Lurkmore [she/her, comrade/them]

I need to undo so much toxic garbage I’ve absorbed throughout my life. I deserve to be happy.

I just want to be a good girl.

But there’s a voice in my head screaming slurs and insults. It’s face morphs from person to person. So harsh, so cruel. I would never say this to anyone but myself.

I want to do my nails so bad!!! But that’s so noticeable. It opens up so many questions.

TNG is so comforting now.

So it’s my new phone making me want to shave off all my body hair. Ah well, nevertheless, I like my phone. Guess I’ll be a girl.

Now I can’t stop thinking about how my whole life would’ve been better if I had known and transitioned earlier. I’ve wasted so much time and energy. I want to keep my life and not have it implode but I don’t see how it doesn’t. I don’t see how I won’t have to start over. I don’t want to start from nothing, destitute and homeless. I only work one full time job, I don’t see how I could afford a place to myself, plus transportation and my other bills.

Technically nothing would have to change at work, other than how people perceived me. I don’t know how I would tell anyone. I guess they’d figure it out eventually. If I could get over the first few hurdles it wouldn’t be so bad.

I finally feel okay with myself. I felt so wrong for so long. I should have known. I assumed everyone would choose to be a girl. I’ve always wanted to be a girl but I couldn’t see it. I hate all of my masculinity and have for a long time, but I thought it was because I had a low self-esteem from not being man enough. But I don’t want to be man and have never felt like one.

It seems obvious. I feel like I can act like myself for the first time ever. I don’t have to police all my thoughts and actions. I want to be pretty and cute and that’s okay.

Every day now I’m more sure of what I want, and more accepting and happy with myself. It’s so weird, I’ve never felt happy with who I was. I never understood.

I guess I’ll have to go to the doctor, right? But how do I convince people it’s what I really want? How do I know it’s not a phase or something?

USA. I don’t know how I’ll deal with all the people who know me. I feel like I’ll have to quit my job and move away.

I thought maybe they made being trans hard just to stop everyone from becoming a girl.

Yeah, I get what you mean. Its going to be a slow process for me with a lot of doing almost nothing. The biggest change is in how I’m thinking about myself.

Spend my whole life obsessing that my voice isn’t deep enough and feel extremely anxious about it.

Realize I’m trans.

It’s too deep. 😭

I can do nothing but it’s weird knowing what I actually want. I want to change everything. I finally understand why I’ll never like how I look as a guy. It’s crazy. I finally know what I’ve wanted to change. I’ve been banging my head against a wall for so long trying to figure out what I needed to do and I finally know.

I would start today if I could.

It makes me so happy to be allowed to want that.

How can I ever tell anyone? How can I be who I want?

Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. I never realized why I felt the way I did or that anyone would ever understand.

I kept waiting for some hidden force to kick in and turn me into a man. I thought there was some way I could ever feel validated as a man, by other people or society. I don’t though. I never feel that way. It helps to hear your perspective in the opposite direction.

Wake up.

Still wish I was a girl.

Oh.

Thank you, I appreciate you. I worry about everything all the time.

I’m really sorry if I came off as a jerk. I don’t mean to be argumentative. I’m sorry. What you said resonated and I was fighting with myself.