Some premises: I am not suicidal, I am so afraid of death that I would never take my own life. Also, English isn’t my native language, so please forgive any errors.

For the purpose of this post, I’m writing some general things about myself: I’m a white man in my mid 20s and I’m autistic.

However, I don’t fit into the typical male stereotype of the autistic person passionate about trains. Instead, I tend to like things that are not typically considered socially acceptable for a man: I am a fan of pop culture and pop divas like Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, Ariana Grande and Olivia Rodrigo.

This, along with my general introversion and social fatigue, is one of the reasons I can’t find friends. I can’t find common interests with other men my age. I often found myself in online communities where most of the people were much younger than me and this made me feel uncomfortable, so I left those groups.

I deleted social media, except for Lemmy, Reddit, Telegram, X and YouTube. They are the only places where I don’t feel judged and free to express myself. It’s also a concern for me to stay on social media where my full name is required, because where I live employers scour every single sentence written on public social media, looking for any detail to have an excuse not to hire someone.

Another problem is work. Autism is a disability for me because it precludes me from any job where there is contact with the public, because it drains my energy too quickly. Unfortunately, where I live, working from home is not welcomed and after the pandemic everyone went back to working in person. I’m currently unemployed and I am worried about my parents becoming elderly and not being able to support them, neither financially nor emotionally. Instead, I’m the one who needs help from them.

My therapist is not helpful and he doesn’t understand the difficulties caused by my disability and thinks that it is enough to tell me motivational phrases to make all the problems go away.

I would like to go back to when I was a child. Despite the difficulties of autism and the bullying I suffered at school, I was carefree and only thinking about the present moment. Unfortunately, I’m aware that going back is not possible.

Instead, is there a way to appreciate life again despite all the difficulties and worries?