To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity of people at various ages. It is rated for children in Norway, but might be shocking to someone not used to seeing nipples on TV. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.
They are all hidden. At least here in Brazil.
At some point. For the love of all that is holy you MUST tell you son the following: Never come in a woman unless you want a baby. Even if she tells you to. Even if she claims she is protected.
NEVER COME IN A WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A BABY
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Was with you until this line. C’mon now.
It does happen. Had a woman poke holes in all of the condoms in my nightstand when I was 18. She later admitted she thought I was going to leave her when I was going to a University and she was going to the state college. I’m sure it is rare that such happens, but I wouldn’t fully dismiss it. I was paranoid after that and always went to the bathroom after and filled the condom with water to make sure they hadn’t broke or had a hole in them after sex. It wouldn’t do anything to prevent it at that point, but at least I had the peace of mind I guess that I knew it wasn’t leaking and could get a 9 month head start on planning.
It absolutely happens, no doubt! Never disagreed with that!
But putting out such a general statement like “women will baby-trap you!” is such a broad statement. Statements like that are often used to stir up hostility and is a common tactic used in spaces that are anti-women.
Me saying “men will assault you!” would not be acceptable and would get me attacked and downvoted to hell. It’s astounding to me that statements like this about women are supported.
Yeah, a better way to put it would be “There are women that may attempt baby-trap you, and you should always be mindful of that”
Absolutely.
Yeah it really wasn’t the response I expected to teaching your child about their body. Not sure what that person has been through, but it did seem random. I expected responses like how to properly clean oneself.
Yeah… don’t love the “women will be actively trying to ruin your life”–angle.
However, it’s a good idea to let him know that some potential partners will have bad/manipulative intentions, no matter the gender, and how to look out for that.
I made no mention of my kid’s orientation, so… make of that what you will. Lol
Yeah, people make stupid decisions no matter their gender, ideologies, or whatever else. I think one of the things I wish I would have learned more about at that age was the absence of structure. School is all very structured. Everything is about checking a box. Get this prerequisite, go to these classes. Be there at set times, get a set grade level and you will be fine. Get a certain score on the SAT/ACT or what not and you will be fine. Everything is almost definite. Once you leave high school/college there really isn’t any of that for your life unless you create it yourself. Get a job sure, within that job they will have structure. Nothing is telling people to check these 3 boxes and then move out of that job in 3 years and into the next step, as the steps no longer exist and staying in a single job is unlikely to land you where you need to be successful. Loyalty to a company doesn’t mean you will get raises or promotions. I wish I would have spent more time creating the maps and goals I want to achieve outside of the structure given to me, and work on achieving those goals and creating timelines they need to be done by. A certificate to move up/diagonal in my field, map it out and when and where you want to throw those 100 resumes out too and hope one of them will come back. Then already be working on other structured steps curated for my life aspirations.
I procrastinate on many of those things, because there are no due dates. It’s go to work, make dinner, clean, mow lawn, take care of chickens, blah blah blah to get to the next day week year, but then you never get around to improving yourself because I never set required boxes for me to check.
Lemmy.world is worse than fucking reddit was with gender relations lmfao
Weirdos end up on Lemmy. Many of us are a splendidly wonderful, if pedantic, sort.
And then there’s the weirdos that… aren’t that. The ones who never built social skills or the ability to look at the world from beyond their own limited experiences. The ones who extrapolate with reckless abandon, usually in the traditional directions of punching down.
I’m sorry if they or someone they know got baby-trapped, but that is DEFINITELY not the usual nor should it be phrased like it is.
I’m more shocked at the amount of upvotes the comment has.
His point isn’t wrong. He could have explained it better but telling a teenage boy how to not get girls pregnant regardless of what they tell him is not a bad idea. I definitely had experiences with girls I slept with telling me not to worry about it and at least one of them went on to have a teen pregnancy by another dude. They weren’t trying to trap me. They were just dumb. So was I and I got really lucky that there were no consequences. Teenagers say and do dumb shit and the more cognizant your son is of that the better. If he’s anything like me he’s not going to be thinking about consequences in the moment.
His point isn’t wrong
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
The above sentence is the one I’m taking a stand against. The rest was fine up until that.
You are 100% correct to have an issue with that. My point was more to answer why he is still getting upvotes. The premise of his comment about not cumming in women you don’t want to impregnate is correct. The motivation of the woman is pretty irrelevant to the conversation. He is wrong about that but it’s not the main point.
You need to understand that is one of a host of reasons and things that can be said. I’m not going to write a 40-page essay. Frank talk is necessary, too bad you can’t see that and choose to focus on the gender thing. That’s really about you and not me. Frank talk about all aspects of sex is vital. Get a grip.
edit: And I’m not going to sit here and qualify my statements carefully in case you’re too in-the-weeds to focus on underlying points. I don’t need to “not every woman” and bs like that. You should be smart enough to not need constant pandering to and kid glove treatment.
Do you think “frank” means “without nuance or care for how what I’m saying could be misconstrued as bigotry”?
Like, literally the only change I know I’d like to see is “there are some women who” and like… that’s hardly an imposition, y’know? Definitely not a “40 page essay” either.
Doesn’t even need to be a trap, accidents happen (i.e. missing a dose of birth control).
yeah honestly this is the only thing
This is utter nonsense. Condoms work 99% of the time, and most women aren’t horrible people.
Aside from basic biological stuff, trust and consent. Consent is required. Trust no one you don’t know extremely well and are in a committed relationship (especially as regards protection and contraception).
I wonder if educational videos exist on this. I assume so somewhere. As a dude in his 40s not having kids, I thought “maybe I should reach out to volunteer to help” but, at the same time, realize there are so many weirdos on the internet I would always say no in the same circumstance. Maybe if there are no educational vids, I could try to create something.
Raising kids is hard. Good on you for trying to do things properly. Best of luck!
Been thinking a lot about this post and tried to come up with some things that weren’t already mentioned. Sorry for writing a book.
This was mentioned once but you really have to talk to him about porn. He can literally find it on the same device he calls you on. It’s not real life but he might not know that yet or understand why. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t allow it, just that he absolutely has already encountered it and it’s likely already shaping what he finds desirable without him knowing it. (I like porn. I think it’s mostly a good thing. I do not miss trying to figure wtf was real vs what someone’s older brother made up to mess with me.)
I think lots of people have focused on sex and sexuality (for obvious reasons) but this is a moment where his relationships with friends and potential romantic interests are going to begin changing. It might be worth asking him what he needs from those different groups in his life. My friends weren’t supportive of me having a girlfriend at 14 cause they didn’t like her and it basically caused me to dig my heels in and hold onto that relationship longer than I should have.
I’m also surprised that more people didn’t mention talking with him about drinking and drugs. I don’t have any advice on what to say there. I just wish I hadn’t had to figure that stuff out totally on my own.
Ultimately, I’m glad to hear that you and your son have a good relationship where you can talk about things. The things he needs to talk with you about will change but there’s no substitute for knowing that you care.
EDIT: if you were specifically looking for the mechanics of how to hide a boner, you swing it around to 12 o’clock, tuck it up behind the waistband of the pants, and pull the boxers over it. Going down into the pants will make it more visible.
Visit your local library for resources on sexual health and wellness! It’s good for you to know too. Everyone should know about the reproductive system, anatomy, STDs, how to prevent them, and what vaccines and medicines can treat or prevent STDs (For example, PrEP pills can make you nearly immune to HIV).
Fwiw, it is probably good to explain sexuality too. Or at least have books with solid sections that explain it. I always crushed on and dated girls, but then started getting nervous when I started finding boys cute too. It added a great deal of stress to my daily life. My parents thought I was straight, then kinda mangled it when I came out the first time.
There’s no instruction manual for raising kids, but like…you can definitely have the knowledge ready so that you aren’t caught off guard :)
I’d tell him his number one goal should not be to get his rocks off. He should focus solely on being friends with lots of different girls. Everyone eventually learns sex. It takes much longer to meet someone you just get along with and could become your ride or die. Male/female relationships come in all varieties. Learn them all.
If you want my honest advice, the major considerations are that boys turn nonstop-horny for a few years, before that naturally stops.
Apart from that, yeah, general self-development. But that will take time, and experience(s)
Non-stop?
yep, more or less at least that was my experience
If I thought there were pictures of naked girls on the other side of a brick wall and I had no tools, I would have fucked that wall to dust to get at them. I might have been an aggressively horny boy tho. Also FYI I wound up having sex at fifteen, so get that talk in ASAP.
There is a wealth of resources regarding sexuality and thematics for adolescents in general available here: https://www.youmo.se/en/
also, Big Mough comes recommended by the city of reykjavik, which has lots of stuff regarding sexuality and gender issues, but not all in english.
i want to emphasise training how to use a condom, finding out the correct size is something that’s on his to do list. Proper hygiene is also learned (my parents didn’t give a shit and it caused me problems far longer than necessary) - tell him if he needs to shower, body odor changes fast during puberty, and it’s easy to be nose-blind to your own smell.
I saw someone recommend giving a gift card for a sex toy - i think that’s a good idea, the sex drive in puberty was constant and to be honest at times annoying and distracting,
Besides all the stuff related to sex that many people have already written down here:
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That it is normal to have overwhelming emotions at this age. It’s fine if he gets angry, or sad or whatever. Find an outlet for that emotion.
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He is gonna get a long stronger. It is important to approach this with sensibility: saying stuff like “strong men are dangerous” or “men are strong and women are weak” etc can actively harm young men’s mental health. I’m sure there are good resources for this online as well, though I’m not sure where. He needs to realize that he will need to control how much force he puts into things much more than as a child, but at the same time that people are not afraid of him and should not be.
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There are books for that, that usually take all the important bits and put them in funny, engaging ways. It could be a nice thing to get, even read together.
There are these things called books…
Oh that’s great. Which ones? I doubt that Pride and Prejudice or The Very Hungry Caterpillar are very helpful here.
If you can’t even recommend any book on this topic, then your comment really doesn’t help OP at all.
Always knock before entering his room
And wait for an answer. Don’t just knock then immediately walk in. I’m nearly fifty and I’m still traumatized by this.
All the other replies tiptoeing around this - OP, your son has hormones raging in his body, he’s going to masturbate a lot. In my opinion and I’m going to be blunt, maybe focus on:
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letting him know it’s normal for all this hormonal activity, masturbation is OK and not something to be frowned upon or ridiculed (well unless you two joke a lot which would be cool). In fact, as he starts to go out on dates gently suggest he rub one out before the date to calm his hormones the F down, which leads me to…
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he’s gonna get boners all the time, it’s just a thing that comes with all those raging hormones. It can happen in unfortunate places and unfortunate circumstances (8th grade science class wearing stretchy shorts? SURE WHY NOT), so as a mom be aware this could be happening but he of course doesn’t want to say anything to you. Ignore or treat it as normal (or again, bust a joke if you’re tight like that).
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teach him to respect his partners and not be just letting his hormones take over and he wants to stick his dick in everything. This is I feel something is missed on all “sex ed”, to me the biggest part is not the physical act but the negative emotional results if he lets those hormones take over. Hetero or gay doesn’t matter, it’s all the same - your partner has feelings and be aware (“don’t be an f’ing asshole”).
I’m of an age these days, but man I wish someone in an adult capacity had covered the above when I was a teenager. Instead, growing up with repressed catholic type parents it took me way, way too long to grasp the above on my own.
I grew up in an entirely female family. I was literally the only boy. So I didnt get any sex talks from anyone. It sucked big time. I really really really wish someone had done it. I had no one to teach me about guy stuff.
Yeah about that last point, it is easy to have sex with someone just because they also want it. However, you may regret it afterwards because maybe they want an actual relationship and you just wanted the sex because your hormones were making that decision for you. Or if you do it with a close friend, it can strain that relationship.
It’s always best to decide what you plan to do before going into any situation that could potentially turn sexual. And stick to the plan. If something unexpected comes up, try to find a way to step away for a few minutes, let the hormones cool, and try to decide what you really want. It’s the only way to be sure you’re making a decision based on more than the instinct to have sex with everything.
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Absolutely. I respect his privacy.
Sometimes he wears headphones in his room and I do have to crack the door to have him respond. Is that okay?
Tbh if he masturbates with headphones in the same house as his mother, it’s an important lesson to learn to always keep one ear open for potential knocks. 🤭
Maybe warn him about that so he can avoid the potential trauma
Emphatically no.
Text him or something.
Edit: you do not want to make this mistake
just making sure you’ve seen this nested comment
I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.
I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that it’s important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.
This.
I think it’s important to point out that porn is as representative of real sex as action scenes are of real fights.
Instead, it’s a stylised and codified version of things that specifically is designed to appeal to our lizard brains.
Also, get used to saying the word ‘sex’ around him. It’s weird at first, but the best way to make it clear that it’s all a normal part of growing up, is by acting like it’s a normal part of growing up.
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
This, meanwhile on one hand it teached me how to pleasure a woman orally, on the other it created impossible expectations on other areas.
I learned properly about the g-spot and how to massage it with my fingers through a TV program about sex that was aired at nights.
Did you know that the g-spot never was proven to actually exist?
Also relevant - you can’t smell porn. Everyone has a scent, especially when doing a physical activity.
I’d like to tack on that this point can be used to highlight why this is so. It’s a deep concept that can be explained simply and produces a lasting positive impact.
Everyone has fantasies. Sometimes we want them to be realized. Most often: we don’t. Many people carry internal shame because of their fantasies and some of those people have difficulty with intimacy because of it.
Good sex with other people requires our investment in their comfort and pleasure. This can be emotionally complex and fulfilling to navigate. Masturbation is free of those complications but we often make up the difference via fantasy. This is normal and there’s no need to confuse one space for the other. Masturbation and sex may fulfill similar basic needs on the surface but, in practice, they are very different exercises. It’s normal for one’s preferences to be different for each and for those preferences to shift over time.
Don’t worry about “normal”. Focus on having a healthy, honest, and emotionally aware sex life instead.
As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn’t look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn’t like me and learn about how periods actually work when he’s almost thirty because he doesn’t get a joke in a movie.
What he needs to learn at this age isn’t what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.
So what movie taught you about periods?
Happy Feet. (the sequel obviously)
Ahh, thought it would have been Crimson Tide
I could have said The Shining :p
There are books for children on this. Lots of them. Read a few and pick ones that fit your values. I suggest providing a few.
He is hearing information already. Much of it wrong.
