Hey there, Amber! Did I get your name right?

The right answer is there’s no right answer :)

You want to do all the things, feel all the things, be all the things, all at once. So very understandable. And I’m sorry we all have to go through this phase: the confusion, mourning what can never be, longer for what might be, impatient for changes, stuck waiting, sailing as it were without a compass.

It’s the classic transgender experience, and it’s both terrible and wonderful.

If it helps, I understand, and I’m one of many who has faced these struggles, and is moving forward. Just like you will, when the time comes. I’ll offer some practical tips below, but first I want to tell you briefly what it’s like to be an older trans girl.

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I started transition at 37, and let me tell you, the past three years have been FULL of moments of girlhood, blended with mature adulthood. It’s a strange combination. Sometimes I feel so new, everything seems so special and magical, other times I’m simply over it. Right now I’m experimenting with my style, totally in the goth and emo phase – we’re never too old for this – and absolutely rocking it.

Last weekend, I spent hours applying makeup and debating over my outfit before going to an EDM party. I ended up in a skirt, fishnet tights, button up shirt, loose tie with fancy knot, leather jacket, and patent platform boots. I danced for one of the first times in my life, all night long. I was silly, I was unleashed, free spirit, blissful. Maybe I don’t pass perfectly yet, but it didn’t matter. I have never wanted to dance like that before, never had the confidence to try.

It’s not exactly the same as being a cis girl. But it is damn close, the feelings inside me, the desire to explore my identity, the doubts, pushing boundaries, the joys of practicing my walk, my voice, my makeup skills. Touching and holding my chest, double checking my reflection in the mirror, I can hardly believe this is me! But I’ve been here living every day of it.

At work, other women have become so forthcoming and trusting of me, about very intimate matters and it’s something I never experienced before. The sense of kinship is there, even if I’m not fully out yet. They sense who I am, regardless of how I look.

What I mean is you will find girlhood and womanhood, actually you are already there, and part of the journey is wondering if you’re doing it all correctly. But you will experience the pain and pleasure of it, in your own time and way, just like every other woman.

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Can I ask why you’ll “never get HRT?”

To your questions about what you can do today? I’ll dump a bunch of ideas here but the point isn’t to tackle them all. Just imagine the possibilities. From time to time, you will feel the time is right, and you will add something new to your arsenal. It might take months or years.

I literally started with cheap lingerie and nail polish. Long before I knew I was trans. The pleasure, the sense of calm and rightness from wearing a stuffed bra, seeing what I might look like, a preview of how I look now – could there have been any greater sign of my gender identity? Seeing my nails in sky blue was a delight. I think nail polish is a great place to start, it’s an act of self-care, a sort of ritual, but give yourself considerable leeway for mistakes. It takes a while to find the right touch.

Spoiler...

This goes for all things transgender: Try to see the beauty in the process, not hypernalyzing the results or comparing yourself to an ideal. The fun is in the exploration, the mischief, the mistakes, as much as the successes. A friend at work showed me photos of her children’s “first time trying makeup”. Hahaha trust me nothing you or I do could look so ridiculous, but they had fun. Why shouldn’t we have fun? :)

You gotta go through the embarassing awkward stages to reach your beautiful potential. I like to compare us to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. Don’t let mistakes and frustrations hold you back, but always try again. Don’t be afraid to fail.

Clothing? A sports bra. Dead simple and super euphoria inducing. Also panties. This is the base you begin with. Eventually I switched to panties every day, and once HRT kicked in, wore bras daily for years. (Ironically, the farther I progress the less need I have for these “props” if you will, and often don’t wear bras anymore).

I can recommend tights, thigh highs, stockings. With all clothes, get a tape measure to estimate your sizing. They do make foot and legwear for taller, thicker girls, even if it’s harder to find. I can offer suggestions if needed.

Dresses are far more difficult. Let me tell you something I’ve learned. Every woman will look awful in certain styles. But every woman will look amazing in others. For me personally, bony, skinny, and not so curvy, I look great in clothes that flare out to provide a sense of curviness. Many women are the same.

But honestly I wouldn’t start with dresses. Those are easier when you have a lot of momentum already. Try a women’s cut shirt or polo. For more of a challenge but to see your figure change temporarily, try a corset or waist trainer. Mini skirts are nice too, and a classic trans girl wear paired with thigh highs.

Get some women’s jeans, you can get any number of styles. My classic “fem” look for the first couple of years was a women’s shirt, skinny jeans and a sports bra. Super basic, simple, but euphoria inducing. Only in the last month have I progressed to more diverse options, camis, crop tops, skinny straps, mesh shirts. I’ve started using layers more, as my wardrobe grows, and wearing makeup more often, especially eyeliner and nail polish.

But you gotta start somewhere and start simple. Same with makeup. Take a girlfriend to the drugstore with you, get a few cheap options she thinks might look good on you, get a vanity mirror, go home and relax and try it. Remember to use a light touch, not as if you are plastering a ceiling, but rather as if putting fine finishing touches on a masterpiece. Go light, subtle, and accept imperfections. “Perfect is the enemy of good”. Try a little foundation, a little blush, lipstick, but if you can do eye makeup – you won’t want or need much else.

Oh and you’ll want a good spf moisturizer under it all. Like seriously, if you really work just on skincare alone, you might find yourself making cis women jealous. Other women tell me all the time how my skin is “pretty”, but like, it’s a ton of work. I wasn’t born with it. Keeping acne under control, shaving, exfoliating, getting plenty of rest, drinking enough water, avoid sunburn (big hats are your friend), eating healthy, dont smoke, or drink in excess. These are all things you can work on for pretty skin. Obviously HRT would help too. But your skin will reflect your overall health.

About looking at yourself in the mirror, try a vanity with ring light, those are designed to make us look good lol. Avoid wall mirrors, harsh lighting. I still don’t like the way certain mirrors make me look. But it has gotten much better. Changing my hair style, washing my face, taking a shower, a few things that give me a fresher more appealing look.

If face hair is a concern, look into professional laser or electrolysis hair removal. Pricey, but effective. I feel much more comfortable with my face now the dark hairs have been removed. It is a huge relief to only shave once a week, if needed, I’m still working on the light hairs. Beard shadow is greatly reduced, which means one less thing to cover with makeup!

As you progress you might decide to take other steps, sharing your name and pronouns with others (friends, family, coworkers), voice training on your own or with a therapist, medical transition with HRT and various other surgical options. I don’t go into much detail here because it seems you are still quite early on, but please do ask if you have questions about these things.