I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
I had a lot of doubts to begin with. Part of what helped me was learning that it’s not useful to think of words like trans as prescriptive, but as descriptive. I started only thinking in terms of benefits and making myself comfortable.
I want to wear different clothes and otherwise present myself differently because I’ve always wanted to? Then I’ll do that.
I tried HRT and I liked the mental and physical effects? Then I’ll continue with HRT.
I have no connection to my name and prefer a female coded name? Then I’ll use a new female coded name.
Etc. etc.
Trans is just a word and the more important part is making yourself happy.
Edit: The word trans is useful because it describes a bunch of the stuff I’m doing, and it makes me happy when I see things that are trans supportive. I think it’s also worth remembering that gender is a spectrum and that being transgender is defined as not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth/not being cis, and therefore includes a lot of identities and ways of expressing yourself.
No one else gets to go inside your head and tell you how you feel, so it’s only up to you to decide whether or not you are trans. Honestly you can do a bunch of gender non-conforming things and even do all sorts of transitiony things and stuff associated with being trans and then just decide to “not be trans” if you feel like it, even if others might describe you as such. What do they know anyways? Most people haven’t really put their gender identity under the looking glass or even so much as read about the subject.
Yes, I do tend to think of the trans label as a diagnostic category that if I’m in it, I should do certain things, so it is prescriptive and that grounds my choices around transitioning. Before transition I couldn’t motivate myself around things like my comfort or desires, that felt too selfish, especially for something that admittedly blows up my life and creates so many problems (I have lost several family members as a result of transitioning, for example).
It was only by realizing I was essentially living with a condition and not medicated that I was being irresponsible, and that was being a burden on others because I was living this way.
That said, whether I think of trans as prescriptive or descriptive, the doubt feelings have a foothold because it can equally target uncertainty about what I experience as what I want or find comforting - I can wonder if I am delusional about my own assessment of the mental and physical effects of HRT. This is especially the case when I started HRT and realized I had been really not mentally well for most of my life and not realized it. I had depression, suicidal ideation, intense anxiety, and a whole host of other issues that seemed to magically disappear when I started HRT, and the fact that I had never thought I had those things before really unseated my confidence in self-perception.
Anyway, yes - at the end of the day it’s undeniable and not ambiguous that I’m a trans woman, I feel very happy on estrogen and as a woman, etc. - the doubts are truly disconnected from reality, or maybe a better way of putting it is that the doubts are an attempt to rationalize detransitioning because it’s risky and scary being a trans woman where I live, and there is a part of me that is clearly concerned about survival as a trans person. (Of course, detransitioning at this point is even more likely to threaten my survival, just in a different way.)
That’s because of generations of transphobic gatekeeping shoving that down our throats. They hide the people who don’t fit the acceptable narratives, and deny them care and invalidate them.
That is absolutely not what being trans is about.
Being trans is about taking the steps to live your life on your own terms. If you don’t know what your own terms are, then its giving yourself permission to explore and find out, because even that is living your life on your own terms.
The reality of living with dysphoria is real, but it’s important that you don’t equate dysphoria and trans identity. One can be trans without dysphoria, and whilst there is a relationship between the two, they are distinct, and one doesn’t automatically flow from the other.
You don’t need to know all the answers. You don’t need a diagnosis. You don’t need a permanent and forever label that you are 100% certain of, because honestly, none of those things will give you what you want. If you’re chasing them, it’s because you are trying to validate who you are to yourself and to others. And that self doubt is a real thing, that so many of us struggle with. But we don’t solve it by finding labels and saying “See, I’ve got proof”, because the self doubt doesn’t care about that, and will still sneak through the cracks.
We disempower self doubt by living our lives on our own terms, and over time, the truth of our lived experience starts to undo the lifetime of self doubt we’ve been taught. Of course, it’s much harder than a single sentence makes it sound, but just be careful not to fall in to the trap of chasing labels and identity as the answer to the doubts you have, because they’re not. The labels help you understand more about yourself and the people around you, but they’re tools, not answers
Trans-Medicalism
Regarding trans-medicalism, I do tend to view my own transness through a clinical lens, and this lends itself to a lot of superficial overlap with trans-medicalists. However, I don’t see a need to equate dysphoria with trans identity nor to gatekeep others in their identity. Politically it is advantageous to have a big tent and to cooperate with one another, and that’s the spirit with which I see trans identity, i.e. there isn’t a single way of being trans and the thing that brings us all together is our mutual oppression under the hegemonic gender ideology. (For this reason, I think trans people should see intersex individuals as belonging to our political identity and as having a shared struggle, since they are similarly oppressed.)
I certainly would have been denied trans care under the old Benjamin rules, for example because I have attraction to women. I consider trans-medicalism as harmful and likely to lead to trans people being pushed back into the closet and refused services they probably need. I have seen this recently with the talk about the incel “transmaxxing” manifesto, which sounds basically like a way for incels who are trans to rationalize transitioning; truscum seem to view this transmaxxing manifesto as confirmation that men are stealing precious gender affirming care from more deserving and valid trans women, while I tend to think it’s more likely that anyone who thinks estrogen makes you happy should probably be permitted access to estrogen and is probably just having a hard time admitting they’re a woman.
Identity and Self
There is a lot of wisdom in your comment. I think a big problem I am running into is a weak sense of self and a lack of self-esteem. Because it feels like I just try to fit whatever identity is expected of me, it becomes a crisis when I try to declare an identity outside of that, because I don’t really have a strong sense of any identity outside of what is expected of me. This makes me heavily conformist in my thinking and behavior, and I think I’ll be happy if I’m just another woman.
Sometimes I get worried that I am going through my transition too quickly, that if I were non-binary, I wouldn’t catch those subtleties. Being attracted to women complicates this as well, as a lot of the way we think about femininity gets wrapped up in sexual dynamics - I notice among cis lesbians the incorporation of masculine elements (sometimes it even seems some sapphic women have more masculine features outside of their gender expression!). I don’t feel like a butch, but being a sapphic femme can be confusing when you’re born in a male body, I feel different from straight women in subtle ways that can lead to “am I non-binary” kind of thinking.
I’m also getting older, and there is a part of me that feels like a lot of my self-doubting has nothing to do with the actual question or exploration of my identity. Instead, it has to do with the fears I have about transitioning. I’m ten months into taking HRT and there has never been a moment where I thought being a man is preferable, nor where I thought a non-binary identity seemed affirming. I don’t like being gender-ambiguous or being able to be perceived as either gender, it’s clear that I think being a woman is the best, and so I use that as my North star.
Anyway, I need to work on self-construction and affirmation more, because I think you’re right that it would probably help with my doubt issue.
Thank you as always for your wisdom. ❤️
For what it’s worth, I’m a late transitioning trans woman that speed ran my transition and has a semi antagonistic relationship with femininity.
Nearly 8 years in, I still wonder if I’d identify on the binary if I’d have been born a generation or two later than I was. I still don’t really understand my sexuality and romantic attractions.
All I can tell you though is that even without all of the answers, I’m more me than I’ve ever been :)