Maybe she should have been named Bruce. It’s our strongest name!

Can you flush toilets tho

You gotta spend for the moisture sensors and other fancy shit that actually works. We moved into a place with one of those microwaves and we are dreading when it breaks (I think it’s like 3k for a new one)

My toilet sings when I lift the lid or sit down. I kind of wish I could upload a new song after all these years

We were performing arts geeks, but my group in high school sat around doing king of the hill imitations one month. Whoever did the best “Dangit Bobby!” didn’t have to buy coffee. It’s something anyone can learn, but it takes work to get good at.

Shush dude that’s my retirement plan right there

Yeehaw git’r’dun bake the steak boy howdy?

So it’s expensive Axe

That, uh, huh. I would like to refute that but I don’t know enough about birds.

It’s no Shrek

your berries make it home?

I make it in the pressure cooker so I’m pretty confident about cooking out the pathogens

Maybe he shouldn’t have got so swole then

Why did I read this in bed

Moths generally make you feel better than murder.

From an outside perspective. From an “oh, I just murdered a shitton of empanadas” perspective, still probably better. Fuck now I want like 100 empanadas

The Mouse paid 1.33 billion in income tax alone last year.

You can make extras

Also I’d rather give up peanut butter and eat the cheese

Huh, I’ve had some for longer and it hasn’t turned yet. I guess I’m lucky (or my freezer is colder or idk)

They make the closet go faster