When I make a new friend online and we hang out a lot in a short space of time, I find myself hyperfocusing on wanting to interact with them. I try my best to hold myself back to what would be an acceptable level. It gets to a point where I feel like almost nothing else matters but their next response.
Does anyone else have this? If so, is there a coping technique I can do to reduce it or make it more bearable?
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A half-joke I have with my group: “Do you want to be my next hyperfocus” is a threat.
I probably did, which also explains why I don’t actually have any friends left.
Do you want to talk about it?
Sure, but there’s not all that much to say. I’m a shut-in and I used to have online friends to play with, but over the years every single one disappeared. Nothing I didn’t do to myself. No great drama involved whatsoever.
That’s a shame, are you not able to find more? Public servers?
You can join our chat that’s linked in the side bar or pinned to the top of the community.
I think they do.
I do this, and can relate with how nerve-wracking it is. I’m afraid I haven’t hit on any techniques to stop it entirely, but for me I found things like mindfulness practices help with some of the runaway or obssessive thinking. Also, finding hobbies or activities I can do by myself has helped me feel less like I’m only happy when I’m with/talking to my “favourite person”.
Hobbies help a bit, but the problem is they start to give my brain less and less value when I have a new favourite person so to speak.
Yeah, I understand that. I haven’t found an easy solution to that.
With hobbies, the thing I’ve found most useful is to set a structure of making that time for myself to do the thing I enjoy. Even if it’s just an hour or two, one evening a week. That way I’ve mentally created the space where I can say “that time is for me, to do my hobby”. Sticking with it, even if I think “I’d rather be with my favourite person at this time” helps add some balance (plus it’s a defence against that feeling of neglecting myself when I’m hyperfocused on someone else).
That’s a good idea, unfortunately I have trouble sticking to times unless I’m letting someone else down
Well I don’t know if it helps, but the way I think of that is that if I didn’t stick to the times, I’d be letting me down.
Sounds like a good thing to be honest
My hobbies losing value is a good thing?
Sorry I misread that. Thought you said hobbies cause you to place less thoughts on friendship
Oh I can see that, my bad.
I don’t have autism, but I do have ADHD, and this sentiment resonates deep with me. I’ve had past male acquaintances make fun of me in person for being very insistent on hanging out that they defaulted to saying “Flooppoolf wants to 🅱️ang out guys”.
I later realized in college that I’m gay. I seemingly don’t interact with women as much as I do with men, and quite frankly I always found women to be a burden to try and talk to. I find that charming them is icky and pointless, usually even problematic with social cues and all that bullshit. I 100% rather tell a guy he’s hot and ask for a kiss. Guys usually get flattered and don’t get insulted idk. That’s too much social philosophy for me and just know that one is better in my case.
A movie that helped explain these weird feelings, that I rejected until I was in my 20’s, was The Sitter with Jonah Hill. It is the most elegant way that I could’ve had that explained to me. It almost felt as if Jonah was speaking to all the confused kids and letting them know that you don’t have to fit into the fruit mold of being gay. You can be sensible, manly, seemingly heterosexual and still be gay. And it’s ok.
But that was my personal experience. I hope you find solace and comfort in yourself and eventually someone else. 💓
edit: the movie was relevant because the kid would also get really upset when his best friend wouldn’t want to hang out or reply to his texts, iirc. Made me tear up and realize that what I needed was to top some femboys on grindr.
That movie helped me a bit as well, because the girl I was with at the time told me she thought the adopted kid with the fireworks issues was hot. So we’re not together.
Stay true to the username pal hahahaha
:-( I am
I thought it was funny, just poking fun :)
Nah it was funny. It’s been a Monday though.
Thanks for sharing that, I found this a really interesting perspective.
Used to. Constantly wanting their approval, ways to impress them, make them like me. Constantly trying, making an effort to connect, join.
Then realized was focusing on my needs. Often, people so wrapped up in their own drama, realized I wasn’t the center of the universe. So I stopped trying.
Once I did that, weird thing happened. People started to come to me, wanting to chat, hang out.
Of course, this was in a psych ward, and I’m 43, no friends, living in a crappy studio apt, and only people I talk to are myself and random strangers on the internet. So what do I know.
Hey, the people in the psych ward have the same internal drives of the people outside of the psych ward. There’s people out here that want to talk to you. Investigate that however you feel comfortable doing.
Also, the people in the psychward, while some may be hard to interact with, are super interesting!
Heck yes. Lot of creative people with fascinating stories.
Yep. Most people in psych wards are struggling, need to process, deal. A typical dynamic I’d find: in the common room during free time, a few would be hanging out, socializing. Some sitting in corner would look over, and you could see they wanted to join, but were scared to. So one of us would say, hey if you want to sit with us, feel free. Some would accept, take chair next to us, and they’d sit quietly, and we’d leave them be, not pressure. Some would thaw, start engaging more. And some would leave, go sit in a corner.
Sometimes, I’d be that person, and be grateful for them reaching out, offering to include me.
This can translate to outer world. Just, normal world, can be hard to connect, people are less honest, less weird. I do better with weird. =)
Is there like a book that teaches neurodivergent people how to make and maintain friendships? Cause I feel like this is something a lot of us do without realizing
This is probably why we gravitate to each other.
Not that I know of, but I’ve been really thinking about a writing a publication of some sort that guides autistic people on how to raise themselves. I think it would be a helpful guide since society is tailored towards guiding allistics. I’d need help from other autistics and allistics though.
Collaborative writing can be a little like parallel play, could work. I would contribute, I fell through the grid undiagnosed and had to figure everything out myself
Asperger syndrome and long term relationships. Woman author, last name Wiley, I think. She talks about her relationship with asperger partner.
The ethical slut. Odd, but it helped a lot, taught me how to communicate with people.
How to win friends and influence people. A bit cheap, scammy like. But has few good parts.
Go online, research the different ways autism peeps and neurotypicals communicate. Really fascinating. When autism people think of communicating, it’s the sharing of thoughts, ideas. Neurotypicals, it’s about elaborate rituals, almost a dance, they need it to know they’re included, have been accepted into the social group.
Fascinating from an anthropology perspective.
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I guess all you can do is practice right? Keep failing over and over until you don’t anymore.
It has happened to me in real life and online, and I think is a perfect way to attract toxic people, or alienate some of the non-toxic ones. I haven’t engaged closely with people in ages because I can’t seem to get the measure right.
Which one friend?
