I have occasional bathroom issues caused by food sensitivities (damn your delicious yet toxic nature, nacho cheese).
These bathroom issues involves pooping a bunch of times in one day. The frequent pooping and wiping severely irritate my poor butthole, aggravating hemorrhoids and anal fissures.
I know lots of people around here swear by the miracle of bidets, but before I start shopping around, I’m wondering if there are any naysayers out there who just don’t like bidets, along with why that’s the case.
Bonus question: how do I use a bidet? Most of the instructions I’ve found are a bit delicate about the details. Anyone want to give me a detailed description of how and what to do?
My swollen, bloody anus thanks you.
I’ve got me some IBS, and have had a raw asshole on several occasions from the multi-poops.
Got a cold water model off Amazon for under $100, and love it. Not too much of a pain to install, and once it’s set it works great.
How I Use It
I lean forward so the cheeks open up like a delicate flower, then I turn the knob until I get a nice steady firehose blasting my asshole. I then shift my weight so the water runs along my crack, power washing each side in turn, then return to center for a final rinse of the dirty mud hole. If my butt’s a tingling from my unholy addiction to hot peppers, I might linger a bit to let the cool water soothe the pain, before finally turning off the water.
After a few seconds of dripping, it’s time for the paper. Grab a sheet or two and give a wipe, see if there’s any residue left. If so, keep wiping till it’s gone as usual, but using like 1/3 the paper you’d normally use for the same job. Now there’s no more raw asshole unless I get the shits at work and have to wipe with the literal tree bark they call toilet paper.
Bidet poetry.
I try to wipe after bidet, and the paper disintegrates and sticks to my ass in a million pieces. What am I doing wrong?
Since you’ll be using way less TP overall, go for the nice thick 2-3 ply with ripples it’s worth the extra cost, especially since the main purpose of the TP is now drying off instead of cleaning up.
Once you become a bidet pro and feel confident in your ability to be squeaky clean each time (I’m not afraid to go in there with some soap as if I’m in the shower after a particularly messy movement) you can opt for cutting up old undies and using them as reusable/washable towels to dry off with and stop using toilet paper all together.
Might be your toilet paper. My wife and I have settled on the ruffled paper as the ideal balance between softness and durability.
Get better toilet paper and/or use more sheets.
Removed by mod
I can only think of 2 downsides to our bidet:
- Ours attaches to a regular toilet, and it does make it harder to clean particularly around the jet mechanism. Someone needs to invent a bidet for cleaning bidets.
- Going anyplace without one now makes me hate life.
Downside #3: my asshole is now too soft and coddled, so it gets irritated and raw super easy when I do have to use TP for an extended period
Yep! And boy does it take a bit for the hemorrhoids to calm back down. Pretty much need to go on any trips with the hemorrhoid wipes.
You use the bidet instead and not after? 😲
I spray mine with scrubbing bubbles once a day and walk away. If you do this daily, it will stay clean.
Google Italian bidet
so confusing reading bidet and is a totally different thing from what i have in the bathroom
how do I use a bidet?
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After pooping, you continue to sit on the toilet.
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You turn the knob on the bidet handle.
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The stream sprays the shit flecks off your asshole, they go down into toilet.
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Then you use a tiny portion of the TP you are accustomed to use to dry the whole situation.
Alternatively, if your bidet has the strength and you’re manly enough not to be confused by getting ass fucked every day, loosen up a bit and let the mighty Poseidon fuck your ass, then push the water [and the extra poop] out once you feel the water mounting up. Repeat a few times, then tighten back up for the wiping shot.
Warning: this can make your anal muscles lazy, and it’s admittedly taboo to get ass fucked by your bidet, but I’ll swear by it until the day someone tells me it causes cancer, and then I’ll keep swearing by it until I get cancer.
I mean…I started out getting buttfucked by my bidet and now I’m leaning hard into being bisexual.
This is interesting. I started out getting butt fucked by men, and now I’m very bidet-curious (because it might make it easier and more convenient to get butt fucked by men).
As someone who doesn’t get butt fucked by men, I think it WOULD be convenient; it’s a great and quick douching solution. I do think bidet water pressure and even positioning/toilet shape play a big role here, though, so do keep that in mind. I’ve installed a bunch of them in other bathrooms for friends and family and haven’t gotten as ass fucked by those as by the one in my own bathroom.
… sometimes I forget that comments on lemmy aren’t like reddit. I’m not just saying things into a void here, and people might actually see it. Lol. Now I’m embarrassed, but also very appreciative of the information!
Forget the gay agenda, beware the bisexual bidet
So…you ass gargle? I am greatly amused, mildly curious and slightly horrified all at once.
The horror fades away and the glory of a clean and sophisticated ass overcomes all.
All except weak rectal muscles apparently lol
this can make your anal muscles lazy
Do you have a source on this one?
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You sit down. You turn on the spray of water. You shift around a little bit to wash around your anus. You turn the water off. You dry yourself (this also serves as an “insurance wipe” to find any shit that wasn’t washed off). That’s it.
A bidet will not cause pain if used appropriately. Toilet paper wiping is much more rough, especially when it takes 5 or 6 passes.
5 or 6? Those are rookie numbers.
They call him The Sharpie
Don’t stop til you see the flag of Japan.
Loving the clear, graphic answers in here, so can I piggyback on this to ask a question for vagina owning bidet users please:
How do you use it so it doesn’t sploosh poo bacteria into your vagina? Doesn’t the water trickle down into your bits?
Don’t have any links, but about a year ago a saw an article about a study on bidets and genital bacteria and bidet users with vaginas were found to have higher fecal bacterial counts.
Ewwww. I think I’d need to look into that more before trying one.
That’s a different one I think but similar.
I can provide you the answer my partner gave me to the same question. The bidet provides water with a direction to it. You wash front to back, so all the material is lifted and pushed further away from the vulva and only fresh clean water arrives at the vulva itself. Also, as in chemistry, dilution is the solution, as you are washing less and less undesirable material left and the water runs cleaner and cleaner. So take extra time, wash front to back, and do multiple slow passes.
So, sit on it backwards?
For handheld bidets or the hose attachment this applies, the ones where it is fixed have much more flow and deal with the problem that way. That said, I’ve never used one of those so I can’t say.
Ah! Thanks for this. I didn’t know about the water direction. This makes sense now.
You have to angle your body such that the water drips straight down and not toward the front. It requires some practice to get the hang of.
How much practice? I’m not very good at practicing. If something is a faff I’m liable to give up quickly, particularly if it’s something that could be icky.
You can probably get it down in one sitting. Just make sure you can get the angle right before actually going so you don’t end up with an infection.
Unless you’re lying facedown on the toilet, it will need to trickle UP into your bits.
When you’re sitting the arse sits a bit above the vulva, height wise. Just didn’t like the idea of water trickling poo down between my flaps, where it could then get into the vagina.
I am not a naysayer so I cant answer that part of your question, but as for what I do with our bidet: theres a little knob that I turn that starts the water spray at my butt, sometimes I might have to adjust the way Im sitting for it to hit the right area. For regular poops I spray for only a few seconds, but for gnarly ones I might do 10-20 seconds with some moving around to cover the whole area. Once I consider myself sprayed, I grab a few squares of TP and wipe to dry. Flush, wash hands, done
Yes, this is the procedure. I would miss my bidet if it went away. And the cold water doesn’t bother me–it’s rather bracing and refreshing!
The only thing I would change about mine is that I wish I could fine-tune the pressure dial. There’s a very small range between “OFF” and “FIREHOSE”–but I have the basic, entry-level model.
The knob can also control the strength of the stream; if I recall correctly, digital bidets’ (the kind with warming and a whole set of buttons) spray strength options are more discrete. Maximum intensity is too much for me, but if you have an analog bidet, then turning the knob only a little and adjusting the way I sit as needed is quite effective.
I truly don’t want to meet the person with the butthole than can withstand my bidet’s max stream. Mine has like 7+ dots to mark intensity and I can barely go to 2 and I feel like I’ll start striping skin anything higher. Idk maybe it’s for hairy butts?? If so then I understand, but that pressure on raw hole is scary.
I can’t believe I’m saying all this on the internet but here it goes.
I have TONS of food sensitivities, and IBS-C (mostly). Needless to say, I see the toilet a fair amount. I can’t believe I’m posting this. lol.
Pre bidet, things got tender, fissures, hemorrhoids, bleeding, etc were all pretty common. Post bidet, like never, or at least very rarely. I have to something incredibly stupid for any major issues now.
I got one of the expensive ones that has heated seat, deodorizer, heated water with multiple temp settings, multiple spray options, dryer (takes too long), etc. it wasn’t cheap. Every time I have to use the toilet in the wild, it’s terrible.
We went on vacation a while ago, and that whole week was rough. Never felt clean, and my rear was definitely sorer than when at home.
Basically, totally worth every penny. I can never go back.
To answer the bonus question, it will partly depend on the budget you get. If you get a manual one, it has a lever to move the water flow around. If it doesn’t, you just wiggle around a bit, to get the water where you want it. If you get one of the expensive ones, with a moving water nozzle, it does the bulk of the work for you, but you may still have to wiggle a little to get everywhere.
Once the water has washed everything away, you can either wait to drip dry, or if your bidet has a dryer you can use that, but typically I just take like 4-5 squares of TP to dry off. I use WAY less TP than ever.
Depending on the bidet you get, be ready for needing to get some conversion hardware to install it. The kohler one I got, didn’t have the correct fittings for standard American plumbing (doesn’t make a lot of sense but Home Depot guy already knew exactly what was going on and said it was super common).
I can answer any other specific questions you have too. Just ask.
I have 2 in my home, one is the fancy one (not that fancy but 200 bucks from Costco on sale) the other is basic. Fancy one I feel like anyone would love, seat is warmed a little on cold mornings, has a heated tank for a perfectly gentle temperature, can adjust pressure and position (forward or back), can have a gentle pulse for extra cleaning assistance, and a dryer. The basic one is unheated and has a pressure knob that can go from gentle all the way up to blast you off the toilet, and you have to adjust yourself to the right spot. If you’re willing to spend more for the nice options and have an outlet close enough to your toilet you’ll likely be very happy. The basic one I’m very happy to use if the other is inaccessible and took some getting used to but still miles better than nothing. I never feel clean without a bidet anymore.
HOW does the fancy one adjust? Is it motorized so you can do it while sitting down, or you have to reach in there and adjust it then sit back down, then adjust, then sit back down and then adjust hoping that you finally got it right.
We got no outlets that are that close to the tank which kills any interest in me trying one out since having just cold water is pretty much a deal breaker in my opinion. I know I could wire one in there, but this is obviously more work.
It has a remote control, so you just tap the button for forward or back and it adjusts.
The answer is no, bidets are the best way to clean up. Humanity has been using bidets dramatically longer than toilet paper has existed
Naw I love high pressure ice water blasted deep into my anus
are there private clubs for that or something?
This, but not ironically. Okay, might be too strong a word but it’s very effective for thorough cleaning and you get used to it pretty quickly.
I bought a deluxe model($400) at the beginning of the pandemic and I’ve never looked back. The model I have has a seat warmer, internal water heater, fan for drying and a few different spraying options.
I will say the fan is a bit lackluster but dries you as long as you don’t mind waiting a few mins. The different spraying options are nice - there is one called turbo mode that can be a little harsh but def leaves your butthole clean!
I honestly have no regrets at all and I’m pretty spoiled at this point. Curious to see if there’s any haters that will chime in as well.
Fan for browsing Lemmy for a bit after doing the deed.
The only downside I can think of are firstly that the water pressure for an attachment one can be painful if you turn it up to fast at first if you haven’t gotten used to the knob. I did buy a cheap one without hot water at first but ended up buying another one with hot water as well. I’d be fine with the only cold water one, it’s still 1000x better than toilet paper, but the hot water is nice in the winter. It’s also annoying to clean around somewhat.
I guess I don’t really fit the description in your title though, those are the downsides I can think of with mine though, also mine were the bidet attachments, not a full bidet.
Check out the Toto Washlet - they have heated seats but are $$$ though
It feels really uncomfortable, to the extreme. Theres no pain, but it feels wrong.
I bought a cheap one a while back, and I didn’t like it. It was not a heated model, and I did not enjoy cold water spraying on my butt, especially in the winter.
At the time, I also had some painful anal issues that I was dealing with. The water pressure on mine felt quite strong and was painful for me.
I ended up switching to wipes, and they have worked wonderfully for me.
I’ll echo the issues with too much water pressure on really cheap bidets. My first one was like a butt hole pressure washer. My second one was more expensive with a tank at the back. Unfortunately, that combined with a rounded toilet didn’t leave enough space for sitting. The ones I have now are all Tooshies. I got the ones that can combine hot and cold water, but I only have a hot water hookup for one because I would need to poke holes.
This has been my experience. Found the bidet painful and stopped using it.
I don’t mind bidets, though I’ve never installed one, since I can’t imagine they’d be fun to clean.
Here’s the thing, though…I have a system I consider superior to a bidet in pretty much every way. See, I noticed a long time ago that I poop somewhere between 0.9 and 1.1 times per day on average, and I aim to shower at least once per day. I don’t know about you, but I noticed a certain opportunity for synergy there. I call it the PoopShower system (patent pending), and after many years of using it, I don’t feel adequately clean even after using a bidet. So my personal ranking is: PoopShower, (looooong gap), bidet, TP, newspaper, leaves.
You waffle stomp?!
Not op, but I believe their system involves pooping in the toilet followed by normal wiping and then a full shower. Most of the bulk should end up in the toilet, rendering any stomping unnecessary.
👆👆👆
Still the funniest word picture the internet has created.
I feel like this is more common than people are willing to admit. Thank you for being brave enough to admit what many of us never have before. This is 100% the best method, especially if you have the “hose/faucet” setting on your shower head.
I like to shower after I poop, but the timing doesn’t always line up appropriately, especially if you happen to be a bit ill like OP.
And even when the stars align, I still want to use toilet paper first to get the worst of it off.
Definitely TP before shower.
And I dunno. occasionally the timing doesn’t line up, but the vast majority of the time…I can just wait.
