Turning 32 in June. Born, raised and lived in Iran until 2017 when husband relocated our family to Ireland. New to this platform so I thought a personal-cultural post would be a nice starter.
What’s your favorite dinosaur? 🦕
- Was moving to the west a positive change for you?
- If you hadn’t been given away, what would have happened to you?
- If you were in iran, and had a daughter, would you give her away in the same way?
- Do you have any control over your sexual life today? Can you say no?
- Yes. The atmosphere is great. Very relaxed. 2. Probably kept going to school and go to university and then marry. Lots of women are in university in Iran but not a lot actually end up working cause marriage and kids. 3. No. As if said it’s a gamble and not willing to take up on it. 4. I could always say no. I said in another comment but the marriage wasn’t actually consummated immediately cause I didn’t feel comfortable and I wasn’t pushed.
Is it common for Iranian girls to get married that early?
Not super common but not that uncommon either.
Sounds like it’s culturally acceptable then. Is it?
It is.
Well this opens up an interesting door. What’s considered pedophilia in the west is connected with a specific age written in the law. If the culture is different, then the definition of pedophilia might change as well. Where do you even begin to draw the line in that case?
For the longest time in pre industrial era women were no longer considered children after they started menstruation which can vary quite a lot from individual to individual.
And that just makes things even more complicated. On top of that, psychological maturity is not the same as physical maturity. You would need to consider both before even thinking of marrying such a girl.
When you read about historical cases of girls getting married at a very early age, I can only hope that they were ready. Well that probably wasn’t the case even half the time, but who knows really.
Interesting post! How was your husband picked? I am both interested in the process and the criteria
He was recently widowed and his late wife was infertile. He was friends with my father who considered him a good man with lots of financial possibilities for a good life. So with everything that happened to him my father told him he can marry me if he wants. I received (through my parents) a dowry of $200k USD; my parents deemed it a safety net.
I just want to add on this. I am also of Asian background but grew up in the West. I also noticed that many Asians view marriage in economics. I get told to marry a nurse because they are always in demand anywhere in the world and could easily travel and live in richer countries. But I already grew up here and have a pretty good job, so I don’t need to think about that kind of thing.
I understand where people are coming from, being married and having kids is expensive, but viewing marriage from economic point of view is pretty fucked up. I witnessed people being used as a way to get into greener pasture. I am not saying that you or your parents used your husband, but the practice of child marriage stems from the severely old and dangerous idea that women can’t fend for themselves and need a man. Sure, maybe that makes sense during the hunter gatherer days when food was scarce, but we don’t live in that era anymore. A lot of people simply pass on traditions without ever thinking as to the why, because too much time had passed to remember the reason, even if the tradition don’t even make sense with the passage of time.
I agree with most of this but I don’t think looking for a mate that is more financially secure is fucked up. I think a LOT of women still do this. My wife’s wants to feel safe and secure and her kids the same more than almost anything. I seem to provide that for her (god knows why, lol).
You have a great point, a mate should be an adult, and an adult should be financially responsible (and hygenic, responsible, have basic cooking skills, etc). It’s not enough for a partner to merely be an adult to me personally, but that’s just me. You’re both adults, marriage should be whatever you and your partner agree you dudes want it to be.
Edit: changed “financially secure” to “financially responsible”, because shit happens and that doesn’t make you not an adult.
Having seen both systems, would you consider a planned marriage for your own children? What do you think are the benefits and problems of each system?
How old was he at the time?
Ah, so he’s a pedophile.
Edit: To the 9 people who downvoted this, the man was almost 40 when his 16 year old child bride gave birth to his child, according to the other information in this thread.
This pedophile is currently living in Ireland if I read correctly.
Like I know it’s a cultural thing. But it should be illegal. It’s just wrong for so many reasons.
Thankfully the OP “seems” to have had an alright time (at least from what was said), but how many had the opposite? Far too many, I would assume.
How does the law work in cases such as this? One in which you can prove he was by definition (in many places) a pedophile. Seeing as OP mentioned having a child at 16. I have no clue, but am sort of interested in how it would work.
Anyways. I think this sort of arranged marriage thing should be illegal, especially if the child is underage.
Where do you draw the line then? In many cultures it’s been 18 for a long time, but that’s not entirely unanimous or consistent throughout history.
In other countries 18 may sound too high or too low. Like in the case of Iran, it’s culturally acceptable to marry much younger than that, and Europe used to be like that as well.
Given that there’s variation in this matter, it’s not immediately obvious how to define pedophilic activity. Depending on where you liven and which century it is, the definition may change considerably. If we apply current western definitions, you’re absolutely correct though.
If someone is into 5 year old children and wishes to have harmful relationships with them, it’s pretty clear that there needs be some laws against it. What about 15 or 17 then? Actually, there are also people much older than 20 and they’re still not ready to bear the responsibilities of parenting, so should the limit be even higher? I wish this was simpler.
max(legal_age, [your_age/2]+7)
At what age did you have children?
16, 18, 20.
I’m 54 and have 38 and 36 year old step sons so I can relate to what having a kid not that much younger than you feels like. The good thing is being a grandparent before you’re too old to really enjoy them 😄
That’s wild. My partner had our first when she was in her 30s.
Just to put that in context, a geriatric pregnancy is 35 years or more (pregnancy complications greatly increase).
All 4 were born without complications.
Also as mentioned in another comment, he was 22 years older from her…
Did/do you still love him?
Did you get any agency in the matter?
When I got married? I couldn’t have loved him. I didn’t know him much. I fell in love with him after because he treated me well and took great care of me. Interesting question. The concept of personal agency wasn’t even a thing in my mind at the time. When my parents told me that my marriage has been set, I just thought parents know best and it’s something I have to do. My mind didn’t even think it was my place to have a say. So not really - because to me that was not a thing to begin with.
This is very interesting insight for Westerners. Thank you for explaining.
How’s life?
Good.
Soo, crazy weather we’re having
Is he older than you? How many years?
How many children do you have?
22 years older. 3 sons.
Do the two of you largely agree on how you want your sons to be raised? How much of Iran, and how much of Ireland?
Would this have been more complicated had you had daughters?
What’s your favorite food?
Avocado toast.
Any extras? A bit of cracked pepper? Maybe some grated apricot?
Never considered grated apricot… that sounds awesome!
You haven’t lived yet
Tears of the working class… with some balsamic. Sprinkle some college loans on top to garnish.
So are you happy with your marriage and did you know each other before?
I am. I first met him when the marriage was proposed / set. Then until the meeting we got to know each other a bit - but never alone, there always had to be someone around - not allowed for us to be alone together until we were married. I liked that he was a good listener and showed interest in whatever I was talking about. The wedding night was the first time we were alone together. It was really weird for me, like before that no boys allowed now suddenly sleeping next to a man in bed? Too huge of a transition. As a matter of fact we didn’t consummate until a while after as I didn’t feel comfortable and he didn’t push or pressure me.
Do you feel that this experience is quite unique in Iran? It sounds like you were/are lucky with the chosen husband.
Getting married young? No. Have a good life? Probably. It’s basically a gamble and depends completely on the man and his motives.
Was it weird moving from Iran to Ireland? I can’t imagine a more culturally disparate country…
Not really, no. I had already travelled a lot by then & my husband has always been a chill man. I love Ireland.
Why did he decide to relocate the family?
Wanted our kids to have as many opportunities in life as possible - West was the best fit.
Does he want your children to live like you did or are they going to be brought up in more western fashion?
More Western.
Do you plan to marry off your children? If so, at what age?
No. Plus even traditionally back in Iran boys don’t get “married off” the same way girls do. They get married when they’re older as they need to be well established to provide for the family first.
