paws forward, wide smile Wryuf! tailwagging

Wr-wruff?

Yeah… I feel like i could be very wrong and everything will be fine. But perhaps the more concerning part is that i feel like i cant have a direct dialog with p1 about any of this, like he will just shut everything down and get angry with me if i try to bring it up…

I dont want him to uninvite people just cause of me, i just wish i wasnt the only woman explicitly invited… And also, p1 is kinda the person im most worried about… I dont want to have an argument about the finer points of transmisogyny with a transmasc who hasnt exactly been open to criticism about his misogyny in the past, and has been very dismissive about it, and about like concerns about passing, etc… Idk, just the fact that im the only woman explicitly invited has kinda got in my head about like “wait does p1 view me as a secret-third-thing (thats man adjacent) and not a woman?”…

depends on them being invested in understanding you and wanting to accommodate your feelings

This is also a whole thing, cause p1 can be… Rather invalidating… He has his way of seeing the world and thats the correct way and he will talk over you and shout you down if you talk back about it. And like, for example he doesnt think everyone should be nonbinary but he does think that noone should “try” to pass and should just exist as they are and like, that just doesnt fucking work that way and he wont listen about that so why would he listen to me about this yk? At least, thats my thought process…

In my experience, most people will want to be polite, but most people will not find it easy to think about you in the right ways, and so those subtle ways of feeling invalidated will slip through, even by accident.

This is my experience as well. And as i get less “presentable” (e.g. hair, BO, etc) it gets harder for people to view me correctly.

Unfortunately passing isnt in the cards for me (i dont think? Im not in peoples heads lol) just cause im 195cm tall and kinda jowly in the face and have a very large ribcage/shoulders. Like, i have hips/waist. It just immediately flairs out into my ribcage in an intense manner.

Even worse, I degender myself around people who knew me before, I slip into old patterns of behavior of how I acted around them when I lived as a man. It’s the worst.

Ugh i hate this so much, and it also comes into play because p1 and p5 both knew me since i was a child…

I should really get back into makeup. I used to have an alright nude-adjacent look that worked for me, and people treated me better when i had some eyeliner on… Even tho its expensive and takes so much time to get right every day lol.

I do have a hatchet…

shaving

Thank you for the linky! Idk why i assumed i couldnt shave, i just have my specific routine for shaving and cant do other aspects of it (e.g. a proper shower) and i guess i extended that to every aspect of it.

And i get what youre saying on mens degendering, but like, they wont listen to me and will get upset if i say theyre degendering me without laying out explicitly how they are doing that, in a way that is understandable to them. But tying it back to how men are degendered is useful, ty.

Why why why are they still doing things that so easily induce sensory overload? So many of us are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent.

Ohmigosh this so much this why didnt this cross my mind. Its so hard to be around people in general, and then they want to add lights and loud music coming from every stall and people actively trying to grab my attention and so much so so much like i need to be at my most resourced and well defended in order to attend an event that is supposed to be for me?

I wish there was like an ND friendly anti-selling-things pride, one that actually focuses on community building. No sponsers, no corpos, certainly no cops, just facilitating building genuine community connections. Pride should be an instance of organizing. Instead its mobilizing. No not even that, pride isnt even mobilizing, rather it feels like a feel good queer shopping mall, cause queers have money too now.

I guess i dont have a good reason i dont like it, it just feels so… Commodified. Like, theres people selling their homemade stuff, vendors selling things. People go on and on about unity, community, but as soon as pride is over that community dries up, cause really its just a chance to sell some shit. We come together to celebrate ourselves but we say nothing of the homeless queers we pass on the street. I guess im not even angry at pride, im just angry at liberal ladder pulling queers.

Does… Does anyone else hate pride? Its pride here… I really dont like it, it just feels like another opportunity to be excluded by my supposed community, another opportunity to be told “everyone fits in here (except you)”. Despite what all the people around me seem to say, there is no trans community, no queer community. Theres just overlapping social groups… That im not a part of and either dont want to be a part of or am actively excluded from. I have my friends. Most are trans or queer. Thats enough. Pride is for the acceptable people, not me.

I had no rye bread so i ate my herring with dill and butter on a tortilla, and it was very dissapointing. Not bad, just dissapointing.

Also got some leggings, my first pair of leggings! I never thought id find a pair that fit me, but i finally found some!! Make my butt look good if i do say so myself

Falling down again. I hate this shit

Gender is fake but also im a woman but also im not a woman i just do woman but also theres no such thing as woman but also but also but also

My tolerance went way down when i started E, but that was a couple years ago lol so i dont think its whats going on. I think i just havent had alcohol in a while and am no longer used to it

I had two drinks over the course of several hours, how am i somehow drunkish? Like, im not drunk drunk, but im more than tipsy??? Granted, i havent had alcohol in weeks, but still two drinks (not even super heavy pours either, like an extra 20% cause the bartender likes meeee) shouldnt hit me like this??? New calibration point for alcohol ig?