Indiana. It makes me feel sad, too.

I’ll give a hopeful one:

Many years ago I was in a hopeless and hellish state. Unemployed, sleeping on a cot in my parents basement, my health failing me, and recently bankrupt.

I was suicidal but not to the point of having ideation. “You should just kill yourself” was a common refrain of my internal monologue.

Then I read something on reddit like “How long would you stay friends with someone who talks to you the way you talk to yourself?”

So I started on a serious effort to remove that from my thoughts. It was 2008, and Obama was running against McCain. I liked them both but was definitely in Obama’s camp.

I tried replacing “You should just kill yourself” with “You should just kill John McCain.”

And it worked! That shocked me out of that self hatred long enough to start to laugh it off.

A little time went by, I met someone, got a job. The someone convinced me to get surgery for my issues. (a hernia but I didn’t think fixing that would even help the overall stuff I was fighting)

We have been married almost a decade. Nine years in the house I got her when I got a better job. I work from home hanging out with all our animals.

Things CAN get better. There’s never a guarantee but it’s worthwhile to not give up. You can climb that mountain, dig that tunnel, whatever you need to make that journey through the darkness.

And I left a LOT of shit out of that story.

About two years ago I stared into the void. I didn’t have any real problems in life, but my job was boring as hell and my colleagues were always constantly negative, depressing and whined about everything, which affected my mindset after months upon months of that.

Freshly out of university, the job (which I couldn’t leave due to contacts) sucked out my every hope and dream of having a fulfilling career where I’d have an impact on the world. I felt so useless. To make matters worse I fell in love at that time.

One day I vaguely felt bad, got home, sat down and started crying like crazy. Life felt so meaningless. Not my life specifically, but life as a concept. I could change my life, but to what purpose? I sincerely felt regret for ever having been born and existence felt like a cruel joke, it was all vanity, pain, and at the end you die without even feeling the relief of it being over since you would be gone. It was a feeling of meaninglessness where even doing something about it was as meaningless as doing nothing.

The next day I had another crying session, didn’t eat anything the whole day as well. And in the evening I remembered how Seneca wrote that nothing bad happens to good people since those “bad” moments are the only time we get to show our virtues. Didn’t really fix the basic problem of meaninglessness, but it did reinvigorate me. Reading Camus’ “Myth of Sisyphus” also got me to handle the absurd better. But the moment I got out of the whole ordeal altogether was about 8 months later when I realized that I was very much pushed to such a state by my colleagues, and that I yearned for some sort of warmth and comfort from others. But nobody has really ever shined for me, I realized that I had to be my own light and that I should not do things to earn other’s approval, but for me (this does not mean being selfish, according to Platonic and Aristotelian ethics, doing morally good deeds is for the benefit of the doer). I’ve been fine since then.

I was so broken in my early 20’s. I had been consistently struggling with college, did not understand myself, and just genuinely felt alone. It wasn’t until my 30’s and getting into a psychology class that I started piecing together that I have ADHD (officially diagnosed now), a sleep disorder that makes me tired unexpectedly and intensely, and just generally started to find who I was as a person. It took years of working with a psychiatrist and psychologist (therapist) to start unraveling years of negative self talk and also work through some religious trauma.

The one point I remember is I was thinking just how easy it would be to drive off a bridge…but I liked my car too much to do it. Those were rough times, but I made it through and haven’t been that low since.

Ohio.

Probably one of the times I got put in the hospital for wanting to kill myself

Depression is a bitch

Due to the way I was raised, I have a tendency to view my self worth as solely deriving from my actions.

It has had some benefits, like running into a burning building once I was out to get a family member out.

But it also has some downsides. It’s hard for me to view my own happiness or even life as having intrinsic value.

It’s especially bad if someone I love could concievably benefit from me not being around anymore.

Years of therapy have really helped though.

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I think I got seasonal depression and my heart literally physically hurts anytime I’m particularly sad (no medical emergency). First time in my life I’ve felt lonely after enjoying solitude forever, tho I suppose I always hung out with friends a lot more often. Not the first time I’ve been uncertain and scared about the future. Tried to cry and can’t either. Somehow much worse than the deaths of my grandparents.

It was at the beginning of the pandemic when my dad died.

He was in the hospital, and i could sense he was dying, but no doctor would come to check. At the end of visiting hours i was escorted out with 3 police officers, only to get a phone call the next morning that he was, indeed, dying. I was so angry at everyone… i think ive never felt more “black” then that. I swear i could have killed anyone who got in my way for that first year after :(

About 5 years ago, my Dad went into the hospital due to low oxygen levels (he had cancer), this was in the morning. I went to work and while I was working the customer had a massive stroke and died. This was while watching her grand kids. No one noticed until her daughter came home. The stress of all that combined with my Dad’s failing health brought me as close as I have ever come to a breakdown.

I had a twitter account for awhile.

One day between two jobs I worked 20 hours straight in a row unexpectedly, including a night shift I was wholly unprepared for, and when my husband picked me up and we got home, it was so icy on the ground on the passenger side of the car that I asked him to carry one of my bags in because it was heavy and I was afraid I’d slip. He ripped it out of my hand, snarled “What are you fucking handicapped?”, and I called him a sociopath and went to bed, whereupon he woke me up four hours later “so I didn’t waste the entire day”.

Don’t ever get married, and don’t entangle your finances with someone else. You’ll never get free.

I lived with my grandparents from grade 6 until i moved out after highschool, because we didnt have anywhere else to live. Family was always my grandmothers first priority. As she would say, “im the eldest. its my responsibilty. (to take care of our family)”

10 years later the girl was living with decided she wasnt happy and ended the relationship. I was saving up to propose to her what would have been 3 months after this happened. I went into debt for us because she couldnt hold a job for more than a month after we moved in together. She was paying for a 2 bedroom apartment by herself before we moved in together. I did then and still dont make enough to really to support me on my own let alone provide for both of us, being poor still sucks. But thats not the worst yet

So i moved back home because to my grandmother, she is the eldest and its her responsibilty to make sure family is okay.

She developed alzheimers on fixed income. I am not trained for caregiving but as she could no longer be by herself i passed on a lot of opportunities because i felt i needed to be there for her in her time of need like she was there for me(and the rest of us) when we needed a place to live. After my grandfather passed away my gran told me she would rather die in her own home if she could.

It got HARD. I was not able to stop working when covid happened. I worked everyday scared shitless that i was going to bring covid home and get her killed from it. I had to sit with her and comfort her when she was slipping away and she could realize its happening. In those moments all i knew how to do was just BE there for her. And somedays i had to do this on repeat every hour all day long if she wasnt sleeping.

If one of my brothers wasnt with me through this i dont know what i would have done or how i would have got through some days.

In september i had to call 911 because she couldnt lie down without howling in pain. She was in the hospital for a week (extremely short staffed and lengthy delays for anything to get done)

She was home for a bried period before it started happening again.

She never got to go home again. Her house was put up for sale and my brother and i were forced to move out. Over the next month i had more than one completely broken down cant think straight moments.

Her oldest son threw me and my brother into the street and ignored every thing we said like we were garbage.

My uncle the closest thing to a father i ever had. And his response and reward for looking after his mother as we watched her slip slowly into madness was to throw us into the street like garbage.

I still cant bring myself to go visit her for fear he might show up while im there. And its killing me daily that i cant be there for her. I just cant.

Im fucked