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I’m disheartened. As a Jordanian/Palestinian/American, it’s hard to live in a country where the government and the general populace openly and unabashedly wants you and your whole family to die. Seeing people justify the atrocities committed by the Israeli government and military is just disappointing more than anything.

I really do love America, and I don’t take for granted how lucky my family has been to even have the opportunity to migrate here (I know plenty of people who would do anything to live here!) But it hurts when America doesn’t love you back.

My dog passed suddenly this past weekend. He was throwing up and had other stomach issues so I took him to the vet Thursday. He stayed overnight getting IV fluids and waiting on bloodwork. Friday morning I get word that he had acute renal failure and he basically couldn’t make it without a week at an ICU, to the tune of $1000/day and 25% chance of survival, after which he’d get maybe a bad 6-8mo before dying. Next morning we took him to the vet and that was it. It’s getting a little better everyday but I miss him so much.

I have decided to be a lot nicer on the internet as a result, at least. I think I’ve allowed the natural toxicity that emerges in online discussions to really seep into how I talk to people. I’ve been really trying to be aware of it and to be the person he knew I could be. He was the best. I loved him so, so much y’all.

Talk about bad geopolitical takes. I had to endure a hell of a lot this last weekend at the (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner table.

I am legally a woman now. There is no way to tell otherwise using social security infos etc.

I’ve been waiting to have my first blood test where my levels would be compared to those of women (you know for any actual relevancy in the comparison)

Yet the manager of the closest lab - whom I have known for years - deemed necessary to ask their IT to be able to override the civility and gender. And she felt forced for some reason to keep my birth sex even though it doesn’t appear anywhere.

What gets me the most is that she thought she was being benevolent when she was never asked to do that.

I regret accepting this situation and proceeding with the blood test. I should have gone elsewhere.

I’m fine, very worried about my Israeli friends though. They’re a straight couple with kids and were already looking to emigrate because of the current government, but now that’s been kind of put on hold because the guy got drafted :( rest of the family left the country so I’m just praying they’ll be reunited. Not much else I can do I think.

Better than last week in that I feel almost back to normal. Never had a chest infection before (that wasn’t Covid) but it was like being hit by a truck, wonder if having had Covid twice makes me more susceptible to these things now. Or maybe I’m just getting older.

I will know if I have a future at my work by the end of the week which is slightly nerve wracking. My job is safe but due to the restructure my salary is protected only until April, when it decreases by a fair bit. I am handing my notice in after Christmas if management don’t agree to keep my salary at the same level as I’ve worked too long and hard there to be treated like shit salary wise. Hoping it won’t come to that but we’ll see. Meeting management this week and making my case as it’s budget time.

My week is ok. We celebrated our 14th anniversary last weekend, which was nice. The kids got to stay with grandma and we had a whole weekend to go out and enjoy ourselves. I love my kids but it’s really nice to get away from being a parent once in a while and just enjoy an extended period of couple time.

I am also pretty upset about geopolitics. It feels like the majority have been conditioned to have such a strong bias and are incapable of any kind of introspection. If we all approached such topics with the willingness to learn from each other and hear different perspectives maybe things would be different. Unfortunately I can’t solve the world’s problems this week. Maybe next week?

Otherwise, I am dating, but meeting new people and assessing fit is a challenge.

Planned surgery happened this week. Unlike the last time where they blew two IVs (currently wait listed end of October for this). Was supposed to be only one night stay but the doctor kept me a second night due to an overabundance of caution. Currently waiting for them to come check on me in the morning and hopefully finally let me go. I’m off pain meds, been walking, passing gas, and bleeding has pretty much entirely stopped. I can’t think of any reason they’d keep me here but hoping to leave soon so I can actually get some rest.

Not sure in which language I’ve heard the saying: “people have more political takes than buttocks”.

Answering the top question: this week’s been shit.

I’ve started physio rehab last week, my appointments are in a clinic that has no easy public transport access (as in, no way for me to reach it without falling over on the way) and nobody could take me, so had to ask for an ambulance service, which takes an extra hour to go and come back, and makes me feel like an ass wasting an ambulance ride someone else could be using, or just save on the gas… but it does get me someone to lean on and catch me if I were to fall.

After the first few sessions, this Saturday turned out I could no longer stand up, at all. Was told it could be normal, but they’d check come Monday. After spending most of the weekend laying down, indeed it did get somewhat better, and I was ready for my painkiller fueled walk of shame ambulance ride… only to learn this week they’re on strike, and nobody bothered telling me. Had to rush to get a taxi at the last moment, since missing one of these sessions means it’s gone; miss three and they kick you out of the program. Come Tuesday, I got my taxi ride to the clinic… only to find out the elevator was broken (physio rehab is on a high 3rd floor, nice planning), and the stairs were just being painted, covered in papers with splatters of fresh paint. Some people (in wheelchairs, or with crutches) just didn’t make it today.

On the “bright” side, also got my cardiologist appointment, who got out a green marker to circle out how my results have “not gotten worse” over the last year… and told me to eat healthy and walk more (🤦), because otherwise “we might lose you soon” (geez, at least thanks for the green marker 😐).

Still can’t do shit, neither at home or otherwise, and none of the other problems (family, work, housing, other health issues) have seen any improvement. Watching the current geopolitical issues, at times I wonder how nice would it be to switch places with some of the innocent victims, be done with it all and let someone else have a try… but we’re each stuck in our f-d up roles in the theater of life.

The same scream I had last week is ongoing this week. My life is just screaming in powerless rage.

Group projects at university suck. There is exactly two of us in the team who are doing pretty much all the work. I’ve got one team member who does nothing, and another who half-does everything badly. I’ve given up asking him to redo the stuff he fucks up. It’s less time and effort to just fix it myself.

The children on the estate where I live suck. Constantly throwing rubbish in gardens, constantly throwing themselves in the path of moving vehicles. They found and destroyed an armchair last week. Fragments of its carcass are strewn around the area.

I want to live alone on an island. Preferably surrounded by fellow frogs.

My atomoxetine dosage has been increased which seems to be working, up to 75mg now and it seems like I might not be moved to a stimulant after all. But I’m still hoping to get a prescription for a low dose of stimulants for when I need actual focus rather than the current semi-focus atomoxetine gives me. Having to buy my pills from hong kong due to poor supply in the UK though which sucks.

I’m so depressed. I’m so sick of being disabled and useless and unable to work or make any money when everything costs money just to exist even without any quality of life. Everything is getting more expensive. Rent has gone up, the insurance they now require is more costly, the bank fucked up the auto payment so we had to pay late fees, the electricity bill is ridiculous (we’re not the only one in these apartments whose electricity bill is suddenly ridiculous) and we’re already late paying it and only have a few days left before we get shut off and violate our lease, local utility help can’t help us because they either don’t have any funds or we already used them in the past year, and I have NO idea how we’re gonna come up with the rest of the 300 something fucking dollars as mom and I are both disabled and her son is a mooching piece of shit who doesn’t contribute a lick despite not being disabled whatsoever. But he’s mommy’s little baby boy, so he gets to do what he wants. God I’m so sick of this. I feel like I need a rich fairy god mother to wave a magic wand and solve all my problems. I’m in so much pain I haven’t slept for two days. I’m sick of this.

I know other people have it a lot worse than me, though… I shouldn’t be bitching, but I’m a weak and whiny little idiot of a useless weenie. Bleh. Why do I have to exist when I’ve never wanted to my whole life? It’s not fair.

Am into my second week of regular gym workouts. Have also added in some extra workouts and am feeling a bit sore/stiff.

Bear in mind the last time I did serious exercise/gym time was when I was in the army - and I left that in 1997!

No weight loss showing yet.

I know it’s going to be hard work but at 66 years old and being far too heavy, I really need to put in some effort. Alcohol intake is right down and I’m almost vegan and usually eat healthy.

And I actually look forward to it!