inb4 “if it’s legal it’s not a crime”

  • demesisx@infosec.pubEnglish
    301·
    3 months ago

    I’d go rob the people that made my entire 20’s and 30’s into indentured student loan servitude for exactly the dollar figure they stole from me plus the insane interest that they tacked onto it because they owned politicians who eliminated all avenues that I could’ve used to get out of that contract.

    The figure they stole from me: $197,355.49

      • demesisx@infosec.pubEnglish
        10·
        3 months ago

        It was the CitiAssist.

        It had to be a private student loan because my parents made slightly over the max to qualify to public loans even though they refused to pay for school. That left me with loans with insane interest rates. Most of what I had to borrow was to cover $150k to pay rent in the college town I lived in while attending school.

        Then, Joe Biden wrote the bankruptcy protection bill, making it impossible for students to disburse their student loans in bankruptcy two years after I graduated. They also refused to allow me to consolidate 8 loans which all had monthly payments that were each intentionally calculated as if it was the only loan I had to pay. Then my loans got bought and moved around and are now owned by Trellis. There’s a lot more to it as well. Housing and healthcare plays a HUGE part.

        TLDR; hyper-commodification of basic human needs like education, housing, healthcare, and food coupled with legislation that sentences those that can’t pay their feudal lord up front to a lifetime of serfdom. (Not to mention my union wages barely keeping pace with inflation).

  • PrettyFlyForAFatGuy@feddit.ukOP
    28·
    3 months ago

    I know of an exploit on a horribly designed website for a national car park company that would allow me to write a script that would effectively give me and anyone else i know free parking for ever for all car parks administered by this company in the country (which is a lot of car parks).

    So i’d do that

    • Corngood@lemmy.ml
      17·
      3 months ago

      I love that you have a very specific and arguably moral crime in mind, and it inspired this post.

      • PrettyFlyForAFatGuy@feddit.ukOP
        9·
        3 months ago

        tbh, i was inspired by a post with the same title while lurking on reddit. i have a rule about not posting there though so i bought the conversation here

  • lattrommi@lemmy.mlEnglish
    285·
    3 months ago

    Crime means breaking the law, correct?

    No location is named, so I will assume this refers the laws of physics and reality.

    I would:

    • expand time so that it lasts a near infinite duration, contained entirely within this day of no crime
    • transmute a bunch of the rocks in my apartment into gold
    • alter my DNA to include working wings like a bat, a prehensile tail like a monkey, gills like a salamander, enviromental adaptability like a chameleon that’s selective so I can hide these enhancements from others
    • one more enhancement related to a very specific part of the anatomy of a horse or blue whale, or whatever it is people want these days
    • remove all genetic defects of my body, like susceptability to cancer and addictions, grant it full immunity to diseases, put it into a perfect equilibrium with near instantaneous regeneration and longevity and thus allowing my life to last as long as I desire
    • create a star from nothing and collapse it in a way that stores all of its energy into a pocket sized battery with perfect functionality and adaptability that is nearly indestructable
    • hold hands with two chicks at the same time

    It’s fun to dream of the impossible.

  • Hegar@fedia.io
    162·
    3 months ago

    I’m a renter, so I’d throw a brick through each window of my property manager’s tesla.

  • saigot@lemmy.ca
    101·
    3 months ago

    Assuming we got some time beforehand to prep, blow up a pipeline or 7

    • MonkRome@lemmy.worldEnglish
      1·
      3 months ago

      Hopefully you mean ones still in construction… No need to cause an unprecedented environmental disaster after all.

  • Jourei@lemm.eeEnglish
    7·
    3 months ago

    Man, I gotta brew something up in case a Crime Day comes up.

    I’d like to do some proper money laundering but I’d need dirty money first. Idk, if skill wasn’t an issue, I’d hack the bank and erase my debt? No, make the bank owe ME.

      • 🔰Hurling⚜️Durling🔱@lemmy.world
        1·
        3 months ago

        If you think billionares have like money in a bank scrooge mcduck style, we’ll I have some sad news for you, they effectively are broke to a normal persons point of view (how much actual cash they have).

        Instead they have their “wealth” as stock ownership of companies, get a loan from a bank for whatever they want to buy, and then just pay it back with the growing value of their stocks, that’s how they don’t pay taxes in the US and still get to buy whatever the fuck they want.

        Basically, something like this. https://youtu.be/t6V9i8fFADI

        • xmunk@sh.itjust.works
          2·
          3 months ago

          Oh, I’m well aware. When I say “Rob Musk” I was thinking of forcing a stock transfer rather than going after his pocket change.