I am so tired of worrying about work. I’m talented in my field (cybersecurity), I’ve come up with some pretty amazing solutions, I’ve maintained excellent working relationships with people that matter. I did all the things you’re supposed to. I went to graduate school, got a degree that directly relates to my work, even went the extra mile and got an extended degree with a focus in law and digital forensics. That added almost a solid year to my five years in grad school. I gave up nights, weekends, family gatherings, time with my then infant sons. I busted my ass and made the most of it. I’ve hunted down good jobs, worked my ass off, given my all on so many occasions. First time I got stung was in the middle of a huge all-weekend technology migration that I organized for over 100 people, my then boss told me that the company who had promised to hire me off of my contract had decided not to. I broke my back turning that whole effort in and he sat there on a sunday night in a conference room now that it was mostly over and said “sorry dude”. Fuck you Phil.
Back to the streets, I worked my contacts and got myself a really good spot at a giant bank. Was going to be the big step in my career. I worked my ass off in there, fought off people who wanted to take my work away, tell me that they could all do it better. Got myself worked into a leadership position and then the rug came out. The boss who brought me over because he saw that I could make shit happen picked a fight with his boss (long time coming) and got fired. I don’t blame him, his boss was a massive piece of shit, cheating on his dying-of-cancer wife. However that meant I got a new boss who was a fucking piece of ginger shit with some serious small dick energy. Most insecure asshole I’d ever met. I had to leave because I just could not get along with this cunt, so I found myself something not as good, but paid better. The ginger cunt went on to the c-suite and claimed my work as his own, even gave himself an award (literally) and bragged about it on LinkedIn.
New job is kinda crap, but it pays well enough. New boss is crazy, but thankfully quits. Next boss is a coworker, I was not told that he took the spot until long after it happened. He gave me a shit rating because ???, no bonus, no raise, fuck you scummy Russian asshole. He also quits (good fucking riddance) and for a moment, I have a boss who actually gives a shit about me. Dave was a good guy. I left the company because I wasn’t going anywhere, six years in the same seat doing the same shit every day, enough is enough.
Next job is supposed to be the hotness. I am stupid and have no idea that private equity is horrible, but I believe the hype that they’re going to take the new company public and we’re all gonna hit it. I bust ass, hire people left and right, bring in people I’ve worked with for years, talented people who are loyal and good. Boss is a fucking rockstar and I’m awed with how smart he is. For the first time, I felt like the dumb kid in class, and it was a good thing as I needed a reality check. Learned a lot, grew a lot and uh-oh, boss is now sick. He disappears and new boss steps in. Same as always, new boss is a piece of shit (do we really have this many assholes in the world?!). Makes unreasonable demands, lies, makes promises he never keeps and then the worst. He fires me, almost all of my team and some other people just so it doesn’t look like he ONLY fired brown people. That shit hurt.
I bounce back, find a new job in somewhat reasonable time, I had some severance so I never really had to go without a paycheck. It was close, but I got the next thing lined up and ready. Next thing is great. Guys who hire me are older, mature, calm, patient. They want to do things right. We start building the team from nothing. I’m hiring like mad, same as before, I bring in my trusted people because they’re loyal and they bust their asses when needed. All of a sudden (take a fucking guess) old boss is replaced by new boss. Things are fine for a while, I figure maybe it will be ok after all. Nope, new company is now sold to bigger company and I’m fucking out again “this is financial, nothing to do with you”. Means very little when you’re ass out in a fucking dogshit economy.
So here I am, got a few weeks before short severance runs out. The only prospect I had going just said no. I have one more interview at the end of the month right before I’m out of severance. No other prospects, all of my contacts are coming up empty handed. I spend about four hours a day applying, networking, cold-calling new people, hitting any recruiter with a pulse, anything to find the next thing.
I’m so fucking sick of this. At one point, I thought I could crack the c-suite. Now I’m so goddamn beat up, I’d be happy if I didn’t have to go looking for work every other year. I have no hope of ever getting to the top, I now realize that such jobs are only for those with rich parents, connections or the odd longshot by the underdog (though they will get fired soon enough). Rich people only want other rich people sitting next to them. I grew up ass-poor, and any connections I have are only from working, no daddy, no rich uncle or any of that. I don’t need a fucking 2nd home, I don’t need a goddamn Porsche. I buy my cars used and I fix my own home. I’m not wasting my money on expensive clothes, bullshit electronics or any of that. I’m not looking for the pot of gold, I just want some stability and predictability, MAYBE the chance of retiring before 75.
I’m tired y’all, I just am.
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Sorry you found yourself in this situation. I hope it gets better for you sooner rather than later. And to comment on one of your questions: “do we really have this many assholes in the world?!” Man, do we ever.
You do not get rich with hardwork and a degree… You get rich by stealing and taking the works of others and claim it for yourself ! Keep in mind they just want you to get enough money to keep your head out of the waters.
I wish and hope you will find some ease of mind and keep it up. You can’t take down such a system alone but you can quietly and discretely fuck it up, one stone at a time ! Be the change you wish to see in the world.
You speak truth. My way to quietly fuck up this system has been to hire good people, not assholes. I pay them as well as I can get away with, I treat them well. I never yell at my staff, I show them what I want and I make things clear. I refuse to believe that work has to be this miserable and I encouraged all of my people to do the same. The managers I hired to run other teams also worked this way so that anyone throughout my organization were treated well. I had ONE fellow quit in the last year but that was only because someone offered him a fat pile of money. Otherwise my retention rate was damn near 100% which is unheard of in cyber.
I genuinely love the people that work for me. Yes that sounds crazy, but after a lot of reading, thinking and soul-searching, I’m comfortable with saying that directly to the people I work with. I do not use that term in a watered-down way, I mean it in the same way that I would use it to describe one of my (actual) brothers. I don’t weird people out by saying “thanks I love you” at the end of 1:1 calls, but I do say it to the entire team. I see what they do, I see how hard they work, I see the sacrifices they make when they get called out for an off-hours incident. I know how hard that shit is because I’ve been in their shoes, I know what it’s like getting a stupid automated system calling you at 2AM because something just blew up. Hell, even though I lead the teams, I still get calls like that, but it’s usually one of the team calling me in because they’re in over their head and some other boss is chewing their ass. I join those meetings and swat down the assholes, refocus on getting shit fixed.
I told them constantly that I appreciate everything they do. I had so few opportunities to put my money where my mouth is because of the imposition of so much bullshit. Bonus or merit increase time, these companies love to wrap it all in so many fucking dumb rules, it makes it impossible to reward people as they actually deserve. I typically get a bonus pool and a merit increase pool. Both are fucking tiny. The cunts in HR host a useless call describing how we should cut it up and no matter what company I work for, they all do the same thing. They put the burden on us and say stuff like “you should reward your high performers” so that we’re forced to fuck anyone who doesn’t qualify. However, when we’re hiring, they tell us “only hire high performers”. I hire quality people and I don’t bring in people who aren’t worthwhile–so now I’m sticking excellent people under the bell curve because some useless HR drone who doesn’t know shit about shit has decided this for me. If I were to cut the pie evenly, everybody gets dogshit for increases. Try telling your staff something like “well, you got fucked this year, but next year, I’ll pay you back and fuck someone else”.
Maybe I’ll just buy myself a hotdog cart and sell drugs out of it, might be more steady and less risky.
And the “best” part? I’ve sometimes checked what happened to the godawful bosses that literally bankrupted promising companies and were all kinds of incompetent assholes… well, they got into bigger and bigger companies! I’m sure they’re doing stellar job there too… why would they otherwise be paid big bucks? We’re playing a rigged game and pretending it makes sense… and we’re supposed to accept that that’s “just how the world works”.
Godspeed friend.
I arrived at the Cybersecurity gate far too late. Have a dusty degree with nothing else to give it value.
