So last week I came out to my Parents and my Grandma.
I already knew beforehand that this will not end well, as my parents are (super)conservative and self-absorbed. But I had to do it anyway, right?
I met with my grandma (mid-eighties) first alone, she was a bit shocked but was quite understanding of the situation, and she tried real hard to use my proper pronouns. I really love her trying and being open.
Then my parents arrived and I laid it all down to them. They were shocked of course. Interestingly, I was not the first who happened to be trans in my family, my mother said in a tone like that being trans is some freak accident that happen and can’t be helped. They told me her deadname and her new name, but from then on out they constantly deadnamed her whenever they referred to her. Great start…
She also once said, probably with good intention, that I would always be her deadname. Which stung even more, especially since she said that after I tried to correct her on my pronouns and my name. Like she totally disregarded what i was saying all along.
To my father, he is a quite right-leaning and buys into the idea that the rainbow flag and trans movement is communistic. As in, we as a minority, want to dictate the majority how to speak, act and think. (Imaging that novel idea, that inclusivity and respect is communistic)
In the end I could bear it any longer and found a somewhat graceful exit to leave this toxic coming out.
But ever since then, and the text messages I received from my mother don’t help at all, thoughts are gnawing on my self. Text messages like: that she doesn’t think that I am trans and that the journey I am on is the right one. Because she read up on literature (she didn’t mention what literature), she hadn’t seen any signs during my youth, and she insists that she always knows best.
So yeah, thoughts like am I really trans? is this just really only just a phase? Do I only really want attention? Am I just faking it?
But why, on the other hand, do I feel the shot of euphoria whenever a colleague calls me by my name and uses my given pronouns?
Why not just end this charade once and for all? Who would care in the end?
Dysphoria, fueled by conservatives who don’t accept you, is really tormenting at times.
I have no experience with this topic, so hopefully I don’t step on your toes.
It does read like your mother is trying in her own way. Maybe there is a chance to talk to her alone without your father and explain a couple of basics to her? She probably has no idea what it really means and this is her way of trying, even if it is hurting you. Not saying it is OK, just that it probably needs time and good talks to process and accept it.
Maybe ask your grandma for her opinion on how to deal with her.
Anyway, I wish you all the best!
Thank you for being an ally regardless :)
You see the relationship between me and my mother and my mother to grandma (her mother) is very frail. Out of the blue my mother became very narcissistic and hostile to my grandma as well. My Grandma can’t explain it and me and my siblings can’t explain it either.
But yeah perhaps she just needs time to process this all. At christmas we all come together at my place (great idea, eh?) and perhaps the mindset has changed a bit, or it will a very difficult christmas.
Anyway, I wish you all the best!
Thank you!
My strategy to this will be, if my parents do shit like this (which is very likely) when they eventually figure it out, I’ll just block them. No fanfare.
I’m beyond caring about letting others dictate my life, compromising my happiness. If they cannot accept me for who I am, then they won’t take part in my life, as simple as that. Maybe they’ll eventually come around to it, once they realize it’s either that or never talking to me again, but until then…
I cannot say something. I will never have the courage to do an coming out,
You are strong. Keep it this way 😘
Someday, you will. I believed the same for decades. Now I believe in a future where you get to be the real you.
lets hope for this future :)
Your safety comes first. That feeling of euphoria is what you deserve for your bravery and its worth living your life as your true self to feel these moments of euphoria. I think you really are trans, yeah. Not every trans peraon has super obvious trans moments in their childhood, and memory is also easily faulty. I think you may want to get in touch with the trans lifeline or the travor project. You wanna be talking to people who can help you keep this negativity at bay or open up the transition avenues to you.
Definitely safety first! In order to live our lives as our best selves, we need to be healthy and safe, which cane be really hard to balance when the people around you aren’t supportive.
Hey, I have the same with my Mother! She also says there were no signs (there were) and that I will regret this, and that a Mother’s instinct is stronger than anyone else’s opinion and she knows I’m just not trans (I am!). She also sent me some “literature” (transphobic articles / videos) in the past.
I felt similar to you after being faced with such a strong rejection of self. She would say things like I was destroying my deadname’s personality, jeopardizing my soul, and that I had changed. All stuff that kind of churned me up and introduced insecurities where I didn’t expect them. It’s normal to respond to this kind of rejection this way, and I also had very similar thoughts and worries about how maybe she’s right that I’m not really trans and I’m faking it. But when I sat down and really thought about it, I was much happier trans (with euphoric moments similar to what you said), and that I finally felt free. Fortunately friends were willing to listen to me as well, and rightly point out that my Mom is saying horrible things to me.
I too regretted ever telling her with how she reacted, and how upset it has made her. But, realistically, whenever you came out she would have responded this way. This was something you’d have to go through at some point. Forcing yourself to hide who you are only becomes a harder burden, and wanting to share who you are with your parents isn’t a bad thing. As a friend said to me “Just coming out is a great coming out”. You shouldn’t feel bad for telling them who you are, nor should you feel bad about who you are because their reaction.
Unfortunately if your experience is anything like mine, these kinds of messages may continue. I’m a scientist by trade, so I would meticulously tear down her arguments and attempt to show where her understanding was wrong, but you can’t reason someone out of an emotional position. It will just cost you time and energy. “The only winning move is not to play” and put up boundaries. Putting up boundaries is something I’m currently doing, though I expect I will have to go low/no contact with her given no change. That being said, I do know of other cases where parents have changed and accepted their child, and maybe that will be the case with my Mother and your parents.
I hope things will be work out for you though, and honestly hearing that your experience is so similar to mine will help me deal with any insecurities that may be stirred up as I deal with her. We’re both trans, and we should both be proud of this, and no amount of parent rejection can take that away from us.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but it feels liberating that you and I share a similar experience with coming out to our respective parents.
So thank you very much for sharing this with me!
Don’t worry, I feel the same way about our shared experience! Thank you for sharing your story, it’s helped me feel a lot more confident too! ♥️
I would like to add to my post after your comments that I am very happy to have found this space and that I can freely, after I found the words that is, share my troubles with you all and that you are so encouraging.
Thank you all!
You are valid and it is not a phase. Stay strong! You can overcome your dysphoria and live a happy life. I know how hard it is. There were times were I had lost pretty much all hope and felt miserable, but somehow I endured and now I’m in a much better place and I’ve never been happier and you can do it too!
Unfortunately a lot of people, many probably well-intentioned, push the narrative of trans people who always knew or always were gender non-confirming with respect to their AGAB as a way of trying to show of being trans is something that is ingrained in people from very early on to try to convince cis people that trans people are actually the gender they say they are. The side effect means those who don’t fit the stereotypes have a harder time, both with realizing they can be trans and with convincing others they are who they say they are. (It also sometimes leads to cis people who are gender nonconforming to get labeled as “eggs”)
Don’t let those stereotypes get you down.
Anyways, congrats coming out to your parents, even if it feels bad now. Long-term its probably for the better. Not that I can say from experience.
My mom said a lot of the same things, including the “you’ll always be my deadname”.
Honestly, I think in a way that statement is supposed to be comforting from her point of view (not trying to defend it, just giving context to her ignorance).
It’s hard with family when you know it’s an uphill battle at best. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do it.
Don’t let their worries about your identity color how you feel - this is a big surprise for them, whereas you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking and agonizing about this. You, your feelings, and your identity are valid, regardless of what they are.
I transitioned 5 years ago, publicly now for 4 years - I still have doubts sometimes! It’s natural for any really big life decisions! But those doubts come less and less often, and that sense of euphoria and contentment is much more common for me these days.
Take a breath, take it slow, focus on your safety, and reach out if you need help or support.
And, as the ancient saying among our people goes, “You got this!”
Please DM if you need help getting started or finding resources in your area.
