Yeah, maybe this is just an old guy who’s been married for a while’s opinion, but I don’t think you need some mind blowing questions to get to know someone. You can start off with “what are you doing around here” and then look for connections to build up on
As someone who also never had to deal with apps, I believe they have to be creative just to stand out. For most of these people, this is all this generation has used, and being mundane and boring is just 1 of like 10 things guys have to pass just to possibly get a date these days. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to use an app because I couldn’t handle being rejected 100 times without ever even knowing why.
I’ve seen a few YouTube videos where guys tried an experiment. They had a girl they knew try using a fake setup profile where the guy even looks very good and see how many dates a woman can get using it over either a few weeks or a month. By the end, all the women had a way more sympathetic towards what men have to go through. The number of times just being ghosted mid conversation was staggering, and even they were confused as to why it happened so frequently.
Yeah, these strike me as “opening” questions. You ask easy, inoffensive, open-ended questions to get some information to start building an actual conversation around. I’d generally read the terse, information-poor responses as a lack of interest in a conversation.
Many people have a poor understanding of human communication and say things like “I don’t do small talk”. They don’t seem to understand that you use small talk (eg: what did you do this weekend?) to launch into more personal talk (eg: “I saw this doom metal band The Well play at so-and-so bar. So good! Do you like metal?”)
Sometimes people do like the grey text here and answer small talk questions in short, dead end, ways, and unless you’re trying to kill the conversation that’s probably self sabotage.
i’m autistic and find small talk almost physically exhausting, but holy shit it’s another level of insanity to not push through it if you’re actively looking for a partner
You don’t. Trying anyway and risking being a creep is what will make some women hate you and others love you. This is how assortative matching works. But if everything you say is inoffensive to everyone, then you will always be boring and will therefore never line up dates.
Like, this is Lemmy, so I’ll use this example. If you put the fact that you are a communist in your datinf profile, the vast majority of women will think that is super cringy edgelord shit, and you’re an idiot. (And I cannot overstate this - the vast, vast majority of women). But some women will think “omg, yesss!!! Finally a guy who gets it!!”.
Similarly, if you put “Looking for someone to tie up in the bedroom”, some women (fewer than the number who think communism is cringe, though) will call you a psycho rapist. But the rope bunnies out there will think “omg, yessss!!! Tie me up, daddy!!”
I see most profiles trying to be all things to all people.
You describe “success” well. When I was younger I played the game of averages. If nine girls thought I was a creep but the tenth was impressed that was fine. I would get a phone number most nights which resulted in a date.
But eventually this felt degrading for all concerned (especially for the nine) and it wasn’t leading to high quality dates. I finally saw simply getting laid as an inane goal.
No, this is genuinely correct. I guess if all you care about is getting laid it might be a detriment
Being yourself is the only way anything will ever work out long term. A relationship started by pretending to be someone else isn’t sustainable. If being yourself doesn’t let you click with anyone at all, maybe go see a therapist and work on yourself.
I mean, my lol was tongue in cheek. Of course, you should be genuine. But if you are genuinely a boring person, you should put effort into becoming a more interesting person. Then you can be both genuine and interesting.
Aren’t those types of questions how you get to know people? What are you saying is expected instead? I’ve been married since before tinder was a thing
Yeah, maybe this is just an old guy who’s been married for a while’s opinion, but I don’t think you need some mind blowing questions to get to know someone. You can start off with “what are you doing around here” and then look for connections to build up on
As someone who also never had to deal with apps, I believe they have to be creative just to stand out. For most of these people, this is all this generation has used, and being mundane and boring is just 1 of like 10 things guys have to pass just to possibly get a date these days. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to use an app because I couldn’t handle being rejected 100 times without ever even knowing why.
I’ve seen a few YouTube videos where guys tried an experiment. They had a girl they knew try using a fake setup profile where the guy even looks very good and see how many dates a woman can get using it over either a few weeks or a month. By the end, all the women had a way more sympathetic towards what men have to go through. The number of times just being ghosted mid conversation was staggering, and even they were confused as to why it happened so frequently.
Yeah, these strike me as “opening” questions. You ask easy, inoffensive, open-ended questions to get some information to start building an actual conversation around. I’d generally read the terse, information-poor responses as a lack of interest in a conversation.
Many people have a poor understanding of human communication and say things like “I don’t do small talk”. They don’t seem to understand that you use small talk (eg: what did you do this weekend?) to launch into more personal talk (eg: “I saw this doom metal band The Well play at so-and-so bar. So good! Do you like metal?”)
Sometimes people do like the grey text here and answer small talk questions in short, dead end, ways, and unless you’re trying to kill the conversation that’s probably self sabotage.
i’m autistic and find small talk almost physically exhausting, but holy shit it’s another level of insanity to not push through it if you’re actively looking for a partner
You’re on a dating app. You’re supposed to be fun and flirty.
How do you know what someone will find fun and flirty as opposed to creepy and desperate if you don’t know anything about them?
depends on how well you follow the first two rules
You don’t. Trying anyway and risking being a creep is what will make some women hate you and others love you. This is how assortative matching works. But if everything you say is inoffensive to everyone, then you will always be boring and will therefore never line up dates.
Like, this is Lemmy, so I’ll use this example. If you put the fact that you are a communist in your datinf profile, the vast majority of women will think that is super cringy edgelord shit, and you’re an idiot. (And I cannot overstate this - the vast, vast majority of women). But some women will think “omg, yesss!!! Finally a guy who gets it!!”.
Similarly, if you put “Looking for someone to tie up in the bedroom”, some women (fewer than the number who think communism is cringe, though) will call you a psycho rapist. But the rope bunnies out there will think “omg, yessss!!! Tie me up, daddy!!”
I see most profiles trying to be all things to all people.
You describe “success” well. When I was younger I played the game of averages. If nine girls thought I was a creep but the tenth was impressed that was fine. I would get a phone number most nights which resulted in a date.
But eventually this felt degrading for all concerned (especially for the nine) and it wasn’t leading to high quality dates. I finally saw simply getting laid as an inane goal.
No you’re supposed to be yourself.
lol
No, this is genuinely correct. I guess if all you care about is getting laid it might be a detriment
Being yourself is the only way anything will ever work out long term. A relationship started by pretending to be someone else isn’t sustainable. If being yourself doesn’t let you click with anyone at all, maybe go see a therapist and work on yourself.
Or focus on getting love from community rather than romance. Our culture unfortunately only focuses on the latter because it drives the economy.
on the other hand, it’s also valid to just have an innate need for romance
I mean, my lol was tongue in cheek. Of course, you should be genuine. But if you are genuinely a boring person, you should put effort into becoming a more interesting person. Then you can be both genuine and interesting.
Or you might be wanting to find someone with compatible interests. OK probably not on Tinder.