I recently learned that a dear friend has an aggressive form of cancer. She is starting treatment soon. I don’t know much about what dealing with cancer is like, so I thought I’d ask for people’s experience here.
I had no cancer, but know people that did and one thing that came up often is that people tend to distance themselves from them. Not in a mean way, but dealing with special needs is tedious and that is often just a cause to not do certain things. Spending time together (no matter what you end up doing) gives a sense of normalcy and can really push someone to keep fighting. Cancer is a marathon with additional sprints (chemo) on top. Not being alone through all of this is a huge help
John Green had a quote about this that he was saying even before his brother had cancer.
“Don’t just do something, stand there.”
I liked Hank Green’s stand-up about his experience with cancer.
This one is very real. Unfortunately having cancer doesn’t mean other people’s lives slow down or stop having their own problems, and (especially in the USA) it genuinely is a big strain on friendships. It goes both ways, too, I feel like I’m a burden so I reach out less.
I regularly mowed my neighbor’s lawn during their time in treatment since they had almost no energy for it. Sometimes I would make soup, but if you are going to cook, find out what their food restrictions are first.
It’s a tightrope because there’s only so much you can do, and while it’s really important that your friend keep a positive attitude throughout all this, there’s a lot of what I’ve experienced that falls into a “toxic positivity” mindset. For real, some days, I just don’t need to hear how it could be worse, I just need support and understanding. Other days I do want to remember to count my blessings, but it’s one of those “try to read the room” type things because cancer can be a lot of ups and downs.
Including the down that depression is often a symptom of cancer itself, which further compounds on top of the depression of just knowing you have cancer. Which feels weird to me, like my body knows its in a losing battle so it tells my mind I should give up. The thing depressed people need to hear most is validation for why they’re feeling depressed, and people with cancer have a lot to be depressed about.
Try to understand and accept them as a less-than-able-bodied person now, and give them time to accept it, too. There will be a lot that might be suddenly difficult for them to handle that they were previously very independent about. If they now don’t have the energy to be able to get up and go to the grocery store because standing up and driving makes them dizzy, they need help accepting their limitations and accepting help. Some days I have good days and it’s like I used to be and other days I can barely open my eyes with the lights on because of migraines and I’m stuck in bed all day.
Most cancer treatments result in extremities either being hot or cold, more often cold. My partners’ mother and I have very different cancers with very different treatments, but we both suffer from very cold feet due to it. Warm socks, hand and feet warmers, electric blankets, and hot water bottles can all be very beneficial to someone with a lot of cold and pain from the cold.
If they’re in the USA, just be aware that this probably can and will financially wreck them for the foreseeable future. If you’re financially capable of giving, do so. Give without expectation of anything in return. They will literally fucking need it. Even with insurance some of these treatments are insanely costly. If you can’t don’t feel guilty, most of us can’t, and that’s okay.
This is just off the top of my head, I hope any of this helps.
I’m currently in treatment for Hodgin Lymphoma. An old friend that I rarely see volunteered to take me to chemo every two weeks for six months. We have really good visits while I’m in the chair. Last week I got out my tablet and showed him my farm in Minecraft. I don’t like being asked how I’m doing or how I’m feeling because literally everyone asks and I get tired of answering. I prefer, “Do you need anything?” or “Can I help in any way?” I’m not good at asking for help. A friend who I have helped several times just showed up with her partner and four kids and their partners and got our place ready for fall. One of the kids partners was a plumber and he installed a couple of sinks for us. We have a bunch of people around us who have offered to help and meant it. One got up early and drove my son and his bike to school two days after chemo. Another has done groceries for us and taken my wife grocery shopping because she doesn’t drive. If you offer to help mean it and do anything you can to help. Otherwise, just be there and do things other than talk about cancer. Normalcy is welcome. If she wants to talk, talk. If she just wants you to be there, be there.
Household chores when they are experiencing the aftermath of the chemotherapies, driving them to the hospital, and allowing them to express whatever they need.
When I had cancer, my entire workplace came together and did several things for me:
- Bought me a Dyson vacuum.
- Purchased 3 months worth of frozen dinners from a local place that made and delivered fully prepared frozen meals that you can just throw in the oven.
- Sometimes people would take my kids to and from school for me when I wasn’t up to it, for about a month.
My sister and brother in law came over and cleaned my house for me, my Dad would take my kids over the weekend all the time.
Thankfully, I’m still here 20 years later, all my kids are grown and are wonderful people.
I am so thankful for all the help everyone gave me.
I’m glad you are here and I wish you many many healthy years ahead.
I’m currently going through chemo treatment. I’ve been very lucky so far since I had very mild side effects and my chemo protocol is very intense. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is be available for visits whenever she has the energy for it. My godmother also went through a harsh treatment and multiple surgeries, and she said she felt constantly lonely, and even though I’m a very “home” person, I also miss seeing some friends a bit more than usual.
If you want to ask anything feel free to, I don’t mind talking about it.
Mine was relatively minor, but I felt like the times I started to vent my feelings, it was met with either stunned silence or quick assurances that everything would feel alright. It was like I really shouldn’t vent my feelings and be heard, just accept that everything will be alright.
