I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that’s what it’s about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes??? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I’m a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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ramblings of a trans girl becoming more content with her existence I think? and also being incredibly dramatic as I have an emotional reaction mid posting
I went on a bit of a long walk today just thinking about some things. I’d been feeling lately like I’d accidentally slipped into an alternate timeline where my life is quickly diverging from what it was “meant to” be like. I’ve had this one goal for pretty much as long as I can remember. Things would get in the way of this goal, and I’d either get lucky, push through, or make a dubious decision, depending on the circumstance. But at the end of the day, the goal remained. All of that kind of changed pretty much the second I realized I was trans and my support system evaporated. I ended up having to pick up the scraps of some semblance of a life from what didn’t go away once I started transitioning, and I’m still in the process of making my way out of that downward spiral (though I think I’m getting close, and maybe that’s why I feel I can type this post now). Now I’m so far away from where I thought I’d be in my life, and it was so hard to shake this feeling of like… things not being the way they were supposed to be.
I realized though. This life that I’m building back up from the parts that didn’t go away when I became a girl. It’s built from the parts that I actually cared about and the parts that weren’t hurting me. I realized what would have very likely happened if I didn’t start transitioning. I would be on the same path with the same people with the same “support system” of people who hurt me. I realized that I don’t even really care about that goal I had anymore, and I’m glad I don’t. I realized I’m so glad to have this opportunity to just start over. To hell with what could have been if I wasn’t trans. I’m so fucking happy to get to be a girl. I’m so fucking happy to be free from my parents and my former “friends” who I knew didn’t really care about me even before I was trans.
Things are way way way different that I expected, but I realized that’s not a bad thing. And if I got a chance to go back in time and change things, I simply could not find within myself the ability to. Things have been rough for me since May, but it’s so much better than what I’d convinced myself was the reality I deviated from. This is my reality. I love myself and I love my life. Oh fuck I’m going to start crying
my past with depression and suicidal ideation
Damn. I’ve been majorly depressed for most my life. I go through days and weeks sometimes where I consider the possibility of killing myself just to not have to keep on living. It’s incredible to me that I can type those words and know I truly mean it. Accepting my transness might be healing me in ways I didn’t consider to be possible.
I’ve been feeling INCREDIBLY good these past few days and I’m hoping I can keep it up.
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