I’ve been fighting off writing this for a while now. I even considered making a throwaway for it, but I guess if its too embarrassing I can delete it.
I’ve sorta come to accept I’m bi in recent years, and I am wondering how I should go about dating and courtship in regards to dating within my same sex (male). Especially since I find femininity to be a key attraction point. I also haven’t dated or had sex in like, three years or more. Its been a while, I kinda stopped caring for myself and focused on work, I am slowly trying to become an interesting person again, get back in shape but its hard. I dunno, man. I’m in my mid-30s and I am trying to figure out what I want out of the world. There’s a bit of lust involved. And I definitely need a hug at the very least.
Furthermore, I live in the Southern part of the US, and the amount of trans hate has me actively wanting out of here (I’m aiming for Colorado) and dating in this part of the Southeast is already difficult as is, in my prior experiences.
How does one navigate this kind of world after coming out? How do I deal with the stigma especially since in the states, there’s a renewed interest in putting people back in the closet?
First of all: congratulations on coming out!
I think it might be easiest to start by trying to go to LGBT/gay-friendly clubs or parties and try to get comfortable with the idea of flirting or getting to know likeminded people in general. I am from the EU so I can’t speak for the US but here almost all of these gatherings are open for straight people too so don’t hesitate to bring a friend along who you feel comfortable around. In a location like that you can be sure that it’s not because of your sexual orientation if advances fail and get comfortable to be in contact with other men that like men.
Disregarding sexual orientation, as a 30something year old myself I can confidently say that I know only very few people that seem to have figured stuff/life/anything out and to be honest I think they just hide their insecurities better. My general experience with people is that everybody is anxious and it’s actually a good ice breaker to admit your own fears and insecurities.
I wish you pleasant experiences (:
*Edited a spelling error out
I don’t have any useful advice on your specific question. I’m replying to say only two things.
You’re probably going to struggle with this and you might feel like you’re doing it wrong because you can’t figure it out easily enough. Let it feel weird. Let it take as long as it takes. Let it be a struggle. Don’t make it worse by telling yourself a story like there’s something wrong with you because you’re struggling to figure it out.
And hug.
Peace.
Hey I had to do this same kinda thing after realizing men are hot in my late 20’s. Do you have LGBT friends? Hang out with them. Ask them to invite you to other queer hang outs, events, etc. Ask them to take you dancing. There’s something so completely euphoric about dancing in a gay friendly club where you can feel comfortable being you. Go to the gay bars! They’re fun. Get on the dating apps and aim for making queer friends first and foremost. They work far better for meeting new friends than dating. I didn’t care for Grindr, personally, but if you’re just horny, it’ll do its job.
The dating aspects will all come together after you make a bunch of gay pals and just start existing in queer spaces. And remember, every confident person you meet there was once in your shoes! Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions on how to do things, just like this, we alllll been there!
And congratulations!! It may seem scary now, but you’re about to have a lot of fun.
I found dating apps may be helpful. I’m personally partial to romeo as I trust it most in terms of privacy over grindr.
I’m not a person who goes out a lot to parties or dancing.
There’s also HER, or Hinge, or Bumble (latter’s not necessarily queer focused though, using queer here as a shortterm for lgbtq+. But it’s friendly).
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Big hug.
Unfortunately I cannot help directly as I’m a cis male that has lived in NYC, LA, and SF Bay Area the last 25 years.
Even in progressive locations there are establishments that are not. I suggest trying to find places you would be comfortable in. That may be a gym, coffee shop, or bar. Make conversation and get a feel for the place.
There is a local dive bar I frequent that is very LGBTQ friendly. Last night my wife and I talked to a transsexual woman (she shared this info) for almost an hour about what happens to donated body parts. She then took off to her friend’s place.
From Texas, also gay AF. If it’s lust, try an app. Find a chill dude who’s ok with your speed and your experience, work your way up to stuff. Or if you’re less timid, there are plenty of guys that are really into no strings attached.
As far as dating? Surely there is a gay bar within 30 miles at least. That’s a decent start. If not, go do things you like doing. Watch out for any guys you fancy giving you eyes. Worst case scenario, you made a friend. Can’t do socializing stuff or are big groups intimidating? Well, at least you can chat with a few interesting people in your area on apps to see what the local scene is like.
If you can help it? Move to the biggest city in your state. Or fully out of the south? Lol. Idk. I’m trapped in Texas.
Edit: Also, having a dog/plants attracts some of the more stable guys. Lol. All the hotties like a Plant and/or Dog Daddy.
I dont have any advice, but this is well written, i like how you phrased things and i hope you find your person/people/hug. Good luck.
I don’t really have any advice. I’m just here for the hugging. But good on ya, dude! Go with it!
I’m from CO and dating here is terrible. It wasn’t so bad in my 20s, but doing it in my 30s has been almost entirely shit to the point that I’ve given up, and so have a lot of other people. I love the state, don’t get me wrong, but it’s expensive and the single men seem to have formed some kind of mediocrity pact. The last woman I dated went from witchy pagan to hijab-wearing Muslim convert for a man she’d met in person once, so I haven’t had better luck on the queer scene either.
That said, joining queer spaces wherever you end up is a good way to dip your toes in the water without feeling the pressure that an explicitly dating-oriented site/activity might cause. Join clubs, go to bars, whatever. If you meet someone that way, it’ll likely feel a lot more natural.
I wish you luck!
Not homosexual, but have noticed that all of my friends in same sex relationships have gotten together via apps. This is in Australia though, so the culture may be quite different from the US.
Sorry as I know im way not a good source as im not bi or gay but I always thought it was kinda the same. Go to bars/clubs or meet people at clubs and such. Just storta talking. I live in a city though so might be more prevalent places or such.
I’m surprised you would think of leaving rather than staying and being there for the next person in your shoes who cannot follow in your footsteps. The Southern US is a place in desperate need of being rebuilt, as well as what it takes to rebuild. I guess, above all else, never forget who you are.
for a lot of LGBT people it’s a matter of safety. we don’t leave by choice. I’ve known outright internally displaced refugees
That sounds like a matter of cops not doing their job. Harm is harm even there, no?
The cops are part if the problem
I have lived here all my life and I’ve been sick of it for a long time now (for non-sexual orientation reasons). One of the reasons I never really left it, was my father. He passed away last year from dementia-related causes, and that kinda lined up with some personal desires. Atlanta is a gay mecca and I have considered going back to Atlanta, I really miss it so. But at the same time, I’ve visited Colorado and its beautiful out there. I know I should stay here and try to fix things, but I’m in a purple city, Nashville is increasingly expensive (Colorado more so, I am aware), and I don’t like it here anymore for many reasons.
I failed to address the other point of the comment so here goes: There’s a lot I could be doing to help LGBT people here, but my abilities are really limited outside of advocacy and financial support (which I do) by the makeup of the state assembly, and the politicization of the issue being used to gerrymander and twist the legislative. This is a problem all through the South, where purple cities are bastions of sanity. Tennessee isn’t like Georgia, where the tide has pretty much shifted even in rural/suburban areas. It would be a long fight, and i’m not wanting to waste the second half of my life on it, its not guaranteed I can shift things. Anything I can do from the outside for the younger generation to fix it, I will do.
What material support are you giving to LGBT+ people in the south? Because if you aren’t personally helping solve this then it just comes off as preachy. People don’t choose to uproot themselves from their family, friends, and community in the face of increasing violence and state oppression because it just sounds fun.
I definitely wasn’t saying people change places just because it sounds fun. But I was calling into question where the line is drawn.
But I was calling into question where the line is drawn.
Why? Seriously, what is that contributing here? Do you think that’s changed anything about the factors that made OP consider leaving the south or helps him in any material way?
I’m not asking you to justify anything, I’m saying your comment was both unnecessary and unhelpful and instead of doing that again in the future you should reconsider.
I was giving my addition to the two cents everyone was giving here, nothing necessarily “necessary” about it; I relatedly did not come with any guarantee of helpfulness, and if by “unnecessary” you mean to imply it was somehow hurtful/destructive to suggest the semantics of how the Southern US ought to be rebuilt, I would’ve never predicted that in a hundred years. I was providing some of the thoughts I have when unwanted people like those homophobes and transphobes march on my world (and yes, I too am LGBT). It is theft. What do you do in response to said theft?
As a trans person who fled the south many years ago because I saw the writing on the wall, you do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. And you help the people that need it. You don’t finger wag at them for not doing enough to fix the shit driving them to flee.
Point to what part of what I said constitutes finger wagging or accusing someone of not doing everything they might.
If so much is at stake, there would then seem to be a deeper issue at hand, one relating to the peacekeepers.
What kind of puritanical ass bullshit is this suffer yourself so other people can have it better mindset
Are you asking about what I said? Because that’s not what I said.
I get your sentiment, but as a New Yorker who had to come to florida temporarily due to an unavoidable life event: this place is fucked. I don’t feel safe here, and I’m hoping to gtfo asap. I’m in Orlando, and this is a city with a historic LGBTQ+ community I was once part of 27 years ago, but I saw the writing on the wall back then and left. Today it’s even more hostile and dangerous due to what the governor and state government have done and continue to do.
Staying here and “fighting the good fight” simply isn’t an option for most. It’s a serious risk. Look, mad respect to those who do— often those in positions of privilege who can afford to stand up and fight, but many of us are regular folk, struggling to get by as it is. That makes us targets.
In a way, that makes us civil rights refugees… an entire diaspora forced to flee from state-to-state for fear of persecution, imprisonment, and death.
Did you go back to NY? I came from there not long ago, moved to VT due to a relative passing, and can say NY was one of the best places to be, even compared to VT.
I’m (hopefully) about 2 weeks away if my plans work out. I’ll find out in a few days if they will. 🤞🏻
Planning to move back to Brooklyn, where I’d been living the past 16 years, about 10 blocks away from my last place.
Oh, NYC. I came from the Western part of the state, I can promise we’d welcome you there too if you ever need a larger range.
What a lovely sentiment. Thank you very much. I’ll think about it.
