What these sounds mean, he thought, is: I am alive and so are you. And we’re all very worried that we might not be alive for much longer, so we’ll just keep talking, because that’s better than thinking.
- Truckers, Terry Pratchett
As an autism, I would prefer society to function more like a Japanese train. I do not want to be bothered with small talk.
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It’s now viewable. Why TF was this regionlocked
This lasts right until I learn that someone likes bugs. Then I just show them the most recent bug picture I have taken. So much less energy. So much less nerve-wracking. I want to show you my cool bug photos and I want to see your cool bug photos. We know what we’re about (we’re about sharing cool bug photos).
“ … and here I forgot an ampersand so the parameter was passed by value instead of by reference and I spent so much time …. Oh. You meant the other kind of bugs, didn’t you?”
I’m into cats, psychology and game development
do you have any bug pics on your computer
“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
“What have you been enjoying lately?”
Sleeping when I get home from work.
“Do you like slow days?”
No cause it means I have to work longer.
People typically give these sorts of responses when either (a) they are tired or (b) they can sense that you aren’t actually interested in them.
You should understand that a and b are interrelated, as almost no one is ever too tired to express how they are feeling to someone they trust.
The trick here is not to keep asking questions, but to empathize:
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
^ this “neutral” response is actually a polite negative.
“Yeah, tell me about it - my job’s boring as shit. At least it’s almost lunch time…”
Note that this doesn’t always work, and the person may just keep giving “blah” responses. That’s fine. You tried to connect. You tried to be interested. Accept their non-interest and try again with the next person. You will get better at being interested and empathizing with practice, and your increased care for others will become more apparent to others, generating better responses.
I hear you and honestly, those answers are exactly what most people would say. You are being honost and, honestly, most people aren’t naturals at this. It’s a learned skill, not a personality trait.
That said, small talk isn’t really about coming up with something you find interesting. It’s more about stepping a little outside your own head and giving the other person something to work with. It’s giving them permission to show you which direction they want the conversation to go.
Think of small talk like a nudge that invites someone else to open a door. It’s not supposed to feel profound to you at first! The goal is to offering a tiny thread for them to tug on. Some people don’t and that’s fine. Some do! Maybe they relate to hating work, maybe they tell you how they unwind, maybe they joke back. You don’t know and that is where things can be fun!
Today, saw a guy walking down the hallway where I was working. He had a shirt with a movie I recognized on it. I said “I love that shirt bud! Great movie!” He said “Aww thanks! I got it a few weeks back and…”
He ended up stopping and we chatted for a moment about the director and other films.
Now, he could have just nodded and walked past. That is fine! It wasn’t about my satisfaction! But when he bit and replied, I made a friend out of a stranger.
The skill is in giving the other person a starting point and then being curious about where they take it. That takes practice, especially when it doesn’t come naturally. It will feel awkward at first and may even be painful, but that is the same with all learned skills. Sucking at something is just the first step towards being sort of good at something. The more you do it, the more you start to notice small sparks you wouldn’t have seen before.
It’s not about you being interesting, it’s about being curious about other people and their interests. And that’s a skill anyone can strengthen, one low-pressure exchange at a time.
I think my problem is I can’t really practice smalltalk. My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on. I go out a lot and do a bit of volunteer work every now and then, but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
That’s a reasonable problem to have, but I think it is more created by your limiting beliefs than anything else.
My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on
Beginning or end of the day? During lunch? Even if you shoot the shit with just one person every day, that’s one more than you seem to be doing right now.
but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
This is a symptom of being chronically online. Older people talk to younger people all the time. Hell, older people date younger people all the time. People like to talk to people, and if there are people around, its not weird to talk to them regardless of their age. As someone approaching my mid-thirties, one of my favorite ways to talk to college-aged kids is to lean into our age difference and just be like “so what are you kids these days all into?” And if you are worried about being a creep, you can lean into that, too “Hey, I hope I’m not just being a total creep right now, but I was kinda bored and wanted to see what you kids are up to.”
Finally, you can make small talk with literally anyone who comes into your proximity during the day. People waiting for the bus with you, people just chillin in the park, grocery store checkout clerks. For example, say you are checking out at the grocery store.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
I’m doing good. You?
^ this is the stock response that is just acknowledging you exist. Follow up with something that indicates that you actually give a shit.
“Day going good so far?”
etc
Literally all I could say to any of this would be downer shit. That’s why I hate small talk. It’s just depressing and I feel like it makes me look bad.
People actually LOVE to complain to each other. Perhaps if you shared your downer shit, you could find lots of connection. Just be sure to dose the information in small bits, so that the other person has enough space to react and share their own depressiive stories.
Why would I want to just add more shit to what someone else is dealing with and then have theirs added to me? That would just leave us both more stressed out than ever.
People often vent that way. They need to hear they’re not alone in this shit - it makes them feel better.
It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like our situation is hopeless.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It still adds up to increasing connection, not decreasing it. The caveat is that the whole leaving room for the other person too is vital, it can’t be overwhelmingly one sided, good or ill.
The human condition includes depressive shit too, and no one is unique in capacity for suffering, only details. That’s still something to bond over.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It does me. You all are acting like I have no experience with this. Finding out other people are suffering the same as me doesn’t make me feel better about the situation. It makes it feel more hopeless.
Because people with problems in common often have solutions in common and then only one of you needs to have the answer. The whole person-climbs-down-into-the-hole-with-you story.
You’re definitely not the only one who feels that way. I actually love what some of the others pointed out to you here. People bond over frustrations, stress, annoyances, and “downer things” far more than we give them credit for. Shared struggle is one of the strongest human connectors.
But you’re also right that unloading everything at once would feel overwhelming, to you and them. The key is exactly what folks have said here: small doses.
Something like: “Honestly it’s been a rough week, but I’m getting through it.”
That doesn’t make you look bad,it makes you look real. It creates space for the other person to say something like, “Yeah, same here,” or, “I hear you.”
And here’s the surprising part: Feeling heard doesn’t double the stress it usually decreases it.
Two people acknowledging something tough doesn’t weigh both down, it often makes the load feel shared, understood, and a little lighter.
Small talk isn’t about dumping or fixing. It’s about tiny human signals that say: “Hey, I’m here too. Life’s tough. We’re both trying.”
You don’t have to sugarcoat your life. You just practice finding those small, balanced ways of sharing that open connection instead of shutting it down. Like any skill, it feels awkward at first, but it gets easier and very rewarding with time.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
I really appreciate you sharing this so openly. I want to say upfront that you’re not unusual for feeling this way. A lot of people find small talk draining, unnatural, or mildly stressful. You’re definitely not alone in that. It’s totally natural to struggle with the energy it takes.
And you’re right: you shouldn’t force yourself into situations that overwhelm you or pretend to be endlessly curious. Most people don’t naturally like small talk. For a lot of us, it’s something we get more comfortable with only through small, low-pressure repetitions.
But here’s the piece I think is worth considering, and the reason small talk is actually valuable even for people who don’t enjoy it: small talk sends the exact signals you said you want people to receive.
You mentioned wishing you could carry a certificate saying “I’m safe; I’m trustworthy; you don’t need to be on guard around me.” That’s exactly what small moments of casual conversation do.
Most people don’t build their sense of who’s safe through deep conversations. They build it through dozens of tiny, low-stakes interactions where someone shows calmness, presence, or a small bit of warmth. Small talk is the first rung on that ladder. It’s how people subconsciously decide:
- “Okay, this person is normal.”
- “This person is steady.”
- “This person is okay to talk to.”
You don’t need big enthusiasm or real interest to start. Just the smallest signals. Each tiny exchange builds a little more ease for you, because people who feel safe around you treat you differently. That’s the payoff. That’s the value.
And practicing small talk bit by bit isn’t a chore so much as an investment. It’s a skill, one you grow into at your own pace. It quietly makes the rest of social life smoother, because the foundation becomes easier to lay. Even a brief moment of acknowledgment, a nod, a short comment, a simple reply, can be meaningful without draining you.
There’s no pressure to push past your limits. Comfort matters. But if you ever decide to experiment with very small doses, it can become a tool that supports you rather than exhausts you. And the good part is: it really does get easier the more tiny reps you get under your belt.
I, too, appreciate you doing this write-up. For my past, I have some decades under my belt, and I recognize that small talk accomplishes what you describe. My wanting to carry a “certificate” is precisely because small talk has never become natural to me, regardless of the (moderate) effort I’ve put in. It felt weird when I was a kid, and it’s continued to be so through all the years.
I’ve made some great friendships, and the ones that have lasted have been the folks who never really needed small talk from me. They get where I’m coming from, and (quite thoughtfully) most have done what they can to soften things when taking me into larger group settings.
Tangentially, it was quite later in my life than it should have been that I realized I almost never am the person to end a conversation, especially on the phone, barring for urgent matters or upcoming sppointments. I just stick in there doing my part until the other person has somewhere else to be, not because I’m enjoying myself, but because it never occurred to me that choosing to end the conversation for any reason other than actual need felt like I was breaking some protocol.
All this to say, it seems I missed the day in skills handouts when I was supposed to have a chance for any kind of knack at this. And I’m fine with that.
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
I’ve heard of Supercommunicators! Haven’t read it yet, but I really love that these kinds of books exist because they reinforce something I genuinely believe: communication isn’t a personality type, it’s a skill.
Some people come by it naturally, and others learn it deliberately. Both paths lead to meaningful connection.
And small talk fits right into that. Even if it feels awkward or draining at first, practicing simple things like curiosity, open questions, and responding to what someone shares gradually makes it feel more intuitive and more rewarding over time.
I’m glad the book has been helpful for you! Anything that breaks communication down into a learnable skill is a gift.
Keep it simple! Andrew Carnegie wrote the only book you need, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Terrible title in today’s context, that’s not really what it’s about.
Carnegie set out to find a solid book on human communication. Traveled all over the US, meeting and writing university professors, was astonished that such a thing didn’t exist, so he wrote it.
Interestingly, you can pick it up and read any chapter. Nothing need be in order, it’s not a study course, very easy to digest. Most of it is simply Carnegie telling stories.
There was one that’s always stuck with me: He goes to dinner at a man’s house and the guy won’t shut the fuck up, talks on and on and on. Carnegie shut up, listened, made it clear he was listening, hardly spoke a word. On the way out the man was congratulating Carnegie on what a fine conversationalist he is!
Public domain, totally free, give it a spin. I need to brush up on it myself.
I don’t know what downvoting this makes me, but I am that
To clarify, there is a word that accurately describes how I feel, but I’m too stupid to know it
EDIT: disillusioned. The word was disillusioned
If it’s to simply make noises to assert non-violent intentions, then I say we can be more than our natural urges without giving into these innate tendencies. Sincerely, an introvert.
I like to start of with small talk and then get into political issues and ridicule people. No idea why they don’t like it
Just remove all violent people first
I’m an introvert and I enjoy small talk.
Yeah the scripted back and forth is not nearly as draining to the social battery. It’s almost like when you’re sitting quietly with someone enjoying three mute presence.
Not quite there, but like farther asking along that spectrum than say a conversation where actual information or promise to act is the goal.
Calm down, brother. You must resist those biological urges. We are civilized now. 😉
I’m sorry, sister. I will do better.
Amen
is making animal noises at each-other a sufficient way of small talk? asking for ourselves.
Context dependent, but I’ve definitely meowed as a non-threatening greeting before
Wonderful xD
stare
sniff
bite
I mean… it works for animals?
We have the tism and many of our vocal stims is animal noises (esp cats/dogs si de we grew up with them) and we just make anima noises with our partner or just be with eachother in silence and it’s calming/welcoming :3
This exchange reads like Archer dialogue and I’m digging it
Cicadas do nothing but shreik unholy shrill screams until someone else of their species decides to have sex with them, so why don’t we give that a try?
Tried that. Got kicked out of the stripclub. Had to have lunch somewhere else.
As long as the other person(s) can actually hold a convo, don’t care if the conversation is as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool.
Yeah. I got over my hangups about small talk when I started working for a well-known people person with a big, room-filling personality. Watching him “work” several people a day, I realized he was just on autopilot, repeating the same lines over and over like an NPC. I realized, “shit, I can do that.”
I saw some mudcrabs the other day. Horrid creatures.
Do you remember what he said? Maybe we can copy
“Did you see that ludicrous display last night?”
what was wenger thinking sending walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in!
That is true. See ya later reev.
Mind 'ow you go.
One of them was “how’s life in the fast lane?” Colloquial and open ended, so the other person can go whatever direction they feel like with it.
I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee…
I tried once an alternative to my current medication. It made me more communicative but it really felt like autopilot (something beside my consciousness) and i hated that.
Honestly, my favorite people are the ones who love to talk and are horribly desperate to babble to potential listeners. I’m not much of a talker but I absolutely dont mind looking you in the eyes and nodding my head as you talk about your hobby or current going ons.
In bigger social groups I noticed this weird thing fellow humans tend to do where they all want a slice of being the talker/ center of attention and constantly cut off eachother or tune out current speaker waiting for them to shut up so they can start their monkey babble turn.
This behavior absolutely infuriates me and I refuse to take part in it. I would rather just be silent and let you say your piece than interrupt the flow.
As a knock on effect people subconsciously notice I’m not competing with them for talk time and am sending them constant listening signals like looking in the eye nodding head “mhm got you” stuff. This seems to really go a long way with making friendly with talkative types with minimal effort.
Hobbys or current going ons is nice, but that’s not small talk. That’s just talk. Not big talk nor small talk, more like medium talk. It’s where they tell you stuff about themselves that actually matter, but not in a revolutionary way.
Small talk is chatting about the weather or talking about that person at work.
i posit current going ons can be anywhere from small to heavy talk, depending on the weight and/or severity of the ongoings.
My government seems to think otherwise.
I knew imgur was getting bad but that’s ridiculous.
Anyway, Here:
Technically that’s down to Imgur. Basically the UK government told Imgur to stop selling children’s data to advertisers and Imgur was like “No, we’re going to keep doing that and you’re blocked”.
But, OFCOM basically said “Okay sure you can block the UK and that will stop you selling any children’s data going forward, but you still sold children’s data in the past, so the fine still stands” and now it’s kinda in limbo because Imgur doesn’t have a UK office so there’s nowhere to extract the money from. However, even if Imgur did introduce age assurance (which is increasingly likely given that Imgur is based in California and California is flirting with age assurance requirements too) and therefore would be in compliance with the Online Safety Act, they would still be fined because they failed to protect children’s data in the past.
“Hi, I’m very friendly, you don’t have to be afraid of me, i don’t want to harm you, we are identical!”
I will start approaching people like this.
It works great! Now I only very rarely need to tell people to go away.
Seems a great many of you need this.
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Nope. Don’t need that.
Did you know that the reason imgur blocks the UK is that it is trying to evade a fine for selling children’s personal data?
They are a shit corporation and they already deleted old data for posters that didn’t have a paid subscription with them.
There are other image hosts.
Lemmy lets you upped directly to your instance and if gets federated.
Don’t use imgur.
Another great argument for text alternatives such as link to text-based (archived) sources: graceful failover & accessibility.
Except that wouldn’t make a difference as far as the children data protection bit is concerned. It goes WAY beyond porn and governs the handling of any data that can be tied back to a child, including IP address, online aliases, and email addresses.
And it’s not even just about selling it, but processing it and storing it at all. There’s technical necessity exemptions, like routers aren’t subject due to handling the IP address for routing, but stuff like logging the submitting IP address with an image to be able to handle abusive submitters would count. While it is a legitimate use, part of the UK law is requiring consent for doing anything with the data of someone under 13, and the current legal situation is “well, most sites probably break the law but you can trust us that we won’t go after you if you give it your best shot”.
I’m surprised more sites aren’t pulling out of the UK with a law that seems designed for selective enforcement to get rid of sites the government deems “bad” while letting the ones it deems “good” or “harmless” serve as examples that they are trying to be reasonable with the law that basically makes websites illegal because 12 year olds can use browsers and might go there without parental consent.
Also handing the ones that do check age even more information, but it’s OK because once you become an adult to do whatever with that information.
While I agree the UK law is nuts, and its citizens either need to revolt or kill all their children & stop breeding (probably for the best) to comply with their law, I’m just writing about principles for robust web content like don’t just post an image of text
- the disabled can’t read &
- that’s vulnerable to failure for any number of reasons including geoblocking due to insane laws.
Text alternatives are resilient to failure & provide richer features (usability, accessibility) than images.
Oooh, I see, you meant text alternative in the post. For some reason, my mind went to a service like imgur but it uses something to fallback to text, assumedly in part to display an alternative to an image to avoid the UK nanny laws instead of needing to back out entirely. So that’s where the whole “that won’t avoid the issue” response came from.
This also acts as a public filter
If you small talk with someone and they react positively (or at least don’t treat you weird) … then the person you are small talking to is a
decentRECEPTIVE person who is also open to a bit of communication.If you small talk with someone and they immediately treat you weird, walk away or just don’t want to deal with you … then chances are, it was a good thing you said something to eliminate any negative interaction.
EDIT: changed a word in my phrasing
Me: being socially anxious and going into panic stations when small talk begins.
Other person: it appears that this is not a decent person.
Yeah that actually happens. Saying “sorry I have social anxiety” as you dip out of the interaction surprisingly helps a lot.
Great tip, I’d be receptive
This is what a lot of people don’t get about small-talk, and OP’s image touches on it, it’s not about educating someone how trains work (looking at you fellow autists) it’s about playing a short game where you gauge each other’s receptiveness to friendliness or a desire to socialize. If your small-talk partner isn’t receptive, has nothing to say and seems disinterested, you take your leave. You say “Hey I gotta run, see ya around!” and just leave it at that.
(Guys, this is also how you talk to girls you don’t know, it’s literally the entirety of volumes of pickup artist bullshit condensed into one paragraph without any weird games or sexist bullshit. Just make small-talk, see if they want to engage back, AND THEN WALK THE FUCK AWAY if they’re icy to you. If they don’t respond, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you, and no you don’t get a second chance in this conversation, you will make it worse if you keep trying to talk to someone not interested. I am shocked how hard this is for so many guys to understand. And fully prepared to piss insecure midwits off with this factual take because it triggers SO many insecure people to talk about how to socialize properly.)
Preach. You get about a pleasant sentence and if you just get the momentary half smile or something you’re coolly moving on immediately.
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Small talk is even harder in public if you are a big tall brown long haired Native Canadian man like me. I’m older now and I’m fully aware that I intimidate people at first glance. I’m not violent, or do or want to do aggressive things but if you saw me, chances are those are the first impressions that you would see.
In northern Ontario, Caucasian people are familiar with people like me and I can easily talk to most people, especially in rural areas. But if I talk to some young woman, I’m often treated like some kind of monster.
I’ve also been to Europe in Germany, France, Italy and Spain and over there it is even harder for me to conduct small talk … there’s a language barrier and on top of that I look like I do. No matter how modern people can be, there is always a level of racism when people encounter someone who doesn’t look like everyone else they know.
So to me … small talk is a public filter.
If I talk to someone and they don’t want to engage, I move on.
If I talk to someone and they treat me kindly and openly, I’ve met someone who will help me feel more comfortable in this strange world.
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Thanks for the insight … I’ve made a subtle change to my first comment to reflect what you said.
It was a poor choice of words and phrasing on my part … a lot of time I’m just off handedly commenting on things while doing something else and never think too much or too clearly about what I’m saying or commenting.
As an older man now … I do take time to gauge who I am talking to, especially young people, because I know social anxiety, being awkward and just being young makes it difficult for young people to do any kind of small talk. But I also do have to do it safely in a public setting where I can feel safe and the person I talk to can feel safe.
As you can see … small talk even in a public forum like this is a skill we have to learn.
If anything small talk is necessary because it teaches all how to live with one another.
