Yesterday was upsetting. I’m done spending 2+ hours typing comments. It’s literally not good for my psyche to spend this much time focusing on this site, this problem. It’s amounting to its own internal issue for me.

Right now this site is acting like a Demon Pit for my Gender Thoughts that spits them back out as terrible monsters meant to horrify me.

I thought talking would make it better. It has not. I thought I could make friends by being genuine. I have not. I’m surprised that you all are so comfortable with someone getting worked up this often, if I’m being honest.

There’s probably some other thread where you all exchange Cool Trans Secrets anyway. It is what it is. I’m not worthy.

As someone early in their transition, I am filled to the brim with questions and concerns and thoughts about gender and sexuality. I don’t know if this is normal. I’ve been single for years, no sex life to speak of. I’m a blank slate, I am so eager to learn.

But you all make me feel like I should keep these things to myself. There’s no discussion to be had, I guess. I should just read old Reddit threads where someone else describes what I’m talking about.

I’m putting a few ventilations in one comment. I literally have to limit my screen time or else I’ll post all day until I get a response. This isn’t how I wanted to be. People can stop this by helping.

It’s frustrating dealing with gender envy with one of my friends’ girlfriend. Her fashion, the stuff she posts is very much my vibe.

So it’s weird because she graduated, I don’t see her anymore, but the connections are mutual enough that I’m just aware of this person and have no idea how to have friendship, or even a conversation with her.

I think I’d faint if she talked to me. I know that’s pathetic. I feel this way about a percentage of the women I go to school with. It’s envy, attraction, then shame, then I am invisible. Like a woman would laugh me out of the room for thinking I could ever look like her, be like her.

It’s hard. I shut down because I’m like, “well she sees me as a guy, and she has a boyfriend, so she probably isn’t going to want to talk to me because she sees me as a guy so she assumes I’m a horndog because straight men only reallybefriend women for sex and I’m not a man so I don’t know how to befriend women”

I think we could’ve been friends. Unless she’s still in town it’s probably too late.

I just want for a woman or someone to teach me how to be more feminine. I’d be so willing to learn. I’m like a blank slate. I can barely function as a guy. I don’t know if anyone has ever been as ready as I am.

I’m also jealous of literally every couple I see. Any time I see two women especially I’m like “WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DO NOT” and I think this comes from the fact that I think people who are able to have friends and keep people around do know something that I don’t.

Like you, reading this, if you have someone you just casually text and don’t ever really wonder about the consistency of the back and forth, congrats, I’m jealous of your ability to keep people around. You are a social Adonis as far as I’m concerned.

If I’m out and I see two people, my mind is immediatelywondering how they know each other, how long they’ve been together, how much fun it must be to be together.

I mean it’s so obvious. If I were another person and I saw me I think I’d burst into tears. I wouldn’t believe that someone could be led so astray for so long, and I’d want to help.

Idk I think Hexbear is Jokerfying me. I just want to be a chill girlie with chill girlie friends. People are unkind about brain fog and dysphoria and rejection sensitivity though. I’m supposed to pull myself up, despite these things.

Like, my ideal friendship is with someone knows and understands all of this about me, and has their own plate of problems that I am learning about and accepting of as well. Friends stay aware of each other’s wellness so they can help each other grow. There is back and forth, sometimes I help them and sometimes they help me. But we communicate about it.

I really think if you’re too depressed to do something, a good friend (for me) is someone who is willing to step in to help. If you’re too anxious to go out, they ask if they can come over. They see you when you flounder and they ask, what can I do? I really think that. Sorry if it’s regarded, or petarded.

If this is intense, frankly I don’t understand “low-intensity” friendships. “we watch a sport and I go home and he goes home until next week” you’re describing a zoo enclosure nice try

It sucks to know that there are helper friends out there, and that I am a helper friend myself, and that there’s so much I would do for someone who just asked.

Like, teach me to ask. Teach me these things. I want to be like the normals. I would learn so willingly if someone would teach. You. Don’t. Understand.

Idk if you reach a certain point and you lose empathy for the eggs, or you become unwilling to engage, I don’t know if I’m perceived as a wrecker or just a confused boy.

I know that I feel the legitimacy of my problems. Whether you people are all secret friends with secret group chats or not, I know what I am experiencing every day, and that I need support from people who aren’t waiting to be convinced of my legitimacy.

something something it’s called the Left because they leave you to flounder

I don’t know how to initiate, I can say about two words before I either get brain fog or sentences like “you girl, can I be gender like you? I want to be in the friend way of it”

Like I will stand there and stare at the person until the interaction ends. I do not know what to say, frequently.

I have to call the therapist, which means I have to sit on the phone for hours. I really don’t want to. I can’t sit still that long.

I have to fill out job applications, which means they can call me back at any point, which means I need to be ready to answer. Which means I can’t do anything because I need to be prepared.

I hate this. My coping skills have only gotten worse. The more I think about all this stuff the more I just want to go smoke some weed and forget about it.

I keep thinking about disappearing. If just one person had stuck around when I first started talking about killing myself, then it wouldn’t be like this. I could’ve had a friend, support, gotten my life together.

Probably just getting high today Getting high helps me feel pretty

Finally looking at the local queer events and I once again have a bunch of conflicts

I once again ask, how the fuck and when the fuck am I supposed to be making friends

I really need there to be explicit “well, I guess that makes us friends” kinds of moments or, I shit you not, I will not make any inferences from the interaction. I’ll assume you meant well but would ultimately rather never see me again.

If you indicate that you will see me around, or express interest in future plans, that’s pretty clear too, although if we don’t set it up then, I don’t really know if you meant it. I myself don’t feel this agency in most situations, because I assume that the other person is more in the position to say “I like this person, the interaction shall continue”. Like I have less of an opinion, somehow, or less of a say?

I can’t do the lonely thing my whole life like some people can. This is gonna whittle me down.

Somehow I’m never in town for the queer meetups. If I didn’t know any better I’d assume they’re scheduling things when I can’t go, but it’s just a really annoying coincidence every time.

Gonna try again to find an in-person therapist. One place just has an intake form on their website, and it feels sketchy to fill it out and input all my info without like, talking to someone I guess?

I can also go through my university I’m pretty sure. It’s annoying because obviously there are resources, but they’re just elusive somehow? And there are queer people around but like, I just don’t see all that many events that appeal to me?

Other people appear to be meet up with people they already know. I don’t know a single other queer person on campus. I don’t see an obvious opportunity to meet people.

I also know that I’m fucking weird in that I’d be way more likely to go to more things if I had one person. I need to be made to socialize, frankly.

I’m using Tinder again because I don’t know where or how people meet around here. I want a relationship, but I also have zero friends, and I don’t know what I want or who I want to be when I’m in a relationship.

You’d think the more you post the more others would engage, but there’s probably something there that I’m missing too.

Somehow I’m never in town for the queer meetups. If I didn’t know any better I’d assume they’re scheduling things when I can’t go, but it’s just a really annoying coincidence every time.

Gonna try again to find an in-person therapist. One place just has an intake form on their website, and it feels sketchy to fill it out and input all my info without like, talking to someone I guess?

I can also go through my university I’m pretty sure. It’s annoying because obviously there are resources, but they’re just elusive somehow? And there are queer people around but like, I just don’t see all that many events that appeal to me?

Other people appear to be meet up with people they already know. I don’t know a single other queer person on campus. I don’t see an obvious opportunity to meet people.

I also know that I’m fucking weird in that I’d be way more likely to go to more things if I had one person. I need to be made to socialize, frankly.

I’m using Tinder again because I don’t know where or how people meet around here. I want a relationship, but I also have zero friends, and I don’t know what I want or who I want to be when I’m in a relationship.

I’m back in my apartment and getting adjusted to Adderall again! This week was rough, but I know next week will feel better.

I took it easy today and finally got around to shaving and using Nair as well. When I’m smooth I feel much more comfortable wearing tank tops, and I’m trying incorporate more of those and L/XL t-shirts.

All in all had a good week, was volunteering at my old school. Fun stuff!

Weddings are the most gendered thing ever so it’s just really a bad time, on top of being Adderall deprived. I don’t feel like a bride or a groom. But I also feel like the only person in the room who feels that way.

And then everyone talking about the wedding they were all at that I missed because I was dogsitting.

Damn, what if I just ate this wine glass?

just very overwhelmed. Wanted to have more energy this week but I suppose I’m just gonna try to push through to Saturday.

I feel like I’m coming unraveled. Somehow feeling even more isolated? Wasn’t really able to change that during pride month. Like, I’m botching this so hard.

I can barely focus and I have to be at this wedding in a suit and everyone just sees me as a guy so like, fuck.

Also I’ve been zoning out so I didn’t even get to do any skincare or shave or anything. But nobody knows, so nobody cares. Was anybody ever gonna call me pretty at this thing tomorrow?

I don’t know what’s normal to want. I think I get overlooked, I don’t necessarily think I’m seeing something that isn’t there. I fucking try and it’s been the same for years.

I just want girl friends to be pretty and cute with and go shopping and hang out with idk.