Like for example, people who’ll ask how you are like 5 times in a conversation or make it about the weather. Things you know will last 2 minutes at best.
I’m asking for examples and answers. Not a stupid debate, here. Why are we complicating this?
The examples you gave seem more like conversation starters (how are you, the weather) rather than signs that the conversation will be boring. When I think of boring conversation, I think more about people who only talk about themselves or go on long tangents about things you don’t care about
100% agree. “Boring” intros like the weather are just a way of getting some words going back and forth with a universally uncontroversial topic. And sometimes just commiserating or bantering about something low stakes is nice when getting to know someone brand new.
I can even tolerate topics I don’t care about, as long as the other person is able to share their knowledge and passion in a way that makes you feel “talked to” instead of “talked at”.
People who just seem to want a passive receptacle for their blathering are the most boring conversations IMO.
If your best examples of boring conversations are people talking about the weather, it’s you who’s having the boring conversations mate. That’s a pretty standard opening, your supposed to branch away from that one pretty quick.
Asking about the weather is a standard opening conversation in some countries, mainly British or countries formerly British. Is a cultural thing.
In other cultures is not that common and in some cultures is very uncommon. For example, as a south American, it is strange for people to start a conversation about the weather.
Huh, I had no idea, I had assumed it was universal up until now. How do people start conversations in south American countries?
Casual conversation revolves about football mainly… At least for males.
It probably has to do with your local climate. I’m assuming you’re in a warm country year round? In a temperate climate with variability you might be more likely to talk about it.
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You might wanna get diagnosed.
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The previous commenters are correct though. Small talk is a jumping off point for other topics of conversation.
Sorry mate, it’s all this weather we’ve been having. It’s pretty crazy out there, huh?
But seriously, the irony of asking about boring conversations and then explicitly stating that someone is derailing a conversation is just so tasty.
In the nicest possible way, this is a skill issue. Get better at having conversations.
As someone willing to admit it is a skill issue, how the fuck do you learn to talk to people?? I have no fuckin clue man.
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Practice practice practice. I spent two semesters in undergrad sitting at random peoples tables and striking up conversations with them. Get over your anxiety about being disliked. The worst you will do is leave someone with a moderately awkward experience, and you will never ever see them again.
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Make a conscious decision to put your phone away and attempt to connect in public spaces. Technology has made it so that even the smallest inconvenience can be avoided easily. Learning to small talk is going to be a hell of a lot more worse than an inconvenience. You have to get comfortable with the idea that you will be acutely aware that you suck the first dozen times that you do it.
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Active listening. Get people talking with an easy question to expound upon, then pay attention to the answers and ask them to elaborate on anything they mention in passing, ideally things you find interesting. “Tell me more” is your biggest friend here.
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“Yes and”, not “No, but”. Agree, emphasize, respond, empathize. If they say something, totally repulsive, try to deflect to something else rather than actively confront.
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Open ended questions are your best friend. If the question you’re formulating can be answered with yes/no, rephrase it into something that invites explanation.
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When you have struck gold, stop looking. Let people talk about things they wanted to talk about. As you do this more and more you’ll start getting a sense for when they’re running out of things to say vs when they want to continue but are concerned they’re talking too much. For the former, go back to step 3 and ask them about something else they mentioned. For the latter, learn the methods for communicating your interest. Eye contact, an open posture, a micro-smile, tilted head, all communicate that you are engaged and listening. The secret sauce here, though, is to just repeat the last couple of words they said back to them. It’s like magic.
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Unlike OP, you’ve just demonstrated a fantastic triat; humility.
Half of being good conversation is being someone people want to talk to. Nobody likes talking to an asshole, even if their thoughts are interesting.
Another tip in addition to the other reply is to practice using therapy talk. Not enough people qualify their statements correctly and it can come off in any number of ways, including preachy, condescending or firm.
I could say “Trump is a criminal” it might come off as very opinionated which some people don’t like, even if they agree with you - it’s just not a very likable personal quality.
But if I say “I’m convinced Trump broke the law” it comes off a lot less assertive. You’re merely stating what you think while also creating the impression that your opinion is tentative. If someone disagrees with you, they’re more likely to explore the reasons in detail, as opposed to defaulting to an argumentative position.
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the speaker repeats themself
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the speaker doesn’t leave room for others to speak
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the listener doesn’t react to jokes
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the listener is just waiting for their turn to talk
I hate number 2 and 4 and I admit that behavior is usually trouble.
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Oh come on. It’s hard to get a conversation going. A lot of people may start to talk about the weather, and it may lead somewhere else. Also take your own responsibility for the talk… You can’t expect people to just come up with brilliant topics without when knowing you.
I think one mistake people make is that they disqualify others too quickly. Good relationships takes weeks and months to develop. I don’t remember the first conversations in any of those relationships because they don’t matter.
I agree. I’m autistic and I spent a long time learning basic conversation skills. However, what I had gotten good at was trite and boring small talk, a meandering rally of nothingness. For a while, I thought that this was it, and I became quite isolated because it didn’t feel worth it to engage with most people.
A few years ago, I discovered a whole new “skill tier” of conversation skills: finding “leads” that may lead to levelling up a conversation. Finding those routes through to talking about things that both people find interesting, things that build friendships. I was lucky to meet people who were very much on my wavelength who helped me to build these new skills, and now I’m aware of it, I wonder how many people I discounted prematurely because I wasn’t giving them much to go on or I missed some cues from them.
Here’s where I wish I could share my one neat trick to people struggling with the same issue, but as you say, it’s hard to do. I think it’s important to acknowledge that it’s hard, and that sometimes forming connections is about luck in the circumstances.
Exactly, once you discover that hidden skill tier, it’s like realizing how you do to keep a conversation going.
It is going to be hard, which is why people have a hard time coming up with something interesting just like that. Need to find that hidden skill tier.
Often it takes quite few bad conversations first, because you have to see what works with that person. But don’t stop trying. :)
The best way to avoid boring conversations is to create an interesting conversation. You need to be the one to make it interesting by asking interesting questions and telling interesting stories. You’d be surprised how many people unconsciously just match the energy of the person they’re talking to
They start talking about anything sports related. Which sports team scored more sports points, which player is sporting better than another, etc. Just shoot me in the head, that just drones on and on and I couldn’t care less if I tried
To me personally, it’s when the speaker clearly has no interest in the topic but still talks about it anyway for some reason (meetings, presentations etc.). In all honesty, I could listen to people who talk about a topic they’re passionate about for literal hours even if I don’t understand anything they say, but as soon as someone drones on about something they don’t actually like in a “I’m expected to say this so just get this over with” kind of way, my brain shuts off - even if it’s a topic I would normally enjoy hearing about.
You can make any topic interesting with the correct approach.
For example, a few years ago I was talking about how much it had been raining, and how we could expect a lot more because of the southern oscillation just started. My friend didn’t know about La Nina or El Nino so I explained it briefly, and why it’s also partially responsible for things like bushfires. We probably talked about it for half an hour or more.
Sometimes I talk about my hobbies with my family, which aren’t always particular topics of interest for them, but you sometimes need something to keep things going. It’s a tricky dance between being nuanced and being relevant, but the point is to give them something to segue into if they’ve got nothing at the time.
For example, I might be talking with my Dad about a game I’ve been playing which he hasn’t heard of. I tell him it’s an RPG, which he doesn’t like, but then I mention its SciFi, similar to Mass Effect. That’s when he mentions he saw the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Cool, we just switched tracks.
So I guess my answer is: a good hint a conversation will be boring is when there is an expectation it will be. Both people are responsible for making it work.
I mean, off the top of my head, probably something like, “I’m asking for examples and answers. Not a stupid debate, here. Why are we complicating this?”
Really shows the person only wants to have a conversation on their terms and isn’t actually interested in listening. Bad listeners are the worst, might as well have a convo with a brick wall.
Usually when I can tell someone has a compulsion to talk.
When the person only wants to discuss work I know I’m about to be stuck in a boring dead-end conversation, especially when it’s either the weekend or we’re not in a work or professional setting
