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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-12 05:04:22+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MajorPerception3519
Originally posted to r/AITAH
WIBTA if I ask my employee if she’s pregnant?
Trigger Warnings: mentions miscarriage
Mood Spoilers: ultimately happy
Original Post: May 3, 2025
I own a small cafe, and only have one employee. She was recommended by a frequent customer (her husband) when I posted the listing. I interviewed multiple people, and she was not only the nicest one but genuinely the best candidate.
She’d been a stay at home mom for 11 years for three kids and said that she felt it was more important for her to be there with them than working, and I cant and don’t fault her for that at all.
She shows up, she works, she does everything and more that I need her to do. I have zero complaints about her as an employee.
However over the last four months I’ve noticed some changes. Number 1, she is TINY. And when I say tiny, I mean that. This girl probably weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. And she’s never worn tight fitting shirts. But her shirts are starting to fit tighter ONLY in the stomach area. And it doesn’t take staring to notice.
Number two, she used to only take her food to go at the end of the day. Now she’ll ask me to cook it earlier (not an issue, she can ask whenever she wants) but she eats at least half of it immediately. She’s never done that before, even if she got it before she left.
Number three, her husband has come in a few times and also her father and asked her things along the lines of how she’s feeling, and I’ve overheard her talking about a doctors appointment multiple times.
Now we live in a right to fire state, so after talking to my wife I get why she might be worried to tell me in the case I might do so. But I don’t want to, and I won’t. But I’ll admit I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t a bit worried she’ll have the baby and not come back to work when she’s the only one there to help me out.
So, would I be an asshole/ way out of line for asking her if she’s having a baby?
Editor’s note: OOP has made the same original post onto another subreddit, I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: what part of “never ask a woman if she’s pregnant” didn’t click for you
OOP: Well, I understand that. But if she is and is eventually going to need time off after the baby is born that’s something I need to know ahead of time rather than after the fact when she’s the only other one there besides me. I do need to make arrangements for her absence for however long she needs.
Commenter 2: YWBTA. She’ll explain what’s going on when she needs to. If she’s still doing everything in her job, it isn’t your business as her employer. There’s a lot that could go wrong if you ask her, and not much that can go wrong if you just wait until it become unavoidably obvious.
She may be pregnant but prone to miscarriage, which depending on where you live is ranges from a horrendously awful health experience to all of that plus legal troubles.
OOP: I didn’t think of this aspect of it, because if you see her and know how she looks it’s already obvious. I have no idea if she is prone to miscarriages or not. I just know she’s got three kids she talks about all the time, but we do live in one of those states. Thanks for that perspective I hadn’t thought of.
Commenter 3: lol what is this “right to fire someone for being pregnant” state? Assuming this is in the US by the use of the word “state,” have you not heard of the federal Pregnancy Discrimination Act? Yes there are certain requirements and it can’t cause undue hardship etc, but generally speaking in the US you can’t fire women for being pregnant or having pregnancy-related disability.
So yes, YWBITA and possibly violating federal law in the US, if you live/work there. See the EEOC website
OOP: It means I can just tell her not to show back up and not give her a reason. Or make one up. If I tell her I’m firing her because she’s pregnant, she can sue. If I just tell her she’s fired period, she can’t. Because I didn’t give her a reason. I have no desire to do that, though.
Edited: it’s not right to fire for being pregnant. It’s right to fire for anything. Anytime.
Commenter 4: I hope she or someone she knows has Reddit as well because you gave all the proof needed that it was because you “worried she wouldn’t return anyway” and guess what, you can delete the post but if people have links, they can return to them and it saves the ORIGINAL copy in the comments. You better pray you either wise up and wait or if you end up doing the morally wrong thing, that she nor anyone close to her doesn’t follow the aita subreddit, or if they do they can never figure out its about the cafe she works at. You better not fire her simply because you don’t know if she’ll return, because if you do, I’m hoping and praying someone she knows has reddit follows this subreddit and they get proof you fired because of her being pregnant. Here’s an idea, hire other people as well, but again DON’T fire her!
OOP: I said I didn’t want to and wouldn’t fire her. Because I don’t want to. If she is, I want her back when she’s had the baby. Because she goes above and beyond 24/7 when she’s there. Me stating the laws of our state are just what they are and my wife saying that might be why she’s worried and me being worried she might change her mind about working when I’ve come to rely on her and it’s ONLY the two of us there every day. Her job is NOT in jeopardy either way.
Commenter 5: YWNBTA – are you going to fire her if she’s pregnant? Aske her gently and then congratulate her. Reddit is ridiculous sometimes. Look at all of the other comments. You gauge whether you are close enough to her and whether she trusts you enough. At a certain point it is going to feel like you’re pretending not to see the obvious.
OOP: Absolutely not. Her job is safe 100%.
But I know after she has the baby she will obviously need some time off. And since she is the only employee besides me, I’ll need to plan ahead for that 6 to whatever amount of weeks off.
And like I said, I am wondering if she’ll decide to stay home again with this one. And that’s fine, I don’t hold it against her. The way she talks about her three she already has and the time she was there with them all the time I can see how proud and happy she was to be able to do that. So I wouldn’t be surprised or upset or whatever else if she decided to do the same with this potential new one.
I’d just like to know in advance what I’m looking at going forward if I need to hire someone new by x date.
Commenter 6: YTA. Right to fire equals right to quit. Did she sign a contract? Are you offering her benefits? Health insurance? Retirement? You fully admit that you could fire her for being pregnant if you wanted to but somehow you’re the victim because she might quit and you’d have to -gasp- find another employee. It’s a job at a cafe. It’s none of your business if she’s pregnant and she doesn’t owe you anything.
OOP: I do not mean to imply I’m a victim at all, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m concerned that not only she could be worried about it when it won’t happen, but also that if she decides not to come bank. My wife is the one who pointed out that she could be worried for that reason. And we are a small business. It is only the employee and I every day, so with it being only us, there are no benefits.
However, any time she needs to be off, she gets off and I can usually find a family member who can help out for the day. But that’s harder to do when it’s all the time, which is my only worry. I will not fire her. She can work until she has the baby if she is having one, and if she decides to stay home with that one as well, then that’s fine and up to her and her husband. But if I need to hire new help by a certain point, I would also like to know that, too. Because at this point even the people that were helping out before can’t help out like she does. So I’d like to have the time to train someone. It’s just the two of us, so that would be helpful.
Commenter 7: Yes, YTA for sure 1) she has every right to privacy and you have no right to ask. If she’s choosing not to share (assuming there is anything to share in the first place) there may be a good reason for it, medical or otherwise or maybe she just doesn’t feel it’s a necessary conversation to have with her employer because she is not required to do so. 2) I’m not going to assume anything about state employment laws where you are, but even if you follow them and can legally terminate her because you ‘think she might’ be pregnant…. YTA. Also you run a cafe, not a surgical team. Hire someone part time so you feel more comfortable. Sheesh
OOP: I do not intend to fire her at all. I just need to make arrangements for whatever amount of time she needs off, if she’d like to come back. We haven’t been open even a year. And our space is limited. 3+ employees will be trampling on each other in…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ouwdf3/wibta_if_i_ask_my_employee_if_shes_pregnant/
I never crap on ppl asking for advice before they do some stupidity.
So weird that so many people immediately decided OP was planning on firing her for being pregnant, despite them specifically saying they weren’t planning on doing that. Thanks for posting the updates in the comments :)
Commenter 7: Yes, YTA for sure 1) she has every right to privacy and you have no right to ask. If she’s choosing not to share (assuming there is anything to share in the first place) there may be a good reason for it, medical or otherwise or maybe she just doesn’t feel it’s a necessary conversation to have with her employer because she is not required to do so. 2) I’m not going to assume anything about state employment laws where you are, but even if you follow them and can legally terminate her because you ‘think she might’ be pregnant…. YTA. Also you run a cafe, not a surgical team. Hire someone part time so you feel more comfortable. Sheesh
OOP: I do not intend to fire her at all. I just need to make arrangements for whatever amount of time she needs off, if she’d like to come back. We haven’t been open even a year. And our space is limited. 3+ employees will be trampling on each other in our cooking area.
Commenter 8: You need to seriously consider taking applications and hiring a second person. Your “business plan” – having only one person who can be there when you can’t, is seriously flawed.
You need to be able to have another person to rely on – it doesn’t matter whether this woman gets sick, takes maternity leave, or becomes unable to work temporarily due to an accident. You are seriously risking your business by not having at least one more employee.
OOP: If I can’t be there, we are closed. We haven’t even been open for a year. And with the cooking space we have available, any more than two will be in everybody’s way 24/7. I appreciate the advice, I really do, but right now we are doing good. If my employee can’t be there, a family member will come in to help (all classes needed have been taken) and they get paid for doing so.
Update: June 25, 2025 (1.5 months later)
She is pregnant. I did not ask her. Her husband told me and said he’s been telling her she needed to tell me but he said she wasn’t sure about how much time to ask off for, if I’d think she wasn’t coming back, or if I’d need help and nobody else could help. Because the job has become important to her so she kept putting it off.
He said her plan was to come back after 2 weeks but he (these are his words before everyone comes for my head again) said that he wasn’t going to let her at that point. Which I fully understand. From there I decided I should save all the tips that would be hers and give them to her, so that is what I’m going to do just so she’s not completely out of pay, and she’s honestly earned it.
She truly is a great employee and I’m happy for her and her husband and their family.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: You acted like the boss she desperately needed and that’s worth more than any policy or contract. Stay the course and support her openly because loyalty is born when people feel seen and valued and she will repay that tenfold when she returns.
OOP: I honestly couldn’t ask for a better employee than her. I’m glad she plans to come back when she’s had the time she feels (or I guess her husband according to what he said, feels) she needs to come back to work.
Commenter 2: Do you have a lot of regular customers who know her and will miss her?
Maybe you could ask if she minds (once the baby is born) if you let people know why she’s off work for a while? And perhaps have a dedicated tip jar for “(employee’s) new baby fund” so her regular customers can contribute if they like? Or offer to share her registry link with regulars?
OOP: Oh they will definitely miss her. I won’t be recognizing their voices on the phone immediately or their phone numbers on the caller ID, or just knowing what they want to drink and having it ready without them specifying it or any extra sauces they want without them telling me. This is a good idea, thank you!
Commenter 3: Only in the dystopian world that we live in (I am assuming this is the USA) would a woman feel like she has to go back to work after 2 WEEKS,
Dude - let me prepare you. She is not going to be able to come back for at LEAST 6 to 8 weeks. At that she should be taking AT LEAST 6 MONTHS off. Now I appreciate that you probably only pay her minimum wage so she cannot afford to do this but DAM… this is just shitty.
OOP: She makes $20/ hour and works 15 hours a week. I do pay her (I feel like) well for her time that she takes out of her life to help me out. I also know that her husband makes enough that she doesn’t NEED to work for me, she chooses to to have something to do. I have no issues with how long she needs to be off. She’s the one who said two weeks because she told her husband that the job was important to her, and she didn’t want to be gone too long. I never told her or her husband that she needed to be back immediately. And I know that since she was a stay at home mom with all her other children she probably didn’t realize or fully think that part through yet. And that’s fine, I will figure her time off out as I need to so she can be home with her child(ren) and rest and recover.
Final Update: November 5, 2025 (4.5 months later from the last update)
Final update: my employee was made aware that her job was here when / if she was ready to come back. But definitely don’t be a stranger while you’re on maternity leave, please bring that baby in here eventually. She laughed and agreed.
Baby arrived very early yesterday morning. Her husband called me to tell me what was happening once their sweet girl was here.
I waited until today for the visitors to die down to ask if I could bring them something to eat, and I made her (employee’s) favorite food item from work (this was her request, I would have taken her something else had she asked for it) and her husband his (she didn’t say anything about him but I did it anyway assuming she was in the fog of she needed food and forgot he existed in the moment).
My wife and I arrived this afternoon and got to meet the newest member of their family. Mom and baby are both safe and healthy, and that is the cutest and smallest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. Her older siblings are obsessed with her, and needless to say her parents are as well, she is very very loved.
Just wanted to give the happy update to this. Baby girl is here and is healthy, loved, and mom / employee knows she has nothing to fear in regards to her job.
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