt with a movie I recognized on it. I said “I love that shirt bud! Great movie!” He said “Aww thanks! I got it a few weeks back and…”
He ended up stopping and we chatted for a moment about the director and other films.
Now, he could have just nodded and walked past. That is fine! It wasn’t about my satisfaction! But when he bit and replied, I made a friend out of a stranger.
The skill is in giving the other person a starting point and then being curious about where they take it. That takes practice, especially when it doesn’t come naturally. It will feel awkward at first and may even be painful, but that is the same with all learned skills. Sucking at something is just the first step towards being sort of good at something. The more you do it, the more you start to notice small sparks you wouldn’t have seen before.
It’s not about you being interesting, it’s about being curious about other people and their interests. And that’s a skill anyone can strengthen, one low-pressure exchange at a time.
I think my problem is I can’t really practice smalltalk. My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on. I go out a lot and do a bit of volunteer work every now and then, but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
That’s a reasonable problem to have, but I think it is more created by your limiting beliefs than anything else.
Beginning or end of the day? During lunch? Even if you shoot the shit with just one person every day, that’s one more than you seem to be doing right now.
This is a symptom of being chronically online. Older people talk to younger people all the time. Hell, older people date younger people all the time. People like to talk to people, and if there are people around, its not weird to talk to them regardless of their age. As someone approaching my mid-thirties, one of my favorite ways to talk to college-aged kids is to lean into our age difference and just be like “so what are you kids these days all into?” And if you are worried about being a creep, you can lean into that, too “Hey, I hope I’m not just being a total creep right now, but I was kinda bored and wanted to see what you kids are up to.”
Finally, you can make small talk with literally anyone who comes into your proximity during the day. People waiting for the bus with you, people just chillin in the park, grocery store checkout clerks. For example, say you are checking out at the grocery store.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
^ this is the stock response that is just acknowledging you exist. Follow up with something that indicates that you actually give a shit.
“Day going good so far?”
etc