lilypad [she/her, pup/pup's]

So exhausted. So overwhelmed. So empty. All from nothing. Still unemployed. Living situation deteriorated. I just… I cant anymore. And ive been here before. So i know that I will. But i just cant. The fear. The anxiety. The paranoia. Non of it rooted in reality. The hunger. The disgust at food. The horror of meds. Ive been on them and off them and on them and off them. Different every time. Never right. Always never enough or too much. Im not on them right now. The only thing that addresses my (mild?) impulsivity is crippling anxiety that keeps me from doing anything. No one will help with the impulsivity because its hidden behind the anxiety. So they do the anxiety stuff. But then cant control my actions. I spend. And spend and spend and spend. I went off my meds when i started looking at used cars (cannot afford car rn) and ordering takeaway/delivery every day. Id rather have the crippling anxiety and constant low grade depression with occasional crashes into deep depressive episodes than blow everything and end up on the street. But now im back in the nothingness. Theres just… Nothing.

Through my life ive burned out a few times. First i tried to head-down-power-through it (that went well). Then i tried ignoring it and just scaling back a little (also went well). Then the last couple times ive just stopped earlier than i needed to in order to avoid the really bad-bad effects of burnout. But the one constant has been that every time ive dealt with burnout, ive never recovered my same level of functionality that i had before. Im effectively nonfunctional at this point. Im not even really a person. And i dont want to be. Im a NEET and have been for almost two years. Im immensely privilidged. And i see people who could do more with my resources. Who could actually live. Who would be able to get back on their feet. Im so thankful, but part of me just wants to send every drop of money in my bank acct to someone better than myself. Someone who could actually use it to live a life thats not constant pain. My body is trash. My brain is fucked. My heart is broken. I dont want to be here anymore. Im trying to start applying for jobs again, but who would hire someone who randomly gets laid up for weeks at a time with depressive episodes? How can I even begin moving forward? Ive failed my family, my friends, my roommates… There is no redemption that Im capable of doing.

My current plan is to just go as long as I can, and once the resources are all used up, take a walk to the bridge.