I’ve been thinking about this sense of being different from the average person. As if there’s this majority of people who, broadly speaking, form a fairly homogenous group - people who fit together naturally and for whom society is basically designed. And then there’s this smaller group who just don’t quite fit in. It’s like there’s this game we’re all supposed to be playing together, but some of us either aren’t that into the game or want to play it differently.
It’s easy to slip into that “everyone else is an NPC” kind of thinking, but maybe it’s just the result of comparing our inner experience to our external observations of others. It’s tempting to assume that someone with a spouse, a corporate job, a mortgage, a station wagon, a dog, and two and half kids is just living out a script - doing what’s expected - rather than living intentionally. But who’s to say they’re not struggling with the same existential questions as I am?
I think about my parents - about as normal as people get - and I recently asked if they feel normal. They said yes. When I mentioned my lifelong sense of being an outsider, my mom told me that she and my sister had once talked about something I’d done, and my sister had commented, “He’s so weird.” Strangely, that was comforting to hear. It’s not that I see being different as a bad thing - it’s more about that unanswerable question of whether I truly am different, or if I’ve just always felt that way.
Damn, that hit the mark. The most common adjective my parents used to describe me as a child in comparison to other children (so not things that they would say about all children they loved, like smart or kind or silly) was “adaptable,” and I really struggled with feeling very rigid as an adult. Looking back on it, I think I just didn’t know myself very well and couldn’t predict what would overwhelm me. Growing up has been a slow process of learning what does and does not occupy mental energy and how to maximize my spoons.
Edit: also regarding the pain thing: I’ve immigrated to Germany and learning how to complain has been both difficult and revelatory. I tend to consider myself happy and content up to about 70% pain/unpleasant feelings, which is… neither standard nor helpful. I frequently don’t realize that I’m hungry/thirsty/in need of a stretch or bathroom break until it causes problems. In trying to make conversation the way that Germans do, I started kvetching about things, which led to me noticing things that were bothersome. Like, I replaced my work shoes because I only realized they were uncomfortable because I mentioned them to customers. Plus, said customers gave me good advice on what shoes to get.
Interesting, I didn’t know the spoons. I’ve always thought of an energy bar like video game status.
Now I am at about 6 different energy bars. Still not fully figured out which it what applies where.
The fight against neurotypical expectations is real though and a massive issue.
If you want some book recommendations:
The (female) Autists by Clara Törnvall
A fields guide to Earthlings
The former is more a personal experience report and the latter a (dry) analysis from one Autist. I don’t see it the way he does fully and sometimes it’s too abstract but in general, yeah.
However there’s also the hard truth of “you’ll lose” at the end.