I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that’s what it’s about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes??? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I’m a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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I’ll go again!
COunt me in coach! ill take the week of the 15th -21st of December!
HEV suit voice: “Dysphoria detected. Estrogen administered”
I really don’t think I’ll ever out grow sleeping with my plushies, I had a phase where I didn’t after high school but got back to them. I feel as a coping mechanism they really work well for me that I’m considering carrying one of the smaller ones with me in my bag now. Labubus are still the devil but if they normalize having plushies in public maybe they aren’t fully evil. Even if they don’t I’m still gonna do it since I really don’t think I can not be me.
I need a villain to plot my downfall
6·6 小时前I need pets and cuddles. fuuuuuuuuck
ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘵. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.
M4F good kitty (girl) ASMR
Marked 18+
M4M good kitty (boy) ASMR
Not 18+
Same artist, uploaded together
fucking youtube
ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘵. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.
Every single one of my students and each of their parents so far as respected my gender identity like I’m some kind of normal person or something. Why can’t the people who say they care about me be like this?
I can’t get over how good it feels that I didn’t even have to come out at this job. They asked me my pronouns when I got the job like they ask anyone else and they show up on my profile when students find me or are assigned to me. I don’t have to do fucking anything at all special to be gendered the way I want. I just show up and it happens. I was helping a student with SAT stuff today and I heard her mom ask in the background “did you show her your PSAT scores?” And it felt so goooooooood because I didn’t have to ask her to use her there she just did 😭😭😭😭😭😭
A student yesterday said goodbye to me by saying “I’ll see you next time miss [first name]!” too
transphobia
It makes me feel like people see me as a normal person instead of some kind of damned sinner who needs to be fixed by God like I’ve gotten used to people seeing me as
watching my dipshit brother play gex with his loser friends: “wow this is what video games were like before DEI”Transitioning has tested my personality and relationships more than anything else. Especially my personality. I did not think I was this incapable of trusting other people. I did not recognize the overwhelming “mental distance” between me and everyone else. And worst of all, I really did not expect the level of casual transphobia in my circle of friends or acquaintances.
Still feels kinda surreal to think that I’m a girl.
My posting density is directly proportional to my mood lol
I just painted my nails for the first time in years and the first time since coming out. Feeling good and pretty, been moisturizing so my face is smooth :) theoretically getting estrogen this week too :))))
critical support to my ass for not shitting on my damn whatnots
Found a loose estrogen tablet on the floor under my bed, no idea how old. Well waste not want not. Under the tongue
ramblings of a trans girl becoming more content with her existence I think? and also being incredibly dramatic as I have an emotional reaction mid posting
I went on a bit of a long walk today just thinking about some things. I’d been feeling lately like I’d accidentally slipped into an alternate timeline where my life is quickly diverging from what it was “meant to” be like. I’ve had this one goal for pretty much as long as I can remember. Things would get in the way of this goal, and I’d either get lucky, push through, or make a dubious decision, depending on the circumstance. But at the end of the day, the goal remained. All of that kind of changed pretty much the second I realized I was trans and my support system evaporated. I ended up having to pick up the scraps of some semblance of a life from what didn’t go away once I started transitioning, and I’m still in the process of making my way out of that downward spiral (though I think I’m getting close, and maybe that’s why I feel I can type this post now). Now I’m so far away from where I thought I’d be in my life, and it was so hard to shake this feeling of like… things not being the way they were supposed to be.
I realized though. This life that I’m building back up from the parts that didn’t go away when I became a girl. It’s built from the parts that I actually cared about and the parts that weren’t hurting me. I realized what would have very likely happened if I didn’t start transitioning. I would be on the same path with the same people with the same “support system” of people who hurt me. I realized that I don’t even really care about that goal I had anymore, and I’m glad I don’t. I realized I’m so glad to have this opportunity to just start over. To hell with what could have been if I wasn’t trans. I’m so fucking happy to get to be a girl. I’m so fucking happy to be free from my parents and my former “friends” who I knew didn’t really care about me even before I was trans.
Things are way way way different that I expected, but I realized that’s not a bad thing. And if I got a chance to go back in time and change things, I simply could not find within myself the ability to. Things have been rough for me since May, but it’s so much better than what I’d convinced myself was the reality I deviated from. This is my reality. I love myself and I love my life. Oh fuck I’m going to start crying
my past with depression and suicidal ideation
I love myself and I love my life
Damn. I’ve been majorly depressed for most my life. I go through days and weeks sometimes where I consider the possibility of killing myself just to not have to keep on living. It’s incredible to me that I can type those words and know I truly mean it. Accepting my transness might be healing me in ways I didn’t consider to be possible.
I’ve been feeling INCREDIBLY good these past few days and I’m hoping I can keep it up.
