I still look really bad, like nothing has happened, can I Just not expect better results, is this the end of the road. I know people always tell me “your beaitful inside” (im not mad at them) and shit like that
Idk maybe you could find a more fucked up picture with fewer pixels for us to study =P Seriously, Sky, this isn’t a meaningful image. This image allows you to fill in the blanks with whatever terrible emotions you’re feeling at the moment you look at it. It doesn’t serve you, and you should treat yourself better than this. You’re basically bullying yourself. You should get someone who cares about you to take and select some pictures to share. They have a more objective view of your body and appearance.
Anyone can take a bad picture. I can take a shitty, low res picture that makes me look awful. I often have to take and shuffle through several shots to get the good one. And I’m fucking hot =P
I just feel like it’s impossible for hrt or transting to do anything for me. And that’s it all just a fanasty and I’ll never look at myself and be happy. Body postivey is the same as if I never took hrt for me. Since I legit have no seen a single major change and I look awful.
I feel we’ve talked about this before, Sky. HRT doesn’t change your body. It changes how your body changes. If you don’t change your body, your body won’t change. You have to take control of your body. You are the only one with the power to change it. It’s not going to happen for or to you. You’re an adult. Your autonomy is perfect and infinite. Use it. Claim from the universe the Sky shaped space you want.
My issue is what am I supposed to do, loose weight. I’m just curious cause I don’t know what to do.
Don’t ask me. Is that what you want to do? If you think that would get you closer to the person you want to be, do it. Do everything that you think will make you into the person you want to be. Do every stupid little thing that makes you feel alive. Concentrate your whole body, with its 360 bones and joints, and 84,000 hair follicles, into this question of who Sky is; day and night, without ceasing, hold it before you. You must be to yourself like gulping a hot iron ball, which you can neither swallow nor spit out.
How has HRT affected how you feel on the inside, appearances ignored?
I don’t know if you need to hear some tough love right now, but I’m going to give it and you can choose to read it or not.
Being unhappy has a huge impact on your appearance. You look fuckin miserable in that image, and I’m betting that’s what you’re finding unattractive. You know how people always say they see the light in their own eyes after they start transitioning? It’s because they aren’t deeply miserable anymore, and they can finally be free to express themselves, not because they’re suddenly pretty or handsome.
Sky, please, find a therapist that you feel listens to you. I know you’ve been told this a lot, but there’s really nothing any of us can do as much as a good therapist can to lift you out of that pit of despair. DBT has been hugely helpful for me, so maybe try looking for that. And you know…I wouldn’t be telling you all of this if I hadn’t gone through it myself
Just saying, candid photos are never “great”, so should not be the photos you use to judge yourself or others.
Unfortunately, staged and controlled photos where you can account for angles, lighting, etc.
Also lenses play a big part.
Seconding the bit about lenses. I look terrible in selfie cams but fine in mirrors. Lenses play a HUGE role in how you look in a photo. Imo never use a photo to judge your appearance.
I’ve seen you here and seen your pictures before. This is an unflattering pic of you but no, you don’t look like you think you do either.
So much of your problem isn’t going to change with just hrt. The problem is you hate yourself. You’re probably also conflating beauty with gender. I’ll be direct: in a lot of your pics I’ve seen, you look like a woman. You just also look… terrible. Your hair is a disaster (as an extremely curly haired woman myself, I know it can be difficult to learn how to manage it but managing it once you know how to isn’t. Nor is it difficult to get there, it just takes trial and error. I’m not gonna tell you you should lose weight but it seems like you have a lot of negative feelings about it too. That’s within your control and if you think you’ve tried and failed, you either tried something that wouldn’t work or didn’t try hard enough.
For all of the different ways you hate yourself, I can recommend one of two things: therapy or change it. Or both is better tbh. Change your hair, your clothes, your demeanor. Those will make huge differences. You aren’t the way you think you are but you’re not a model either and you don’t have to be to be a woman
I’m gonna be honest, it just hurts. Like if I look a women I’m not pretty and never will be. Accepting that I lost is hard. Being bullied for my appearance as a kid, only to be discimated for it as an adult. I just conviened I’ll never be happy
You’re just flat out wrong that you’ll never be pretty. You absolutely can have that but it takes work you’re currently not willing to undertake. There’s a lot you can do to change your appearance that would make a huge difference before even considering stuff like surgery or weight loss which I get the impression you think you need to be happy. Seriously girl, hair care alone would do a lot. And if the little things well within your power aren’t something you’re willing to entertain doing, your problem isn’t actually your appearance. It’s you.
Do you feel like you’re going through a rough patch right now, or have you truly not noticed any progress since beginning? Never had any gender euphoria?
Like I go through these rough patches sometimes where I get down on myself and feel like I’m ugly and there’s no hope of ever being seen as a woman. Irrational thoughts. They are only temporary, and then I realize all the progress I’ve made and the changes still occurring. I feel silly for having despaired. At these times, it’s important to be patient and control what you can, practice self-love, and work on little things to achieve your goals.
Whereas if you truly feel like two years of HRT hasn’t had any feminizing effect, then I think a more in-depth reevaluation is required. It should absolutely change your body, though to what extent is different for everyone. In general, you can count on breast growth and softening of the skin. If you haven’t noticed that, then I would recommend seeing an endo because maybe your body has some hormonal issue.
Assuming you really have experienced changes, let’s talk about your goals and transition plan. Have you thought about that? HRT is an important piece of the puzzle for us, but it’s not everything. Like trying to bake a cake with only an egg, that’s not gonna work, you need all the other ingredients.
I have a whole list of transition-related tasks, goals, and progress markers. For example, electrolysis hair removal and voice therapy are two tasks I have started in the past month. Early 2024, I plan surgical consultations, which I have my therapist writing a letter for right now. My partner and I have plans to get makeovers and professional makeup advice. This year, I changed my name and pronouns at work, began dressing more fem in public, wore a full bikini to the beach. I’m exploring what hair and clothing styles feel most authentic after a lifetime of apathy. So it’s all falling into place, and very little of that is about HRT. Even my breasts have grown by a cup size this year, and are rounding out nicely.
The point I want to make is that it took over two years to reach the point where I had confidence to do all those things. We’re still baby trans after all. There’s not like any strict time limits on any of this, but we will change continuously for the rest of our lives. Just make sure you take an active hand in shaping yourself and your identity, if you can do that I think you’ll be very surprised by what is possible :)
I can’t afford an endo, I can really only get my levels checked which seems fine, but I feel like maybe my body can’t do anything with all the estrogen in my body
That is possible… I have heard of transfems who don’t have the typical response to HRT.
Still, I would suggest pursuing all other avenues before giving up.
In many places, if you’re poor, you can get some kind of health coverage that includes specialist visits (with referral from your PCP). Ive been broke af before and was able to see a podiatrist for my ankle thanks to state medicaid – in a red state where they constantly undermine medicaid. Is it a hassle? Yes. Is it worth it? Also yes.
You could try other routes of estradiol. Patches, injections, pills, I’ve switched several times and each time is the start of new changes. Increasing dosage, taking a DHT blocker, adding an AA, even with low T levels you might see a benefit. Try progesterone. Endocrinology is still kinda black magic like most medical fields when you dig deep enough. Nobody has all the answers.
And honey what I would do beyond all of that is attack your dysphoria from other angles. Find a way to distract yourself from whatever HRT may or may not be doing. Because it works so slowly and subtly. You may be 6 months to a year from seeing big changes - what happens until then?
You need to work on things to boost your self-esteem: clothes, makeup, self-care, I know money is required for almost everything and that sucks. My friend just gave me a leather jacket and skirt… Being a goth/punk girl I crave this look. Trying them on was omg, pure euphoria. I look way better than I think. You do too, you just gotta fight to learn that. Find your style, find your confidence <3
What if HRT will never be effective for me, like what if there isn’t any hrt that can help me. I’ve switched to injections which I’ve gotten some breast growth, my skin also cleared but after 2 years I would of expected more changes. I’m assuming I can’t be helped and I should just give up. I can’t get Medicaid right now as that would fuck up so many other things.
Sounds like you might not have had the most realistic expectations going in…
If you’ve had breast growth and skin improvements (softening, clearing etc), those are the main super obvious differences you’ll see. Approaching three years, my breasts have increased a cup size and are shaping nicely, with no signs of stopping – so don’t assume it’s all over after two years.
I have noticed more subtle changes like: face shape changing slightly due to fat and muscle changes, eye shape and size changing slightly, some subtle thinning of body hair, some thickening of hair on scalp. But these are very minor, when I feel dysphoric I don’t even notice them.
What are the other changes you expected? Maybe they can be achieved or simulated by other means.
