Hi all. One of my biggest issues is emotional dysregulation.
I have noticed that a big thing is that I don’t have any activities that I can do for a prolonged period of time when frustrated. These “calming techniques” like breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 thing only work for for a minute or so and then I’m back to flipping out. I need it to be both physical AND mental though. Only tackling physical leaves too much time for rumination…and only tackling mental doesn’t get out the high energy.
So I think I need something to bridge the gap here between the techniques to immediately and temporarily calm you and when I eventually feel better again.
Here are ideas I DON’T want:
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Exercise - I find that exercise has never been mentally engaging enough to make me feel better. It actually will often do the opposite of what people say it does. It gives me more time to think and ruminate. Exercise for me will magnify my current emotions, which is beneficial if I am already happy, but absolutely terrible for me if I am already frustrated. Plus if I’m frustrated at like 3am, going outside to exercise is dangerous for me lol.
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Writing down your feelings - Again, I feel like I’m missing something here. Doing that doesn’t make me feel better…it makes me ruminate and focus on the problem more, making me even more upset. And then I’m more inclined to send the thing I wrote to others which can damage relationships or be self destructive.
Positive ideas
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Canvas painting - I absolutely have NO idea how to do anything artistic…but my thought is that you can angrily let your feelings out and splatter things onto a canvas…and then as you get more calm to morph it into something productive??? Dunno. But I have a screened in patio so I feel like I have the space to both be messy back there and to be able to do it in the middle of the night. I’m wondering if it would be too complicated with all the supplies needed or something though.
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Video games - Actually seem to work to take my mind off of things, BUT there is no physical aspect to them. When I am physically calmer, they help me to not ruminate…but again I feel like I have a gap period between where I need more physical activity.
Thanks all I know it’s long lol.
This is not a hobby but cold water slows down your heartrate. Have you tried jumping into a cold ass shower if you’re feeling frustrated in the middle of the night?
I practice TIPP for emotional regulation, but two of those are things you said don’t work for you.
A cold shower sounds like literal torture and punishment to me but I suppose I could try that the next time I am feeling particularly overwhelmed and I’m at home lol.
Can I transition from the shock of the cold into some warmth or does it have to stay cold for the entire time? Lol
A few people have suggested drumming, which I’d also recommend.
Have you ever been dancing? One of my biggest pressure relief mechanisms is going to a music venue and just… dancing to bands or a DJ. It brings me back into my body, it’s a great physical workout, and it also keeps me mentally engaged.
I understand this isn’t something you can do immediately if you’re feeling frustrated, but I feel it can help with longer-term benefits towards emotional regulation.
I actually used to be super into dance classes when I was a kid.
There was one time in early March where I was so upset that I called out of work the next day. I stumbled into 2 songs that I really resonated with that day and put them on repeat and just danced.
Music has always been such a powerful thing to me. They can evoke such intense emotions of pain or joy or sorrow or elation. But the thing is I always have to stumble into a song that I “click” with. And the effect is temporary. It’s one of the reasons why I’m always casually yet organically looking for new songs. I’m always looking for my next “fix”.
I will say that the dancing helped me with intense low energy sadness. When I get upset, I get really very intensely upset. But it takes on two forms…
- Low energy sadness where it somehow gets physically hard to move my body or even walk
And
- High energy sadness where my body is physically agitated and I am inclined to be more impulsive and do a lot more things that are destructive to the self and my relationships
#2 is what I am struggling the most with right now, as I’m losing friends and being threatened with termination at my job
I know you said no exercise, but hitting a heavy bag until you are fully spent will do exactly what you are looking for. Don’t go on a slow jog for 30 minutes, go beat the ever loving shit out of a punching bag for 5 minutes. You’ll be completely spent and you’ll feel alot better.
Violent video games. And not just mindless dumb ones. Shit like R6 Siege or Counter-Strike. Simple, and yet mentally taxing because you are against other real people that you can’t just mindlessly exploit like an AI. The downtime when you’re looking for a match or dead in the round gives you enough time to do some pushups or something.
If you have VR: Beat Saber. Physically taxing as well as mentally trying to keep up with the speed and rhythm of the blocks you need to cut in the right direction as they come down the hall. Sometimes it’s not my body being out of shape that keeps ke from getting a good score on a high BPM song, but the inability to focus on everything as it’s coming at me. 🤣
Drums
Get a cheapo digital drum set. Download some drumless tracks. Beat the shit out of them while trying to maintain actual rhythm and coordination.
This will also let you focus on listening to songs differently to focus on what the drums are doing so you can also do this when you are away from home and air drum to figure it the beats until you get back to your drum set.
Seems like it aligns well with what you want. Depending on what songs you are trying it’s a decent work out of just a casual activity, but never feels like mindless exercise.
Also other rhythm games like Dance Dance Revolution or guitar hero or rock band
Baking. You could take out some aggression while kneading dough or rolling oue crust.
Lol this one actually sounds pretty smart.
I appreciate a lot of the suggestions here, but many aren’t really getting to what I’m looking for. I want an activity I can do indoors at home…one that starts with sort of aggressive movements and then can morph into something more controlled, and something that is mentally engaging enough.
So kneading and beating the shit out of dough sounds pretty smart lol.
Croissants are also a great option. You have to freeze butter in a large sheet and roll it into layers of dough. It’s hard work, especially if you keep everything frozen, which turns out better than merely refrigerated, and it takes several sessions. Plus when you’re done, you have homemade croissants which are fucking amazing.
Note: on proofreading, I originally typed “shit.” Please do not roll your dough into a large shit.
This is what I do, started years ago. It helps not only for the reasons you mentioned but also you have to plan ahead, making sourdough and such requires days of planning beforehand to get your starter ready, then the various proofing times and such. So it also creates a routine.
Baking requires math as it is a science, figuring out percentages, times, temps and how that all works together to get the results you want.
Once you have the few materials you need it is also cost effective and a good way to make/keep friends. Bread, or other baked goods, are some of the oldest foods known to man and people love getting free fresh baked bread. I bake two loaves at a time, one for me and one for whomever I happen to run into that day. Pretty much people start asking you to bake something for their party or whatnot and you can either do it or don’t.
There are limitless options with baking, every culture has their traditional baked goods or you can come up with your own. I spent three years on my chocolate chip cookie recipe, they are magnificent. It takes me three to four days just to make them and even though I don’t bake them often people still talk about them.
Seriously, if you have an interest then I would recommend this route. Sounds like you would start by doing it all by hand, I did that too, it was years before I bought a stand mixer, but a word of advice, once the tennis elbow starts to show up after a year or 3 then supplement with a mixer so you don’t permanently injure yourself.
*Edit to fix errors above and add below;
If you have any questions shoot me a message, I can help you get a list of what you’d need for the price point you’d want it in, where to start and what to do etc. I do more sour doughs, cookies, muffins and pizza doughs kinda guy but I’ve done a bit of everything.
It is a worthwhile hobby that is soothing, at times violent but also rewarding. Not only do you get amazing bread but so does everyone else in your life that you’d like to share that with. The appreciation from others gave me confidence to keep going. Not many people would turn down a fresh baked loaf of bread, it is one of the most basic things in food for all history in almost every culture but also incredible to be able to make something to the best of your ability. It’s like golf, you are really just playing against yourself in the end. The ingredients and tools are so basic so the limit to how far you want to take it is on you.
Here are some of mine; Sourdoughs
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Music. Noise cancelling headphones.
My favorites ones are from:
- Undertale
- Deltarune
- Stardew Valley
- Life is Strange: True Colors
- Anime Openings/Closings and soundtracks (Steins;Gate, for example)
- FTL and Multiverse Soundtracks
- Some soundtracks from For All Mankind
Reflect on your life, all the trauma, and remind yourself “[name], you cannot give up, STAY DETERMINED!”
SLAY the entire underground if you have to, until it says: … but nobody came MUHAHAHAHAHA, I AM THE GOD OF THIS NEW WORLD! (/okay maybe not that lol just imagine it, let out your frustrations)
Amadeus plays in the background as I feel depressed as fuck about my traumatic past and daydream about a different 世界線 (worldline)
I’m gonna find Steins;Gate. I’m gonna reach Steins;Gate. Or die trying…
El Psy Congroo.
“Let me tell you a secret: chess is the most violent of all sports. I’m a pretty good soccer player and a long-distance swimmer, and recently, I’ve taken up tennis, but I can tell you that there’s no sport as competitive – yes, I’ll say as rough – as chess. The only goal in chess is to prove your superiority over the other guy, and the most important superiority, the most total one, is the superiority of the mind. And there’s no luck involved, no picture card coming up at the right time, no roll of the dice that saves you. It all has to come out of your head. You whip him or he whips you. It’s as simple as that. Or as complicated as that.”
–Garry Kasparov, former world chess champion
So make a lichess.org account and wreak some havoc over the chessboard :).
It’s also extremely good at making you feel like the stupidest moron on the planet regardless of your ELO. I don’t think I would recommend it for distressing, personally.
I throw my headphones on and listen to music while mending my clothing when I get like that. Keeps my hands/mind occupied and is a low stress activity, and my clothes last longer. I wouldn’t call it a high energy activity so it may not be what you are looking for. I lift weights when I need to burn off energy and getting a pump going feels good (at least upper body, legs sucks) but you already said exercising doesn’t do it for you.
Sometimes I also just root through my materials from old stalled projects and look at things from a different angle occasionally I’ll make a breakthrough on something that will get me out of that bad mood.
Boxing. And before you dismiss it as mindless excercise, do some research and you’ll find that there is a Lot more to it than just hitting a bag.
Startup costs aren’t too bad. A pair of gloves and a bag that stands on it’s own won’t set you back too much and will last quite a while.
This is a really great idea, boxing is anything but an idle mind. Working on your combinations and footwork at the same time is an extremely challenging mental process. You can change it up each round, you will not get bored. Plus the physical aspect is great for you.
I’m going to say leather working. You have to use a lot of hammering which is great for a physical activity, and planning your projects can be mentally stimulating. Ill usually watch YouTube while doing the sewing portion.
Drumming works well. Get an inexpensive djembe and learn some basics.
I drum in Clone Hero to great enjoyment, with a guitar hero set. Similar outcome for small entry price
Embroidery. Cheap and doesn’t take up much space, easy to pick up and drop as needed. And you get to stab something multiple times while also being creative and thinking about the best technique, etc.
VR or camera or other body input games like DDR/dance games, rhythm games like beatsaber, even horror or shooters, maybe even puzzle games where you do the input with your body etc. Or dig up a prehistoric guitar hero-game and go ham on the weoweoweooo-stick.
[Edit: I JUST NOW realised that the end of the prior sentence sounds like a euphemism for masturbating, and had to scroll all the way back down to say that this is not what I intended! Though on further reflection that might also be a solution to your question…]
For exercise, try choreographed routines (plenty on YouTube), from yoga to dance to step, it’s a lot more mentally involved trying to copy semi-intricate movements than just lifting heavy stuff and putting them down.
What about yoga? You constantly have to think about the movement there is no real mental downtime.
Take some Yin Yoga classes. It’s a much slower pace than other yoga (holding poses for 3-5 minutes each), and a proper Yin class also focuses on mindfulness during the activity. The goal is to clear your thoughts and bring your focus only to your body and your breath. Different instructors will approach it differently, of course, and not all studios even offer Yin. Forgive yourself for a wandering mind, just observe it when it happens and then recenter your focus on your breath.
It’s also probably the best stretching you’ll ever do.
