There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.
“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Maybe for some. But for most it’s not even a preference it is a sexual orientation. A preference can be negotiated. A sexual orientation is just the way that you are.
Honest question, why is there a difference between preference and orientation? If I’m ordering pizza and ask you for your topping preference, you’d tell me pepperoni, for instance. You don’t get to choose what your preference is, it’s just what you prefer. There may be reasons you have that preference (the taste of pepperoni, you don’t like mushrooms, etc.), but it’s not a conscious decision to prefer pepperoni, it’s just what you like. I couldn’t negotiate with you to make you like mushrooms over pepperoni, it’s something you have to discover on your own.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t understand why there’s a difference.
Well you don’t identify with preferring pepperoni, while you do with being attracted to men or women or both. So that’s a difference, although maybe not a fundamental one – I see your question as absolutely fair. Maybe we use two words – preference and orientation – to describe two different experiences, one implying identification and the other not.
Thanks for the thoughtful response! I guess the whole “identify with” part is what is tripping me up here. I don’t live my life thinking about how I am attracted to whatever, I just am. Do you have more of an explanation for me on what it means for other people? Not trying to be inflammatory, just want to understand, because I’ve been curious about the “preference” thing for a while.
Quite a few people identify with their consumption choices, perhaps to an unhealthy degree. I get your point though.
I suppose it’s the difference between preferring not to add mushrooms and losing your appetite when the mushroom goes in your mouth.
I don’t really think that breaks the analogy; there are people who would refuse to eat mushrooms on pizza altogether, there are people who would not be unhappy with the mushrooms, and there are people who would only want mushrooms. In other words, a spectrum, right?
Basically what I was trying to say, yes!
I’m straight, by orientation not preference. Sex with women literally doesn’t feel like sex, even doing the same stuff I’d do with a guy. It’s not distressing , it’s nothing, more like performance. You can be hungry and eat pepperoni and it will feel like eating. I do find many women beautiful, and sexy but nope, don’t want to do them.
A preference is more like “I really prefer women but was stuck on this boat with only dudes, Tim is nice and good looking, it was fun.”